Mental Illness

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by duaned

My gastroenterologist said he felt no need to throw a scope down my throat to take a look around, instead gave my a script for another 5 packs of Somac. idiot as I told him anti-reflux tablets have not been working. Then after speaking to another person who had almost identical symptoms I have to concor I think it is Anxiety causing my stomach discomfort. I guess I pretty much answered my own question earlier in this thread. Surely stomach discomfort doesn't bring a grown man into an emotional mess? I have eliminated all caffeine, spicy foods, foods containing high acidity and nothing changes. No acid reducing tablets have changed (or reduced) my symptoms. I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night after remembering a previous traumatic event. List goes on. Thoughts?

2 years ago I went through a very emotional and stressful event. I was deeply hurt by a family member and felt an inner rage inside.
7 days later I was lying on a Hospital gurney, contemplating wearing a colostomy bag for a period of time whilst my bowel repaired.

The diagnosis was Acute Diverticulitis with a Perforated Bowel.

By the time I reached hospital I had spent 3 days doubled over in pain from my abdomen region, they said another 24 would have been touch and go.
I spent over a week in there on antibiotics while they monitored my condition.

Move forward another 6 months and I lost my job, I had a lot of trouble dealing with some issues relating to that and again found myself suffering from the same symptoms as previous.
This time I ended up with a 4 day stay as I had 'caught it in time.'
I too was given Somac as they thought I had an ulcer or reflux issue causing the abdominal pain.

I had a Colonoscopy and an Endoscopy and nothing was evident.

It was at this point that I raised the coincidence with my GP.
I told him that two very stressful events in my life occurred prior to each episode by a few days and that I believed it was not diet related but stress related.
he wasn't interested, was sure it was a handful of peanuts I'd eaten or a seed from a hotdog roll.
For the record we have hotdogs weekly and I cant resist a packet of Nobby's beer nuts.
never do I experience any problems eating either, it isn't diet related im 100% sure.

I suffer from Hypertension so am a naturally anxious person and when things get me down I really stew on them and I believe it is these things which trigger my episodes.

As for mental health issues, I've held my finger over the post button a few times since this thread was started, not quite up to it yet.

[supershifty]

Originally Posted by duaned

My gastroenterologist said he felt no need to throw a scope down my throat to take a look around, instead gave my a script for another 5 packs of Somac. idiot as I told him anti-reflux tablets have not been working. Then after speaking to another person who had almost identical symptoms I have to concor I think it is Anxiety causing my stomach discomfort. I guess I pretty much answered my own question earlier in this thread. Surely stomach discomfort doesn't bring a grown man into an emotional mess? I have eliminated all caffeine, spicy foods, foods containing high acidity and nothing changes. No acid reducing tablets have changed (or reduced) my symptoms. I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night after remembering a previous traumatic event. List goes on. Thoughts?

I've had tests over the last eight months looking for abdominal cancer or other abnormalities to try and find my unexplained bloatedness, nausea and vomiting. "Back end" has been sweet. I've always had a cast iron stomach and can eat anything. Tried gluten free and lactose free diets in case I'd developed an intolerance to it. Ultrasound and blood tests revealed nothing abnormal. Didn't go the throat endoscopy for the stomach for ulcers as bloods didn't indicate it.

I've tried Nexium on prescription as well as Mylanta and they didn't really help - the gut discomfort is very unpredictable for me. I've been in totally comfortable situations with a small group of trusted people and I gotta barf. For the most, it's when I'm out of my comfort zone that I feel really sick. Crowds, large shopping centres, even not knowing where I'm going to find a car park sets me off.

Since I've sought help, my Doctor has put me on Talam for the depression/anxiety and Diazepam to calm me. It's somewhat working, time will tell. It's only been two weeks, but I'm a little better.

I hear ya about being a grown man and the question of needing help duaned. I'm 47 and have fought battles without help for the main of it. I was always strong and independent of anyone - just need help now, and asking for it makes you no lesser a man.

Cheers!

[duaned]

Well said Bent8, it's good to get it out there. Sounds like sounds like some of your symptoms are similar to mine. I will be heading to an anxiety clinic shortly, but my doctor did subscribe some non addictive treatment as I ended up in tears in the treatment room when he asked me some questions relating to previous trauma in my life. And breaking out in tears is just not me. Not normally but we are all only human.

