What jokes do you know?

[bathurst77]

Originally Posted by XG-PanelvanMan

wow, no jokes for a whole day!

does this mean that every joke ever written is in the last 40 something pages???

NO. It jsut means nobody could top the jokes that Kevin Rudd and Mal Turnbull read out in Canberra this week.

[FGII-XR6]

How to stop church gossip ...

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being
an alcoholic when she saw his old pickup truck parked at the towns only bar
one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few
words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He
didn't explain, defend, or deny.. .... He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his ute in front of Mildred's
house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!

You gotta love Frank.

[FGII-XR6]

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track downterrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.They've got the whole thing ***-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day,leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep,' and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million p*ssed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.***How about recruiting menopausal Women over the age of 50 ... !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

[FGII-XR6]

Economics explained

It is mid August. In a small town on the South Coast of France. Holiday
season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much
business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local
hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception
counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on
the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his butcher to
whom he owes E100.

The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some
time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave
him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for
her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs
the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his
E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the
small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.

[dave289]

What do you call a jewish maori ?



hebrew

[AndrewR_AUII]

The Bible also says that the man must make the coffee...

HeBrews.

[Burnout]

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver
stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank
it all down.

The poor man started crying.

The truckie turned and said: "Aww, come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll
buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No no, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept
and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired
me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The
police said they could do nothing.

So I had to get a cab home, except after I paid the cab driver and the cab
had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

Then I got inside only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home
depressed and came to this bar. And NOW ... just when I was finally getting
the courage to put an end to it all, YOU had to show up and drink all the poison."

[Burnout]

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[Burnout]

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes,
including suspicious deaths and homicides. And every year the Homicide
Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year:

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long
vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20
inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal
organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the
truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who
he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that
if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat
poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim
took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended
sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she
tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to
her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to
death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since
Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 State troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled
"Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real
looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because
she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with
a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was
killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period
of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite
that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although
she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness,
extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended
a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading
her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she
was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons
some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever
found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early
hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had mounted
F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine,
aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would
constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and
the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the
engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup
of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know
was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the
yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5, 000 degrees, killing
her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard
With A Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into
an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white
board that read Death to all ! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On
the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him
off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after
a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents'
passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After
the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and
turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left
out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree,
have puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house,
and himself in the process.

[Burnout]

THE TARTAN MENACE

Hello, I'm Roland Trotsky. I'm forty-eight, I live in St Ives and I've got a
pet hamster called Nigel - but that's enough of the biographical chit-chat.
Let's talk about bagpipes - more specifically, let's talk about how we're
going to get them off our streets.

You may have noticed, perhaps whilst out shopping in your local high street,
certain tartan-flavoured people soliciting money in return for blowing into an
instrument that resembles a bag of spanners with a series of vacuum cleaner
attachments sticking out of it. Well, firstly, these people are usually not
Scottish. Secondly, although bagpipes are commonly described as a musical
instrument, I'll be damned if I can think of anything less musical than
the toneless, spleen-rending whine produced by one of these accursed things.
Have you ever heard a tune being played on one? ...Yes? ...Liar! A tune has
rhythm, it has structure, it has... it has... well, it has a tune. The only
sound you will ever hear emanating from those bloody pipes is a depressing,
droning, monotonous groan, which beats irritatingly on your eardrums for
five and half minutes then just suddenly stops for no apparent reason.

Not that I have a problem with them stopping. No, no, not at all - I find
the sudden cessation of their God-awful racket a blessed relief. I have a
problem with them being allowed to start in the first place. Who told these
irritating bastards that they're welcome in our shopping malls and town
centres? Where do the buggers come from? Is there a minibus that deploys
them at strategic locations early on a Saturday morning, and do they meet up
afterwards for a debriefing in which they discuss how many old ladies they've
scared out of their wits, and how many children have been reduced to tears?

Imagine what would happen if I decided to put on a skirt and stand on a street
corner, blowing into a bag of offal and wailing uncontrollably. I'll tell you
what would happen - I'd be dragged around the back of the Co-op by the filth
and given a swift kicking, that's what. Yet these tartan bastards can get away
with it in the name of 'culture'. You know most of them come from Coventry,
don't you? Oh yes. Few of them have ever been further north than Bradford.
Here are a number of other things that you may not know about bagpipes:

* Bagpipes are played by repeatedly spitting down the neck. They fill up
rapidly and there is a serious possibility that they might burst and cover
the surrounding crowd in phlegm.

* Most bagpipes enter the country illegally. This means that they have
not been quarantined or given the necessary vaccinations. As a result,
many of them are carriers of serious diseases, like whooping cough, scrofula
and rabies.

* A set of bagpipes can hold enough oxygen to allow its owner to remain
submerged for up to eight hours. Pipers in the English Channel frequently
harass marine life and are a constant danger to shipping.

* Many bagpipers eat babies when they think no one is looking.

Puts a different complexion on it, doesn't it? At this point you're probably
asking yourself why such a dangerous piece of kit is allowed to be paraded
around our streets, unlicensed and unchecked. This question becomes all the
more pertinent when you consider the history of the instrument. You see,
when the Jacobites came marching down from the Highlands the during the
eighteenth century, it was the pipers who met the English first - not as you
might expect, in order to play them a traditional Scottish ditty and sell them
a tin of shortbread. Oh no. They were sent in first to scare the living
out of them. And it worked, the English quite rightly thought that whoever
was capable of wringing such a dreadful, tortured squeal out of anything -
be it living or dead - was clearly somebody to be reckoned with. Of course,
as soon as the Redcoats developed earplugs, the Highlanders were sunk, but
even so, during the height of battle, whenever an English soldier happened
to glance up and see that dreadful tartan sack he was struck with mortal fear.

