A Few JOKES To Put Some Life Back Into This Forum

**killerjoolz** · 08-08-2007, 09:43 PM

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
" The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
Y OU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied..

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few
days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came
into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that
called when 2
people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top
of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him
the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside
to talk and
play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is
NOT called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds,
and Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with
the kids

A 5 year old boy walked into the kitchen to ask his mother where he came from. She sighed, realised this was it and sat him down to explain th birds and bees to him. When finished he had this look of confusion on his face. "Why did you want to know?" asked the concerned mother. The boy replied;
"Because Tommy down the street comes from England."

A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office.
She explained, "The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor.
He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed." she says.
"Well, strip down to your waist." he orders.
She does.
He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in today

I HOPE YOU GET A GOOD LAUGH.....Cheers Killer

**killerjoolz** · 08-08-2007, 09:49 PM

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
> constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
> Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
>
>
> Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
> Well, it was an immediate hit.
> They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to
> join him for a weekend in Melbourne.
>
>
> Their first night there, she undressed as he also did.
> There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy pant ies; he was in
> his birthday suit.
>
> Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied:
> "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there
> I am still in mourning".
> He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
>
>
> The following night was the same; she stood there wearing the black
> panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black
> condom.
>
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
> He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences

**killerjoolz** · 08-08-2007, 09:50 PM

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote

**killerjoolz** · 08-08-2007, 09:51 PM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, The jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the
funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. 'There's no money in
that account.'
I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!
Don't mess with Old People.

**killerjoolz** · 08-08-2007, 09:53 PM

I was down at the pub the other night, and I had already had a couple under my belt when I noticed this good looking sort walk in, I thought she was a bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by unnoticed.
I walked over and chatted her up with my normal suave "G'day - wanna Midi of suds?"

Anyhow, we got chatting and we seemed to be getting on ok, turns out she was 57,
but nevertheless we chatted and laughed and joked a bit, even had a bit of a snog...all in good fun mind you.

She asked me if I had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know, a mother & daughter threesome.

I thought "Struth mate, you've hit the jackpot here."

So I said, "Nah..never had one of them..."
So we had a couple more beers and she whispered in my ear, "Tonight's your lucky night sport!"

So we headed off back to her place for a night of “Fun”.

When we arrived, she opened the front door, flicked on the hall light and yelled upstairs.....

"Mum, you still awake?"

thunderoo · 08-08-2007, 09:53 PM

NOW THIS IS A JOKE !!!

**killerjoolz** · 08-08-2007, 09:55 PM

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
> She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
> She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life
> again doctor?"
> The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
> "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
> He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me
> that after having their tonsils out."

**killerjoolz** · 08-08-2007, 09:56 PM

Nah that looks more like a nightmare....lol....what a stupid look on my face....hang on thats normal....hehehehe

Mr_Monty · 09-08-2007, 04:01 PM

Gold, luved em all!

esp the deepest condolences bit :-D

**killerjoolz** · 09-08-2007, 07:54 PM

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".
An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.
A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna her once I get her pyjamas off"

RACE38 · 09-08-2007, 07:58 PM

Here's One!

Q) How do you know if you are an UGLY kid???

A) You get invited to Micheal Jacksons house, and he makes you sleep on the lounge!

**killerjoolz** · 09-08-2007, 08:50 PM

hahaha....good one...

**killerjoolz** · 11-08-2007, 07:00 PM

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a
> hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
>
>
> The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
> Donald frowned and said, "No."
>
> Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not
> have sex.
>
> ?Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
>
> So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they
> had condoms.
>
> "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the
> counter and gave it to Donald.
>
> The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
>
> "No!" Donald quacked,
> "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

MY TY · 12-08-2007, 04:18 PM

onya Joolz, good to get a laugh, cheers - Trisha

MY TY · 12-08-2007, 04:20 PM

this is where this was meant to go - onya Joolz, Trisha.

MY TY · 12-08-2007, 04:21 PM

stupid computer!

**killerjoolz** · 16-08-2007, 12:27 PM

A well dressed, old codger wanders up to a the sexy young thing at an exclusive reception and whispers in her ear "Would you have sex with me for $1,000,000?" to which the sexy young thing answers "Yes".

