What jokes do you know?

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by Bossxr8

What do Tasmanians and cocaine have in common? They both cousins.
Ben Cousins for the people who don't get it.

Next time you're in Hungry Jacks... ask for a Ben Cousins special.

No burger... just the coke & ice.

[pauljh74]

I remember when the only job a black man could get in America was cleaning up the mess that white folks made...

I guess some things never change.
***********************************************

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound.

I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer
***********************************************

I went round to pick up a girl for a date and her dad answered the door. He said now you be sure to keep your hands off my daughter
So I said "Fine, but it's your fault if she falls off during sex"
***********************************************

What's the difference between a policeman’s truncheon and a magicians wand?

One is used for cunning stunts...
***********************************************

Guy Ritchie and George Bush must be thinking the same thing:

How the hell did I manage to get through the past 8 years?

[Bossxr8]

Originally Posted by Bossxr8

What do Tasmanians and cocaine have in common? They both cousins.














Ben Cousins for the people who don't get it.

Swear filter got me. Just add the f word between both and cousins.

[GS608]

Originally Posted by Bossxr8

What do Tasmanians and cocaine have in common? They both fudge cousins.

[Burnout]

Bloke goes into a bar and shouts out
"Landlord! a pint for me, a pint for you and a pint for everyone in the bar"
A great cheer goes up, and there is a massive surge to the bar. This happens every hour, and soon people are flocking to the pub.
Anyways, at the end of the night, there's the landlord left with the bloke. Landlord says to him " well thanks very much for an excellent night, that'll be £1865.50 please"
Bloke replies "April fool! Hah, its good innit"
With that, the landlord sees red, and beats the bejeezus out of the idiot.

Next day, back in walks this bloke, he's got a fat lip, black eye, can hardly talk, and he says to the landlord "a pint for me, a pint for everyone in the bar, but you're not having any, cos you get bloody stroppy after a few beers"

[pauljh74]

I was at church the other day and when the collection came around I put some monopoly money in the basket. The priest said to me what are you doing, that's not real money!
I replied..."Well lets talk about this god of yours..."
***********************************************

A kid sees his mate on the first day back at school after Christmas.
"Did you have a good Christmas?" he said.

"Yea, you know that air rifle I wanted? I got it. How about you?"

"Well, I woke up, and there was a long box on the end of my bed. It was
an air rifle just like yours except it's a .22 with telescopic sights. And as I got out
of bed, I stood on a massive parcel containing a Hornby train set of the entire British railway system,
points, platforms, shunters, the lot. And then I was just about to open it, when I saw a Rolex watch on my bedside
table, so I put it on, got my air rifle, and opened my door. In the corridor was a brand new Olympic, carbon fibre
racing bike, weighs less than 2lbs....so I've got my watch, my rifle and my bike, and I opened the front door
to find a miniature Aston Martin DB9 cabriolet in the driveway, absolutely fantastic, 4 forward gears, 1 reverse, goes 47 MPH...
I had the best Christmas I've ever had." He ended, breathlessly.

Looking rather downcast, the other kid said "Wish I had leukemia."
*************************************************

A banana and a vibrator are on a desk in a girl's bedroom. The banana says,
"Is this your first time?"
"No, why?"
"I see you're shaking."
*************************************************

Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much. He asked of Friar Tuck, "Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me." And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others. Then with his last strength he drew on The bow and let the arrow fly.

And then he died, smiling. And next day, they did as they had promised, they buried Robin Hood....... on top of his wardrobe.
**************************************************

My Wife has been shagging the Milkman, Butcher and Baker. If I can just get her to shag the Greengrocer and the Plumber too, we'll be able to afford the mortgage.

[pauljh74]

Have you heard about Bob the brown nosed reindeer? He's right behind Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. He can run as fast, but can't stop as fast.
************************************************

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,
Please can you send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother then ..."
************************************************

Why is Christmas like a day at work?

Because you do all the work and some fat bastard in a suit gets all the credit!
************************************************

He laid her on the table so white and clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breast then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide, he looked inside, all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms,
Then stuffed the Christmas turkey!

May I be the first to wish you and your dirty little mind a very MERRY XMAS!
*************************************************

Tip:

To get through the massive queue's while Christmas shopping, get a wind-up alarm clock, and put it in your backpack.

It's amazing how many people will let you go in front of them once they realise your backpack is ticking.

[jcat58]

a women had been a hooker for 4 years and on her wedding night she was worried about the size of her thingy.so she told her husband she caught ït going over a fence.after about an hour in bed her husband asks"just how far across the paddock were you before you realised it was caught

[Burnout]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you
think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning
or rock climbing?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done *any* of those things."

He looked at me and said "Then why do you care to be 80?"

[Velociraptor82]

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

[Velociraptor82]

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.

She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

[Velociraptor82]

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".

Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".

Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test."

Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".

Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".

Man: "Can't do that either."

Officer: "Why not?"

Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!"

[Burnout]

Two Line Rhymes.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was ****ed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so Are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[pauljh74]

I meet this wonderful girl today, we had so much in common, we both liked; Football, beer, pub food and she even laughed at my offensive jokes.

So I took her back to my place and she sat me down and stripped totally naked.