Major General Barmy Phipps takes the law into his own hands:
The point is, a set of bagpipes is not a musical instrument at all - it's a
weapon. And a pretty devastating one at that. In recent times, scientists
have discovered that the precise frequencies generated by the pipes has a
direct effect on the human nervous system, and prolonged exposure is likely to transform anyone unfortunate enough to be in range into a gibbering cabbage.
It should be noted these selfsame scientists were careful to examine
the pipes under carefully controlled laboratory conditions, taking every
precaution to shield themselves from the hazardous effects, using specially
constructed soundproof booths and industrial strength ear protectors..
And yet, despite the proven dangers, the damn things are still allowed on
our streets, causing mayhem and distress to harmless shoppers. It must be
stopped, before someone gets hurt.

That's why I am spearheading a campaign to get these nasty and malicious
instruments of torture decommissioned. If you'd like the join the battle to
keep this unholy racket off our streets, write to us at the following address:

We Want to Stop These Bloody Bagpipes
112 Tartan Avenue
Sao Paulo

And then, once every last one of the blasted things has been destroyed,
we're going to make a start on banjos.

[Jason[98.EL]]

The 5 affair's

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son..
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!


The 3rd Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door..
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powde r.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damne d thing.'



The 4th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'


The 5th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
'now just rest and let the poison work.'

[CPOCSM]

Bill and Ben the flower pot men sitting in a bar...

Bill goes to Ben..."Flubber flubber Flub Flub...!"

Ben goes to Bill..." If you really loved me, you would have swallowed that!"

Boom Boom

[pauljh74]

Did you hear about the gay chap who drove a hearse?

He was forever taking a stiff one in the rear.
*******************************

The dentist

A man goes to the dentist have a tooth pulled....

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection" the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says"Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says" Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist" but it will give you something to hold onto
when I pull your tooth.
*********************************

Did you hear about the blonde that got stuck in her hotel room?

"There are only three doors in here" she cried to 999, "one is the bathroom, one is a wardrobe, and the other has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
*********************************

[Burnout]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start
writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching
TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"

He said, "No - I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had
better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will
forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I
can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned from the
kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write
it down! You've forgotten my toast!"

[RSgerry]

Originally Posted by CPOCSM

Bill and Ben the flower pot men sitting in a bar...

Bill goes to Ben..."Flubber flubber Flub Flub...!"

Ben goes to Bill..." If you really loved me, you would have swallowed that!"

Boom Boom

LMFAO....gold.

[vztrt]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

__________________________________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ __________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a uri ne sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

This one's for "Guitarman" .

Thanks for the dedication, then the 'old' jokes, "OLD" mate. Are you insinuating that we're getting on?
EDIT - (Sorry Burnedout, I might have got that previous phrase linguistically incorrect, come to think of it; - your name suggests that the word should be 'incinerating', NOT 'insinuating' - Ed.)

Anyway, back to the serious stuff!

Q: What 4 letter word ends in ".UNT", and is always female?
A: AUNT.

Q: What ends in ".UNT", and smells like fish?
A: REX HUNT.

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

I've just tried phoning the Swine Flu helpline but there is just a load
of crackling on the line!

I've heard that most of the staff have come down with rashers.

[azaxr8]

should i call the hambulance?

[guitarman]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has got to want to change.

Policeman caught one boy drinking battery acid, and the other eating fireworks.
He charged one and let the other off.

Why do oysters never give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by azaxr8

should i call the hambulance?

Yes, think of the pork kids!

[FGII-XR6]

Get a Grip!

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son ... He gives the
young boy 3 five cent pieces to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly,
the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.. The father realizes the
boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The
boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the
father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as
he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes
over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,"I've never seen anybody
do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Australian Tax Office.

[guitarman]

A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into one another.
Apparently, the crew were marooned.

Why didn't the husband speak to his wife for a month?
He didn't want to interrupt her.

Why did the maharishi refuse anaesthetic when his tooth was pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[FGII-XR6]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room
and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was,
'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, I'll thucking suffocate ...

[FGII-XR6]

Touching Prayer from a child

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......

Amen!

[guitarman]

Thief: Stick 'em up, and give me your money!
Man: You've got a hide, I'm a member of parliament!
Thief: In that case, give me MY money!

[Chopped]

**Congratulations**

You have been selected by Sweetshop.com
to win the weight of your genetals in lollies.

A tic tac will be sent to your shortly

[Burnout]

God and the Devil were talking one day. The Devil said to God, "Come on,
let's have some fun, let's go to Mars."

God replied that he had visited Mars 5,000 years ago and found it much
too hot.

"Well, what about Jupiter then?" asked the Devil.
"No - went there 10,000 years ago; atmosphere too thick; could hardly breath."

"Well ... let's go to Earth then," the Devil said.

"Can't," said God, "went there 2,000 years ago; got a nice Jewish girl
pregnant, and they're still talking about it."

[guitarman]

Scientists recently confirned the old adage 'Pigs Might Fly',
when they announced swine flu.

How did the boy get a cold?
He slept with the window open, and influenza.

[Hardtopxb]

Young political party members of Australia.
1.The young Libs.
2.The young Labs.
3.The young Nats.
4.Then you have the Country party.