[duaned]

Well said supershifty, you are right. Ill post shortly what my doc prescribed but I must admit this time around he was very understanding of my condition and didn't treat me as a number. Although I no longer own a Ford it's great to still have something in common with some forum members here!

[tut0r]

I'm sure you have all heard the similar sayings like...

'The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.'

But my all time favorite and I find very accurate at times.

'Depression is not a sign of weakness, it’s just a sign that we have been strong for too long.'

My stomach issues have subsided a lot, I'm on ratadine and Nexium twice a day, had to cut out a lot of foods which is hard as I have grown up with a father for a chef and love my food. But the mind can do horrible things to the human body, just like when you meet your future wife or girlfriend for the first time, the butterflies you feel in your stomach from just a thought, same happens with anger and extreme sadness.

[sneaky]

^^^ nothing really helpful for you, but i have had stomach and intestine type problems since i was in my mid to late teens. my doctor has always said that signs of stress can come through stomach related issues. i think he said something about some traditional medicines treating believing stomach shows stress.

usually if i have my condition (colitis) under control a stressful event/time can bring me undone - death of relative, pregnant wife, selling house, work issues, etc.

would it be worth getting a second opinion? my GP has always looked after me, but one specialist i saw didn't really give a toss and just kept telling me my symptons weren't as bad as other patients he saw, so he didn't see what my problem was (that's the opinion me and my wife had of him).. moved on to better specialist now, but usually i can sort my own meds out through the GP - i've worked out what works and what doesn't so i just go for scripts if needed.

[BLUEYBA]

if you aren't happy with the diagnosis a doctor gives you should always go for a second opinion. Remember its your health and you need to do what is best for you.

[BLUEYBA]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

2 years ago I went through a very emotional and stressful event. I was deeply hurt by a family member and felt an inner rage inside.
7 days later I was lying on a Hospital gurney, contemplating wearing a colostomy bag for a period of time whilst my bowel repaired.

The diagnosis was Acute Diverticulitis with a Perforated Bowel.

By the time I reached hospital I had spent 3 days doubled over in pain from my abdomen region, they said another 24 would have been touch and go.
I spent over a week in there on antibiotics while they monitored my condition.

Move forward another 6 months and I lost my job, I had a lot of trouble dealing with some issues relating to that and again found myself suffering from the same symptoms as previous.
This time I ended up with a 4 day stay as I had 'caught it in time.'
I too was given Somac as they thought I had an ulcer or reflux issue causing the abdominal pain.

I had a Colonoscopy and an Endoscopy and nothing was evident.

It was at this point that I raised the coincidence with my GP.
I told him that two very stressful events in my life occurred prior to each episode by a few days and that I believed it was not diet related but stress related.
he wasn't interested, was sure it was a handful of peanuts I'd eaten or a seed from a hotdog roll.
For the record we have hotdogs weekly and I cant resist a packet of Nobby's beer nuts.
never do I experience any problems eating either, it isn't diet related im 100% sure.

I suffer from Hypertension so am a naturally anxious person and when things get me down I really stew on them and I believe it is these things which trigger my episodes.

As for mental health issues, I've held my finger over the post button a few times since this thread was started, not quite up to it yet.

Don't be afraid to hit the post button. Most of us who have posted here don't know each other but are all connectted by the same thing. It does help to share how your feelings and everyone here have been through it in there own way so are understanding.

[tut0r]

Originally Posted by BLUEYBA

Don't be afraid to hit the post button. Most of us who have posted here don't know each other but are all connectted by the same thing. It does help to share how your feelings and everyone here have been through it in there own way so are understanding.

Completely agree, this is one of the few threads on these forums where you will be supported and not judged like our other usual arguments relating to whats better!!

Still can't believe how many people here exhibit the same symptoms as others, yet all of us have the one thing in common....Stress.

[BENT_8]

Thanks guys.

I saw my first psychiatrist when I was 10.
I had been involved in a bad car accident and my Doctor referred us to see if it was this event that was causing my grades to drop.
After half an hour he told Mum in no uncertain words that my Father was my problem and that she should get me away from him asap.
I don't blame her for staying though, that's how it was then.

My old man was an animal, I first met him when I was 5, he beat me that day and most days for the next 10 years.
I left home at 15 and moved 150k away into the country, it still felt too close.
That's when I met the woman who is now my wife. We've been together for 23 years this Christmas, 4 beautiful kids, they are my rock, where I should be theirs...
I wouldn't be writing this if not for them.

