I think I'm going to have to shoot them

[Neeek]

A lesson in bickering and conflict resolution…

Scenario One

At the airport, Emma’s carry-on bag is found to have a Swiss Army knife within. She is told to go back to the counter and check it in, whilst Ben waits for her to return, sans bag. What reaction should Ben have upon her return?

A – Oh well, never mind. These things happen. Let’s go and find a book to read from WHSmith.
B – You dopey sod! Now, let’s go and find a book to read from WHSmith.
C – I asked you if you put your knife in the rucksack and you told me you had! Why didn’t you put it in the rucksack? Jesus, Emma, you’re stupid. I asked you twice and STILL you left it in there! You know, you were lucky they didn’t confiscate it and then where would you be? I put mine in my rucksack – it’s so simple. Jesus.

Scenario Two

At home, Ben and Emma have discovered that their website advertising their investment property (for rent) has gone down due to Ben’s credit card expiring. This is after they have sent a marketing email only the night before, which will of course now direct the recipients to a website that is down. What should their reaction be?

A – Bugger; let’s jump online and update our account details with a valid card and get it back up. Oh well – these things happen.
B – How can they do that? They didn’t give us any notice? I suppose we’d better sort it out now. Oh well.
C – The card expires in February and the next payment isn’t due until March, for Godssake! How can they do this? Right, I’m going to send them a snotty email because this is SO wrong – they shouldn’t just bring it down because the next payment wouldn’t come through! We’re not late in our payments! We just sent that email out and now we’re buggered! God, I hate these people – they’re useless. I’m going to tell them it has to be back up in 2 hours instead of their usual 24-hour period – they can’t do this. Bloody hell.

Scenario Three

Neither of them have a mobile ‘phone on them, so I suggest that it might be good policy to take my old spare mobile and put a pay-as-you-go SIM in it so that the time they are in Oz (6 weeks), I can call them to meet somewhere or they can stop using payphones. Outcome?

A – Sounds like a good idea. Done.
B – Ben likes the idea, Emma does not. 30 second discussion, and a decision is made. Done.
C – Ben isn’t sure and Emma does NOT want a ‘phone; “it goes against my whole traveling philosophy”. Cue 2 minutes of heated should-we/shouldn’t-we, followed by “Nick, we’ll let you know – we’re going to talk about it later”. After 24 hours, they still can’t agree and as a result, I can’t contact them.

I can’t stand it any longer. I think I’m going to kill them. Any suggested methods?