What jokes do you know?

[FG8PSI]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?', she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, 'That's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.' The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Keith.''

[King Nothing]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

"Doctor, every time I break wind, I produce the sound 'HONDA'.

"Drop your shreddies, bend over the desk, and lets have a quick inspection.
But first, give me a rendition".

So I clenched my teeth, gave a squeeze, and there it was...'HONDA'.

I bent over and he had a rather lengthy delve into the depths. "Ah, I see
the cause of your problem; you`ve got an abcess up there".

"ut how does that produce such a sound?" I ask.

Doctor replies, "Because... Abcess makes the fart go 'HONDA'".

Wouldn't want to be around when vtec just kicked in, yo!

[Hillbilly F Truck]

University is like a gorgeous virgin. You've got to try really hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

[Hillbilly F Truck]

The lovely blonde was learning to swim and was being held afloat by a raunchy swimming instructor. "Will i really sink if you take your finger out?" she asked.

[Hillbilly F Truck]

What's the difference between a blonde and a shower? A shower has to be turned on before it gets wet.

[Hillbilly F Truck]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

[Hillbilly F Truck]

Why is the Irish currency called a punt? Because it rhymes with bank manager.

[Hillbilly F Truck]

The Prime Minister phoned the Queen and asked, "Why not make Australia a Kingdom? I'll be the King!" The Queen declined. "Then, how about a Principality? I'll be the prince!" She responded, "Australia can remain a country and you can stay what you are."

[Burnout]

The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too
shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the
stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, his back to her, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

[pauljh74]

What's twice as annoying as a woman?

Two women.
**************************

The Iranians have refused to play against the USA in the Wheelchair Basketball at the Paralympics.
Talk about ingratitude!
With their indiscriminate bombing campaign, the Americans have provided more invalids in the middle east than anybody else.
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top tip:

Start acting suspicious as soon as you get married, so that when you're actually cheating on your wife, she won't know any different.
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When cheating on your wife or girlfriend - make sure that they both have the same length and colour hair so when one asks "who's hair is this?", you can simply say - "It's yours you balding twit".
**************************

Crossing an Apple (TM) with your wife does not result in a computer that never goes down.
**************************

[Burnout]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red go-cart with little
ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog
and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely Fire
engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. 'Little
colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says.........'You're
probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?

[V3RSAC3]

^^^ ROFL

[Burnout]

Good aint it!

[jcxr]

An Amish woman is travelling along a mid USA backroad just on dusk in her horse drawn buggy when a police car pulls her over for no tailight on the buggy. The officer goes over the road rules etc and warns the woman about the perils of not being visible at night and when glancing over the horse, notices a piece of rope around the horses slug. Not trying to be rude he advises that this may really not be nice for the horse, but lets the woman on her way. Later that evening the lady explains to her husband that the police had requested she get the light fixed, so the obliging husband rectifys the problem and then asked if there was anything else that needed attention, to which the lady replied, "oh yes.he mentioned something about the handbrake"

[itchy brother]

An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.'
e

[snappy]

Irish Boy's Confession



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.



The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'



'Yes, Father, it is.'



'And who was the girl you were with?'



'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'



'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'



'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'



'I'll never tell.'



'Was it Margaret Doyle?'



'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'



'Was it Anne O' Neil?'



'My lips are sealed.'



'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'



'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'



The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'



Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'



'4 Months holiday and five good leads'

[Charliewool]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

[Charliewool]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers ! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women..

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[Burnout]

SIGNS WITH STYLE

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push.

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At AGL, the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Tamworth Radiator Shop: "Best place in town
to take a leak"

[GORDZ]

wow, bad taste gerry.

[snakeoil]

BREAKING NEWS FROM CHINA

Some bloke in the Paralympics has just tested positive for WD40!!

Cheers

[Fev]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

______________________________________

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

________________________________________________

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely pooped my pants."

[Fev]

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You , I'm drowning."

______________________

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating !!", she screams.

[Fev]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[Burnout]

BREAKING NEWS:

Big US mortgage lender to buy Aussie kitchen provider;
New company will be called Fannie Magnet.

[AndrewR_AUII]

MORE BREAKING NEWS

Courier companies Fed-Ex and UPS to merge.
New company will be called Fed-up

[Charliewool]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'



Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong !

[Burnout]

An elderly couple was attending church service, about halfway through
she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I
should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Burnout]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the
same thing, "Hey, this tastes like !"
Then I would say, "It is ! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[pauljh74]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread wide apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought, but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought, but you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was wind, but I was wrong."
*********************************

Whenever I go on the pull, I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo and I think "here's a bird who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."
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