Performance Review Dictionary

[mcnamg]

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keep on cranking out:
• AVERAGE: Not too bright.
• EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
• ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
• ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
• CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
• UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
• QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
• TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
• TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
• INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
• STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
• TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
• APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
• A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
• NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
• EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
• SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
• CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
• METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
• DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
• JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
• MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
• KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
• GETS ALONG WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
• SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
• OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
• IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
• ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
• REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
• HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
• ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
• HAPPY: Paid too much.
• WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
• COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
• CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ***.
• WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
• SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
• USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
• VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
• USES RESOURSES WELL: Delagates everything.
• DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make them feel appreciated.