The old codger then says "Would you have sex with me for $10?" to which the affronted sexy young thing answers"Of course not! What do you think I am? A whore?"

The old codger replies "We have already established that we are just haggling over price!"

**killerjoolz** · 16-08-2007, 12:30 PM

A blonde wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50.?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we have been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied. "And I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it?s a Lexus."

**killerjoolz** · 16-08-2007, 12:36 PM

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular
floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the
sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she
thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign
reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to
the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!"
she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it! "Still, she goes to the fifth floor
and the sign
reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted
to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -
You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.> > > PLEASE NOTE:> > To avoid
gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across
the street. The first floor has wives that love sex .
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth,
fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!

**killerjoolz** · 16-08-2007, 07:58 PM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... Smack his again!"

V3RSAC3 · 16-08-2007, 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by killerjoolz

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... Smack his again!"

ROFLMFAO

Mr_Monty · 18-08-2007, 07:32 PM

Learn chinese in 5 minutes
(read aloud)

English >>> Translation

That's not right >>> Sum ting wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive >>> Hu yu hai ding

See me ASAP >>> Kum hia

Small horse >>> Tai ni po ni

Did you go to the beach? >>> Wai yu so Tan

I bumped the coffee table >>> Ai bang mai fa kin ni

I think you need a face lift >>> Chin tu fat

It's very dark in here >>> Wai so dim

I thought you were on a diet >>> Wai yu mun ching

This is a tow away zone >>> No pah king

Our meeting is scheduled for next week >>> Wai yu kum nao

Staying out of sight >>> Lei ying lo

He's cleaning his automobile >>> Wa shing ka

Your body odor is offensive >>> Yu stin ki pu

Great >>> Fa kin su pab

thunderoo · 19-08-2007, 07:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr_Monty

Learn chinese in 5 minutes
(read aloud)

English >>> Translation

That's not right >>> Sum ting wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive >>> Hu yu hai ding

See me ASAP >>> Kum hia

Small horse >>> Tai ni po ni

Did you go to the beach? >>> Wai yu so Tan

I bumped the coffee table >>> Ai bang mai fa kin ni

I think you need a face lift >>> Chin tu fat

It's very dark in here >>> Wai so dim

I thought you were on a diet >>> Wai yu mun ching

This is a tow away zone >>> No pah king

Our meeting is scheduled for next week >>> Wai yu kum nao

Staying out of sight >>> Lei ying lo

He's cleaning his automobile >>> Wa shing ka

Your body odor is offensive >>> Yu stin ki pu

Great >>> Fa kin su pab

**killerjoolz** · 18-08-2007, 10:42 PM

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a biro-sucking .
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse .
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes
The more I abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important!

**killerjoolz** · 19-08-2007, 11:50 AM

An old lady dies and goes to Heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Pete at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that' says St. Peter 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God' says the old lady 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this' says the old lady, 'I m going to Hell.'
'You can't go there' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

**killerjoolz** · 19-08-2007, 11:50 AM

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and seeing he severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra Pill every four hours.The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What goodwill Viagra do him, Doctor? "
It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

**killerjoolz** · 19-08-2007, 11:56 AM

A SUNDAY School teacher was having her first class.
She wanted to test the children's understanding of what was required to get into God's little garden.
"If I sold my house and my car, had a garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave lollies to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again. Again, they all answered "NO!" The teacher was just burstiing with pride for them.
"Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

**killerjoolz** · 19-08-2007, 11:59 AM

A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodroant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell bottom deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blond.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," says the blond, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...."To apply, push up bottom."

The mind boggles.
Have a wonderful day everyone.
Take care, JO

**killerjoolz** · 19-08-2007, 12:00 PM

What gets longer when you pull it,
fits between a woman's breasts,
inserts neatly into a hole
and
works best when jerked hard?

A SEAT BELT !!!!!!!!

OOOooooooo you dirty minded people

**killerjoolz** · 19-08-2007, 12:03 PM

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read ..

"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:
"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of
factly..."I think the man would have said -"Well, f * ck me!! A
talking
pig!"