And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common. :
***********************************************

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES ?


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Barack Obama
**********************************************

The average bloke thinks about sex once in every six tits.
**********************************************

That night of terror in Mumbai is really affecting me this morning.

Shooting. Attacking. Hostages taken. Many dead, or wounded.

But that's not the problem.

I just signed up with Sky TV, so I could watch the cricket. I wake to find they've cancelled it.

Not only that, I've been on the phone to Sky TV and the bank for hours this morning, trying to cancel my subscription, and I can't get through to any bastard call centres.
**********************************************

a young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "darling, i have great news - i'm a month overdue. i think were going to have a baby! the doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we cant tell anybody."

the next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill. "are you mrs smith? you're a month overdue, you know!"

"how do you know?" stammers the young woman.

"well, ma'am, its in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"what are you saying? its in your files???"

"absolutely."

"well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

that night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "whats going on here? you have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? what business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"just calm down," says the clerk, "its nothing serious. all you have to do is pay us."

"pay you? and if i refuse?"

"well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"and what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"i dont know. i guess she'd have to use a candle."
*********************************************

You put 2 fingers in... Maybe 3 if it's big enough...


















Oh yeah.... Now that's how you wash a mug.
*******************************************

[Burnout]

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to
see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a
series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at
the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results
back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious
deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of Gonorrheae, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the
doctor. "My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to
do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of Pizza, Pancakes,
Quesadillas and Pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under
the door."

[Burnout]

A man jumps from an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As
he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into the air. As
they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and the other rising away
from it, the skydiver yells,

"Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes would you?"

"Sorry, I don't." The other man yells back. "Would you know anything about
lighting gas stoves?"

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

A man jumps from an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As
he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into the air. As
they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and the other rising away
from it, the skydiver yells,

"Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes would you?"

"Sorry, I don't." The other man yells back. "Would you know anything about
lighting gas stoves?"

that is freakin brilliant!!!

[Burnout]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That’s no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said



"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[Burnout]

Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of...and I have quite the imagination...

So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on....

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
* Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys... It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.

* You will need two piles...no I did not say poles, I said piles.
* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative...use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
* Add the light pile. Close the lid.
* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
* Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

* When you put the toilet seat up....put it back down.
* Every time.

I know...I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible...it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It's Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technique you should be using it to it's full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

* Learn to cook a whole meal.
* When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
* While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
* While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.

You don;t have to thank me...no..really.
Good luck guys.

[birdman941]

UPS Airlines

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane,
but only a high school diploma to fix one;
a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells the mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded
(marked with an S) by maintenance engineers .

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever,
had an a cc ident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[FGII-XR6]

Subject: New Scam

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.
I wasn't able to find them on Sunday

[pauljh74]

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need,

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
************************************************

A beautiful blonde babe walks up to a man on the beach who's wearing tight blue swimming trunks.

She stares into his face for a while, then says, "That's absolutely amazing!"

"What's amazing?" the bloke enquires.

"Your eyes... they match your trunks," the blonde says breathlessly.

"Oh really?" replies the man. "Are they bulging?"
*************************************************

A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
**********************************************

[Charliewool]

The coach of Collingwood Football Club gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Afghanistan.

He and the Magpie Recruiting Manager thumb a lift with the RAAF to the war torn country and track the young man down.

Risking life and limb dodging bombs, bullets, RPGs and grenades they finally find the lad and convince him to come to Australia. The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked for the senior's bench for the first game of the year. Ten minutes into the first quarter, the centre half forward goes down with a severe knee injury. The coach turns to the young lad and says ' This is it son, take the centre half forward position and show us what you can do!'

The lad takes the field and plays the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes the mark of the year and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50.

The Pies chair him off the ground and give him three cheers. Back in the dressing room, the Coach tells the rest of the team what the young Taliban boy has been through and that he is a model for all youth in Melbourne. He then pulled the boy aside and tells him to ring his mother and tell her what he did today.

The boy phones his mother and says 'Mum! Guess what I did today!'

'I don't care what you did today' said his mother 'I'll tell YOU what happened here today while you were out wasting time! - Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, the house was torched, our car blown up, your sister attacked and your brother abducted!'

'By the beard of the prophet mother' said the boy ' I feel a bit responsible for what happened in my absence'.

His mother replied before slamming the phone down 'So you should be!.......If it wasn't for you, we would never have moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

[Burnout]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!!!!!

[gtfpv]

what do you call a vietnamese girl . stuck on a fence ?? ans: PAI LING.

[uranium_death]

Originally Posted by gtfpv

what do you call a vietnamese girl . stuck on a fence ?? ans: PAI LING.

Hmmm...sounds a bit like the Choc Wedge joke...different nationality though

[Burnout]

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was
delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,
when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen
money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair
with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies
at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his
talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him
in confession ..."

[FGII-XR6]

I just got this email are there any scams that have been left out ?

Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex offender waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[FGII-XR6]

The Godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear
anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is?'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper
signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don´t tell
him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney
replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'

Don't you just love lawyers?

[FGII-XR6]

Notice:

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,
as well as current market conditions & carbon tax, the Light at the
End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.