Saturday funny

[Charliewool]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Mum." With the
worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.

"Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice,but
I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading
it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy
we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and
I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to
visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.

P.S.Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Charliewool]

Another...

New Industrial Relation Changes

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we are assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thankyou for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Management

[JACK250]

Hmmm... that first one is giving me ideas... too bad I didn't know about it after third term

[gthofan]

hahhaha, that first one left me stumped until the end.
the second one is a ripper! im printing that and its going in the lunch room hehe

[XRchic]

They are good. I have a nearly 13 year old daughter and a 9 year old son who is 9 going on 15.... I am anticipating all sorts of things given that my daughter is a hippy and my son is a very intense, strong willed sociable child...

Then there is the baby... LOL

[Van D]

Haha, wish i'd known that first one before I finished yr 12 :(