What's your best/worst joke?

[trick_xd]

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to
close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over
her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope your hungry, because the electricity was cut off
this morning."

[trick_xd]

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, or sports. I have to make up
something
else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need
to
see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine.Your hair is fine.You look fine.
Can we
just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering
around
in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

[trick_xd]

ONLY IN AMERICA COULD THIS HAPPEN !!!
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the
century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with
the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated
nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it
had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it
would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss
of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00
fine.

[trick_xd]

An older couple, Sam and Bessie move to Texas. Sam always wanted a
pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and
wears them home, walking proudly. He goes into the house and says to
Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope!"
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a
hat.."

[trick_xd]

This is Why You Dont Cheat Of GirlFriends

[trick_xd]

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game
When His Wife Interrupts,
Honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
He Looks At Her And Says Angrily;
Fix The Light, Now?
Does It Look Like I Have A G.e. Logo Printed On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!
The Wife Asks, Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right.
To Which He Replied, Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.
Fine, She Says Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?
They're About To Break.
I'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix Steps, He Says.
Does It Look Like I Have Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.
I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!
So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out.

As He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed.
As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working.
As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice
Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The
Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
He Said, So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?
She Replied,
Hellooooo.......do You See Betty Crocker Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!

[trick_xd]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ***.
We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[FordFan86]

LMFAO!!!! this page is great, always gets me a laugh

[trick_xd]

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

[trick_xd]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15
kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard
that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All
the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced
to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker "I'm seeing a pattern here. . . Are
they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An'
when it's
time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An
'if
I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
'Leroy'
and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them
all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to
come,
and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

[trick_xd]

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has
been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a
detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can
be
found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been
returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two
tickets
to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but
my
wife was having a baby and I had to hotwire your ignition to rush her to
the
hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for
tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return
home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been
taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a
note
on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my
newly
born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

[paul7v7]

Towards the end of the service the preacher asked his congregation:
how many of you have forgiven your enemies? About half held up their
hands. This was not good enough, and he began to implore them, in the
name
of
'Christ', to make a public commitment to forgive their enemies right then

and
there. One by one HALLELUJAH! more hands came up, until finally there
was only one small elderly lady who remained with her hands in her lap.


'Mrs.Jones?'asked the preacher. 'Are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?'


'I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.


'Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?'


'Ninety-three', she replied.


'Oh, Mrs.Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would
you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a
person can live to 93 years and not have an enemy in the world.'


The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said in a suddenly strong voice. 'I outlived the
bitches.'

[Charliewool]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, it's
certainly not a ship. And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began
to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned
Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've
had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that,
she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve
or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He took one,
lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that
is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long
has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the
blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the
blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and
removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a
long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly
fantastic!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip
the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and
sobbed, "Sweet Jesus!" "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there too!"

[Charliewool]

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said: "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off
Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the volunteer fire company from the nearby Norwegian rural township, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off
right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had
saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

[bindi]

Subject: FW: Yet Another Virus Warning ....

*******WARNING-WARNING-WARNING-WARNING********

If you receive an email entitled "Bad times," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on, ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer. (For Gods sake man are you listening?!?!)

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Bad times" message is opened in a Windows environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

And, if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm, shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks, that will ignite onto the person nearest you.

Send, Send, Send, Send, SEND ! ! !

[bindi]

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."

[bindi]

There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car suddenly stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it's not going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her, and the blonde takes the car door.

They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in case I get hungry I'll have something to eat."

They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got thirsty I'll have something to drink." They all decide that's a good idea, too.

Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, "Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."

[bindi]

And now for my favourite joke of all time...

A rancher in Oz was out checking farm fences in his four-wheel-drive when he hit a pig. He radioed the ranch for advice.

"The pig is stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later the rancher called in again: "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on."

"Why not?" Asked the boss."What's the problem?"

"Well it's his motorbike, the blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

[darkfang888]

I heard this on the telly, apparently mike king heard it from an aussie. I guess I should take offense (being a kiwi), but anyway:

aussie: So you're a kiwi... whats it like having your own sheep to shag?
kiwi: what?
aussie: I heard every kiwi gets their own sheep until the age of 14 and they use it for 'practice'.
kiwi(with a cheeky grin): yeah thats right. we shag 'em for 14 years then export them to you guys who eat 'em. Think about that the next time the gravy's dribbling down your chin.

[Marlin_Girl]

OMG i have the sickest joke! i never remember jokes but this one is so so wrong that i'll never forget it :

A man was in the waiting room at the hospital, pacing the floor. His wife was inside having their first child. After a while the doctor came out to talk to the nervous father.

"Well, your baby is here. It's a boy. And guess what? He can fly!" The doctor let go of the baby and it hit the floor with a SMACK. The father was irrate. The doctor calmed him down

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing. Your baby really can fly. Watch." Again, the doctor picked up the baby, and this time tossed it across the room. Again, the baby hit the floor with a hard SMACK. The father was just about ready to kill the doctor.

"You idiot! You're going to kill my baby!"

"Don't worry. He just needs to be scared a little." So the doctor took the baby and held it out the third story window. The doctor let go of the baby and it hit the sidewalk below with a sickening SPLAT. The father was beside himself with anger.

"You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna kill you!"

"Hey, don't worry! I'm just joking with you. Your baby was stillborn."
:togo:

[TheSneakiness]

That's wrong on all levels.

[Marlin_Girl]

i know

so so wrong...

[xceler8shun]

holy crap!!!!!

I cant stop laughing at that last one

[Charliewool]

Correct use of the "F" word . . .

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ***!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998


And a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

[trick_xd]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The
monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard
climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After
a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink
from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him
to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water
did you drink?!!"

[trick_xd]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind
him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen,
you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Bob
hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer
prints the following:






Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping at WalMart

[clampy]

my girlfriend is a soccer player. because everytime i make her go down, she cries.

what do you do when you see a space man? park your car in it man.

[trick_xd]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she
shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks
the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ttthe
fffriigginggg ttthingggg offffff?" ! ! ! ! ! !

[trick_xd]

Things that are QUITE difficult to say when you are drunk.

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

1. Specificity
2. Antidisestablishmentarianism
3. Loquacious
4. Transubstantiate

Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
2. Nope, I've had enough to drink thank you
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. No thanks, kebab's are full of fat
5. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. I'm not interested in fighting you
7. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination
8. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street
9. You're right; I can't jump over that table.
10. Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing

[trick_xd]

Are you a NSW, QLD or VIC Police Officer?



Question:



How do you tell the difference between a NSW, QLD or VIC Police Officer?



Answer:



Pose the following question:



You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.



Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner,



locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.



You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

------------------------------------------------------

NSW Answer:



Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!



Does the man look poor or Oppressed?



Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?



Could we run away?



What does my wife think?



What about the kids?



Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his

hand?



What does the law say about this situation?



Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?



Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this

send to society and to my children?



Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?



Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound

me?



If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he

was stabbing me?



Should I call 0-0-0?



Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and

weed day and make this a happier, healther street that would discourage such behavior.



If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he

falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity to

sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home? .



----------------------------------------------------------------------



QUEENSLAND Officer Answer:



BANG !

-------------------------------------------------------------------



VICTORIAN Officer Answer:



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click....(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.



Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"