Things were going well for me until 12 years ago when I had a bad experience with work cover.
That really messed with my head.
I had a few sessions with another psyche who was probably the first person to see how deeply I was scarred.
My anger was at tipping point, all I needed was to lock onto a target and look out.
She suggested to Work Cover that I not return to my old job, for their sake.

The last 10 years have been a real struggle. I've had numerous jobs which I end up throwing in when something triggers my anger, its that or do something I would regret.
The lines from Kenny Rogers song Coward of the County '20 years of crawling, was bottled up inside him, he wasn't holding nothing back he let them have it all'
That's how I feel, if I release my anger im not sure that I could stop.

I know I've got issues, what I've written barely scratches the surface.
I've been like this for so long, probably for ever, that its just normal to me.
I can sit in a chair being told how wonderful things are in soft monotones all day.
I've been subject to hypnotising and to be honest I was too embarrassed to tell him I was wide awake and trying not to **** myself laughing.

I don't know if this is depression or if my brand was so badly damaged as a kid that this is normal and untreatable.

Im not even sure if I want help anymore.

[XD 351 Ute]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

Im not even sure if I want help anymore.

I thought I was the only one who felt like this...
Some days are better than others, I just try to ride the bad ones out.

Ed

[BLUEYBA]

Originally Posted by XD 351 Ute

I thought I was the only one who felt like this...
Some days are better than others, I just try to ride the bad ones out.

Ed

Yeah I can see what you both are saying. I guess I felt like this at times as you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. At different times i have stopped seeing doctors and counsellors and then started again. Sometimes its finding the right one. The way I look at it, rightly or wrongly, is that you should never give up on trying to improve your health (mental or physical) its just too important.

[geckoGT]

I am 42 now and when I think back I have been living with depression and PTSD (diagnosed) for at least 34 years. I often envy to people that have depression due to a chemical imbalance in the brain that is manageable by medications. That is not to say I think they have it easy because they don't, depression sucks no matter what the cause is.

My problem is not a chemical one, it is a problem of someone having so many things happen to them in their life, how I do manage with all that? The brief overview is this.

Never met my father, I was told he was dead for the first 8 years of my life, then I find out he was a criminal, then that he escaped Fremantle prison, then that my name was changed so that he could not find Mum and I because he wanted to kill us. That took me over 20 years to find out and I still have not met him.

I was separated from my mother from ages 2-5 for reasons I still do not really know, I lived with my grandparents. I think it may have been something to do with my father.

Living with my mother through primary school I went to 9 different schools in 7 years.

When I was 7 my mother met the man she married, life was about to get better as I finally had what everyone else had, a dad. That turned sour, he was strict and then he turned abusive. I used to get whipped with thin plastic rods across the underside of the toes until they bled if I did not clean my room. I lived in constant fear of him. This torture went on for 4 years, my schooling suffered more (not helped but he constant school changes) and I was wetting the bed nearly every night. My step father was also strange in that he would not let me wear PJ's whenever we were on trips away and in hotels, I was only allowed to wear my undies. I wish I knew at the time that was a sign of things to come.

Within 2 years my step father started with the sexual abuse. It would always happen when mum was working late and he would get drunk. I am not going to go into too much detail as it will make people want to vomit, just remember that he also had a violent streak too. Luckily mum was suspicious after a few years and asked me what was going on, she managed to get it out of me why she saw him leaving my room naked. We left that day and never went back.

So then I was constantly having night mares, suffering insomnia, wetting the bed again (at 13), feeling a constant fear that I can not describe and self harming. The fear was the same feeling that I would get every time I was being abused, I was feeling that every day. The self harm was slashing myself with razor blades on my legs and upper arms, not a suicide attempt. Mum worked out I was wetting the bed, had me checked for diabetes and that was all. I was not allowed to talk to the police about the abuse, no counselling either. The reason was we don't talk about these things, we just have to move on.

This post is going on too long but there are a heap of other significant negative occurrences in my life. They come from my high school years, life in the Army and particularly occurrences on deployment overseas. Also more recently the variety of reasons paramedics have enormous stress levels. Additionally I ended up involved in a relationship with someone that was not working well at all, in fact it almost cost me my relationship with my daughter. This was a relationship that at times was nothing short of abusive (mostly emotionally) and I am so glad to be out of it.

