QANTAS & RAF maintenance logs

[tufLTD]

QANTAS MAINTENANCE LOGS
Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.


Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet per minute descent.
Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative.
Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums.
Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
Solution - Cat installed.

Problem: Underneath of fuselage buckled and damaged
Solution: Lower undercarriage before landing, then!

Problem - Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution - Took hammer away from midget.

RAF MAINTENANCE LOGS
Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

[MrFlibbles]

thats funny!

[Gimmers55]

Actually these have been around for quite a while and are usually attributed to the USAF. Very funny.

[Aeron]

Hahahaha! Very good!

[flappist]

Like all urban myths they are very very old. Over the years I have heard them attributed to almost every airforce and airline in the world. They are always funny though.

Fault: Something loose in panel
Action: Something tightened

Heard on area.

Aircraft: I am so @#$@^ bored.
Centre: Aircraft transmitting please identify.
Aircraft: I said I was #$#@# bored not $%^#$% stupid.

[BA Bakes]

the scary thing is that i work for an airline. hearing some of those things from flight crew wouldn't surprise me. after all, you can teach a monkey to flight a plane!!

[svo347]

Still funny stuff

[Outbackjack]

I remember reading a story in a flying magazine. Went something like this. It was set in about 1960.

The crew of a british airways flight were having trouble understanding a german flight controller, after constant "say agains" the flight controller got frustrated and asked the British airways captain why were they having so much trouble understanding.... he asked "haven't you ever been to Berlin before???" The British airways captain replied that he had indeed flown to Berlin on many occasions in the early 1940's but had never actually attempted to land....... and certainly didnt anounce their arrival!!

Made me smile anyway.