A Few JOKES To Put Some Life Back Into This Forum

[killerjoolz]

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read ..

"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:
"And what do you think the man said?"


One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of
factly..."I think the man would have said -"Well, f * ck me!! A
talking
pig!"

[killerjoolz]

Proudly showing off her newly leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk blonde
led the way to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friend's asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" she drunkenly replied.
"A talking clock - seriously?"
"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Just Watch" she said.
She picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash ' and stepped back. Her three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed "For f*#k's sake you stupid , it's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!"

[killerjoolz]

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed
>and squealing with delight.
>
>Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
>ridiculous you look? What is the matter with you?"
>
>The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care what you
>say, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not
>only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."
>
>The husband replies "What did he say about your 55 year old ar*e...?"
>
>She replied "Your name never came up!"
>

[killerjoolz]

"Don't laugh!" said the patient George.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," George said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing the tiniest the doctor had ever seen. It

couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then

fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to

struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know

what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman,

I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the

problem?"



"It's swollen," George replied

[killerjoolz]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.


Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."


"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.


Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven..... and unlocked my destiny."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more earnestly.


"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."


"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

[killerjoolz]

Flat Belly
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?' The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.' 'Your wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up

[thunderoo]

Did your kids draw this last week at school Killer ????

[thunderoo]

A very loud, unattractive, fat, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the
hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look
alike, you di#k*e^d?"


"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
would shag you twice!"

[thunderoo]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a`note for her milkman to leave 25 litres of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 litres.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 25 litres of milk. Did you mean 2.5 litres?"

The blonde said, I want 25 litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs - so I can splash it on my face".

[thunderoo]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service ...

[thunderoo]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad
is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks. The father feeling a little
perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult
questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate
breakfast?" "Yes,"

answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when
we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence
for a few seconds and asks:


..




"And Tigger?"

[killerjoolz]

Originally Posted by thunderoo

Did your kids draw this last week at school Killer ????

hahahaha ..... : I wish....then I would have more MONEY to spend on my car...

[killerjoolz]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no" says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

[MY TY]

lotsa funnies and at this stressful time of the year (Christmas, bah! humbug!) a laugh is about all I can aFFORD. he he he cheers Trisha.

[deesun]

Try this one

Why parents drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

[mik]

great jokes there
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
See yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.


"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's . Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my in the right place, it can
Give life."

"Is that true Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!"

[killerjoolz]

hahaha...very good ...love it