I have been on anti depressants before and the doses were massive trying to get me sorted. They did not really work, sure they would numb things down a bit but I still do not believe they made a real difference and the side effects were awful.

So what has kept me going? My cycling was the first, the self mutilation stopped when the cycling started. Really the cycling became my healthier and more socially acceptable means to punish myself. The next thing was the Army, distraction is a good management for me and the army provided lots of that. Also a very good way to let that aggression and anger out. I had an occasion on a bayonet assault course where I really flipped out, my SLR rifle ended up in about 7 pieces. The instructor (a Vietnam vet) loved it, said it even made him feel scared watching the ferocity I attacked those targets with. The last thing is my family, I do not want to hurt them.

That brings me onto the main reason for this post, the subject of depression and suicide. I have felt that death for me would be an end to the pain since I was about 8 or 9 but increasing through my life. To this day I want to die, I want the pain to stop. I have had enough of living my life and in my head, I have had enough of the memories, the anger, the pain, the resentment and everything else. To the point that if I were diagnosed with cancer there would be no chemo, just kill the pain and let me go. I served in the army actually hoping I could be killed on duty, at least my pain would stop but people would be proud of me. I think about death every day, I think about suicide frequently (more than weekly) and assess my reasons for and against.

Will I suicide? I don't think so as I do not want to do that to my family, I do not want to make them suffer. Instead I suffer in silence and manage things the way I always have. Sometimes this works for me and sometimes I have really rotten days but I have no choice but to keep going until one day I am released from the pain.

[Smoke Pursuit]

Originally Posted by geckoGT

I am 42 now and when I think back I have been living with depression and PTSD (diagnosed) for at least 34 years. I often envy to people that have depression due to a chemical imbalance in the brain that is manageable by medications. That is not to say I think they have it easy because they don't, depression sucks no matter what the cause is.

My problem is not a chemical one, it is a problem of someone having so many things happen to them in their life, how I do manage with all that? The brief overview is this.

Never met my father, I was told he was dead for the first 8 years of my life, then I find out he was a criminal, then that he escaped Fremantle prison, then that my name was changed so that he could not find Mum and I because he wanted to kill us. That took me over 20 years to find out and I still have not met him.

I was separated from my mother from ages 2-5 for reasons I still do not really know, I lived with my grandparents. I think it may have been something to do with my father.

Living with my mother through primary school I went to 9 different schools in 7 years.

When I was 7 my mother met the man she married, life was about to get better as I finally had what everyone else had, a dad. That turned sour, he was strict and then he turned abusive. I used to get whipped with thin plastic rods across the underside of the toes until they bled if I did not clean my room. I lived in constant fear of him. This torture went on for 4 years, my schooling suffered more (not helped but he constant school changes) and I was wetting the bed nearly every night. My step father was also strange in that he would not let me wear PJ's whenever we were on trips away and in hotels, I was only allowed to wear my undies. I wish I knew at the time that was a sign of things to come.

Within 2 years my step father started with the sexual abuse. It would always happen when mum was working late and he would get drunk. I am not going to go into too much detail as it will make people want to vomit, just remember that he also had a violent streak too. Luckily mum was suspicious after a few years and asked me what was going on, she managed to get it out of me why she saw him leaving my room naked. We left that day and never went back.

So then I was constantly having night mares, suffering insomnia, wetting the bed again (at 13), feeling a constant fear that I can not describe and self harming. The fear was the same feeling that I would get every time I was being abused, I was feeling that every day. The self harm was slashing myself with razor blades on my legs and upper arms, not a suicide attempt. Mum worked out I was wetting the bed, had me checked for diabetes and that was all. I was not allowed to talk to the police about the abuse, no counselling either. The reason was we don't talk about these things, we just have to move on.

This post is going on too long but there are a heap of other significant negative occurrences in my life. They come from my high school years, life in the Army and particularly occurrences on deployment overseas. Also more recently the variety of reasons paramedics have enormous stress levels. Additionally I ended up involved in a relationship with someone that was not working well at all, in fact it almost cost me my relationship with my daughter. This was a relationship that at times was nothing short of abusive (mostly emotionally) and I am so glad to be out of it.

I have been on anti depressants before and the doses were massive trying to get me sorted. They did not really work, sure they would numb things down a bit but I still do not believe they made a real difference and the side effects were awful.

