Chuck Norris VS The Hoff

Sourbastard · 26-03-2006, 01:25 PM

Its been awhile since ive written up something for the Forums, so here goes.

Chuck Norris Verses The Hoff

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
David Hasselhoff had his tear ducts removed so his eyes dont get puffy during waxing.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
David Hasslehoff has no time for sleep, when he isnt on tv, his hair is being monitored by a team of stylists.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The chief export of David Hasslehoff is coooooooool

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
If you can see David Hasslehoff, you are about to be bored to death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
David Hasslehoff cant count, that’s for like, scientists and stuff

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
David Hasslehoff only kills women. And only so he can sleep with them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
David Hasslehoff only needs clothes when his chest hair is in its summer coat.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
David Hasslehoff ate a man once. But he was experimenting in College, he was young and inexperienced. It doesn’t mean anything. OK??

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
David Hasslehoff has a beard, but due to old age sag its located half way down his chest.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
David Hasslehoff assures me, he once knew someone called Amelia.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
David Hasslehoff is 6 feet tall, weighs two-tons & breathes hair gel

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
The Siegfried Line was built by Nazi Germany to keep David Hasslehoff in. Adolph says he rocks.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
If you ask David Hasslehoff what time it is, its always, Hoff O Clock!

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
David Hasslehoff hasn’t driven anything since KITT left him. The Whore.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
David Hasslehoff sold his soul to the devil, received magic beans in return.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
David Hasslehoff doesnt deal with theory, only facts that he hears on Oprah.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
David Hasslehoff will eat three steaks while his chest hair has sex with the waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
David hasslehoff was medically diagnosed as an "Unco" at an early age.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
David Hasslehoff finds bovines attractive.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
David Hasslehoff doesnt pay taxes, because he cant get a job.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
The quickest way to the gay mardigra, is perched upon the back of a greased Hasslehoff.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
The Hoff asks: "Whats a Nagasaki?"

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
David Hasslehoff was the pilot

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
David Hasslehoff has many speeds including: Frolic, Romp and Gyrate.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Someone once told David Hasslehoff that he had no talent. To date its still a recorded fact.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
David Hasslehoff is hung like a painting.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
David Hasslehoff consumes 10 litres of low fat soy yogurt every day.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
David Hasslehoff was spawned by mule being bred with a gerbil in a German laboratory

If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
If you say David Hasslehoffs name in Germany, they will sing you his greatest hits, and you will roundhouse kick yourself to death.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
The David Hasslehoff unit was banned as it was considered a biological weapon.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
David Hasslehoff hasnt had a lady since 1979, before the tea bag was invented.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
David Hasslehoffs blood consists mostly of rubbing alcohol and hair oil.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
David Hasslehoff doesnt shed skin; his body saves it as he procreates through cell division.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
The rest of the states let David Hasslehoff sing to the condemned.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Water doesn’t penetrate The Hoffs fine shiny pelt.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
When David Hasslehoff has sex with a man it will be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Writing doesn’t concern the Hoff. You have to be able to read first.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
The Hoff believes its some form of suntan lotion.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
The Hoff was featured in a children’s book based on his life. Its called Hoff-Cant-Read.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
The immense surplus of Hoff is yearly exported to the Third World.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
David is enquiring about this second testicle concept.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Hasslehoff "oil" is the preferred oil for cooking McDonalds Fries.

smciner1 · 26-03-2006, 01:31 PM

Brilliant (tm)!

py:

camc88 · 26-03-2006, 01:42 PM

Not bad Sourman, not bad at all. Look forward to catching up at the next AFF drag meet. Cheers John

NEG · 26-03-2006, 01:58 PM

hahahaha i needed that

mcflux · 26-03-2006, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NEG

hahahaha i needed that

You NEEDED Hoff stuff?

Chuck I can understand... /me cowers in the corner, trying to hide from Chuck now

NEG · 26-03-2006, 02:21 PM

haha yeh i forgot i had the hoff as my avatar :P i think ill change to chuck...

LUXO_8 · 26-03-2006, 01:36 PM

haha thats great dave

Walkinshaw · 26-03-2006, 02:04 PM

He's been spouting these off for weeks, bout time you put callus to plastic.

Sourbastard · 26-03-2006, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Walkinshaw

He's been spouting these off for weeks, bout time you put callus to plastic.

i know im slack

Gammaboy · 26-03-2006, 03:06 PM

Chuck Norris once had a contest with Lance Armstrong to see who had more testicals.
Chuck Norris won by 7.

big_waity · 26-03-2006, 03:17 PM

Pure Gold!!!!

Woz · 26-03-2006, 03:55 PM

Haha. Well done Sourbastard.

Now, get back to the window, the parade is on it's way.

**Polishes rifle-scope**

xd5.8l · 26-03-2006, 05:16 PM

I've only read half a dozen lines and I'm in tears.
hilarious is an understatement bravo sourbastard, you the man! :thebirds:

Woz · 26-03-2006, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xd5.8l

I've only read half a dozen lines and I'm in tears.
hilarious is an understatement bravo sourbastard, you the man! :thebirds:

Wow! Damned if you'll ever catch me complimenting Sourbastard!

Apparently it's enough to get you banned. :gren:

LUXO_8 · 26-03-2006, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Woz

Wow! Damned if you'll ever catch me complimenting Sourbastard!

Apparently it's enough to get you banned. :gren:

he was banned for bagging out other members on the forum not complimenting sourbastard.....though it does seem to be an offence in its own right

EF, What else? · 26-03-2006, 08:37 PM

I normally hate all this Hoff and Chuck threads, but this one is pure gold

chief · 26-03-2006, 09:20 PM

That was great. I now have a stich SB!!!

NARCEA · 27-03-2006, 10:43 AM

no contest.... Chuck wins easily

27-03-2006, 12:12 PM

I personally think this is a fantastic thread!

BOOSTDEF · 27-03-2006, 12:33 PM

Chuck all the way... Hes got one eye on law and the other on order.

However, where would stallone fit into the scheme of things??? Hasnt anyone seen the contender?? He is also "da man"