So what has kept me going? My cycling was the first, the self mutilation stopped when the cycling started. Really the cycling became my healthier and more socially acceptable means to punish myself. The next thing was the Army, distraction is a good management for me and the army provided lots of that. Also a very good way to let that aggression and anger out. I had an occasion on a bayonet assault course where I really flipped out, my SLR rifle ended up in about 7 pieces. The instructor (a Vietnam vet) loved it, said it even made him feel scared watching the ferocity I attacked those targets with. The last thing is my family, I do not want to hurt them.

That brings me onto the main reason for this post, the subject of depression and suicide. I have felt that death for me would be an end to the pain since I was about 8 or 9 but increasing through my life. To this day I want to die, I want the pain to stop. I have had enough of living my life and in my head, I have had enough of the memories, the anger, the pain, the resentment and everything else. To the point that if I were diagnosed with cancer there would be no chemo, just kill the pain and let me go. I served in the army actually hoping I could be killed on duty, at least my pain would stop but people would be proud of me. I think about death every day, I think about suicide frequently (more than weekly) and assess my reasons for and against.

Will I suicide? I don't think so as I do not want to do that to my family, I do not want to make them suffer. Instead I suffer in silence and manage things the way I always have. Sometimes this works for me and sometimes I have really rotten days but I have no choice but to keep going until one day I am released from the pain.

This post is very touching. I am sure most of us can relate to the suicide thing, its not something that we would want to do but its hard to switch off. People just do not understand what its all about, they think these things can be fixed or gotten over, but unfortunately they can't. I hope you can find peace one day mate.

[geckoGT]

It may sound strange but I have.

Peace is not feeling good, not being happy. Peace is finding a way to deal with your demons and accepting your life. I am never going to be as happy as I probably could have had all this stuff not happened. I just survive it the best I can.

I think the suicide thoughts have actually evolved to being a coping mechanism now. It is strangely comforting that if it gets really bad I can opt out, more comforting that it is not bad enough for me to need that option right now.

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by geckoGT

It may sound strange but I have.

Peace is not feeling good, not being happy. Peace is finding a way to deal with your demons and accepting your life. I am never going to be as happy as I probably could have had all this stuff not happened. I just survive it the best I can.

I think the suicide thoughts have actually evolved to being a coping mechanism now. It is strangely comforting that if it gets really bad I can opt out, more comforting that it is not bad enough for me to need that option right now.

Gecko, when I started writing my post, and the few I deleted prior to it, I couldn't find the words to put it in.
What you have written above almost sums me up perfectly, although I was fortunate enough to avoid the sexual abuse, mine was physical and mental.
I used to be on the receiving end for anything and everything, and being told everyday I was useless just destroyed my confidence.

My life went down hill at conception. Both my parents were married and living with their spouses when they had an affair at work and produced me.
He wasn't ready to leave his wife and mum wouldn't have an abortion so despite knowing his wife was pregnant with another mans child, her husband let Mum stay.
The 'plan' was to adopt me out, but when I was born mum couldn't do it.
Her husband took us in and raised me for the first 5 years of my life alongside their own 3 kids.
He devoted his time to me and I loved him dearly.

When I was 5 a man in a big white car pulled up out the front one day when 'Dad' was at work.
This man and Mum started putting everything we owned in his car, they told me they were throwing out my toys.
That was how I met my real father.
We were whisked away to his farm never to return.
That night I accidently knocked over a clothes airer full of clothes doing what kids do and copped my first belting, it is a moment I will never forget, the ferociousness of the attack and my unsuspecting innocence to that form of parenting.
My Brother fled to QLD and one of my Sisters went off the rails and was killed in a car accident soon after at 15.
I never even got to say goodbye.

During the next 10 years there was so much turmoil around in my life, I had met my father, discovered I had 6 other half brothers and sisters and that they all held me openly responsible for the breakdown of their parents relationship. To this day I have never been accepted and am an outcast.
I feel sorry for my own kids as they basically have very little family around them.
Its hard to ask people to forgive when your very presence is a symbol of the worst period of their lives.
Their poor old Mum went to her grave a bitter resentful woman and its largely my fault.

I could go on for hours, but I feel it just sounds like a 'poor me' thing for those reading it.
I feel that one of the reasons why people remain silent on these things is because they believe anyone who wasn't there or hasn't experienced these things wouldn't understand.
That's how I feel anyway and why I struggle to submit to professional help.

'I've been contemplating suicide, but it really doesn't suit my style' a song line which sums up my attitude towards it, funny how song writers find the right words for that stuff.
To be honest I don't think I could actually go through with it.
Too gutless, broken spirit.

I wish I had a release, being out of work really makes it hard because all you have is time to think.
I smashed the job adds for months without luck which just compounded the problems.
Im getting a few days here and there with my old employer so that keeps me looking forward.
I try to fill my days with constructive stuff, housework, maintenance, spending time with my daughter.
I bought a kayak and when I can I just get out there and hammer it until im exhausted, that works but I don't get out as often as I need to so im looking at getting back on the bike and taking it out on the tracks.

The more I read the more I believe that we all have some underlying issues, its just that some people have developed valuable coping skills which smooth out the ups and downs.

Peace!

[BLUEYBA]

None of us here are thinking that its a "poor me" thing. It good to get these things out for a start. Hopefully it will help in someway to giving you some peace. It doesn't matter how many times you post. Maybe seeing a professional will help steer you though it. As much as I wanted the visits to the psychologist to stop I now see that these things take time and effort. Remember that the things that have got you to this situation were major negative experiences and unfortunatly there are no quick fixes. As much as we want there to be

[hawkgirl]

Bent 8, I also have stress-induced Diverticulitis. I am lucky to have a GP who understands & agrees with this - can I suggest that you always have a script for the relevant antibiotics on hand and start taking them as soon as you feel you have been stressed - since I started doing this I have cut my hospital visits from 4-5 a year to about 2.

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by BLUEYBA

None of us here are thinking that its a "poor me" thing. It good to get these things out for a start. Hopefully it will help in someway to giving you some peace. It doesn't matter how many times you post. Maybe seeing a professional will help steer you though it. As much as I wanted the visits to the psychologist to stop I now see that these things take time and effort. Remember that the things that have got you to this situation were major negative experiences and unfortunatly there are no quick fixes. As much as we want there to be

Thanks mate, I wasn't implying that you guys see it as poor me, that's just my reasoning for not opening up.
What you say about seeking help is spot on, only problem is I've felt like this for so long that the thought of being anyone else is just as daunting.
I justify being withdrawn by finding fault with the world around me.

That's why I said im not sure if I even want help anymore.
I've been there and had my problems confirmed for me, but I just figure that's the hand im dealt with so get on with it.

I have only once been medicated and that didn't end well, actually made me feel suicidal as I was like a zombie. It may be a case of trial and error in that respect, but I'd rather put up with the feelings than mask them and do irrational stuff.

I don't think there is a cure per se, more of a coping mechanism and that's what I focus on.
My biggest fear is passing on some of my traits to my kids.
Thankfully they are proving to be intelligent, well respected members of their School/Work/Sporting communities, which in todays society is an achievement in itself.

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by hawkgirl

Bent 8, I also have stress-induced Diverticulitis. I am lucky to have a GP who understands & agrees with this - can I suggest that you always have a script for the relevant antibiotics on hand and start taking them as soon as you feel you have been stressed - since I started doing this I have cut my hospital visits from 4-5 a year to about 2.

Wow, I didn't think anyone else believes what I suspected with regard to this disease.
Now I've just got to get my GP to listen..lol

Im fairly well on top of it now, I just don't let myself get that far before im on to it.
When I first get the acute pains coming on I know its time to remove myself from the situation and destress, seems to work in most instances.

[geckoGT]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

Gecko, when I started writing my post, and the few I deleted prior to it, I couldn't find the words to put it in.
What you have written above almost sums me up perfectly, although I was fortunate enough to avoid the sexual abuse, mine was physical and mental.
I used to be on the receiving end for anything and everything, and being told everyday I was useless just destroyed my confidence.

I still don't see that as fortunate, I went through the same physical and emotional abuse and going through life feeling worthless is so hard to do. Often you just think why bother getting out of bed, you are not worth it. It was that feeling of worthlessness that is one of the reasons for my self harm as a kid. It was not a cry for help because no one knew I was doing it. It was a way of punishing myself, getting the pain I deserved for being weak, worthless and pathetic which is the way I felt about myself (still do although not as much now).

My life went down hill at conception. Both my parents were married and living with their spouses when they had an affair at work and produced me.
He wasn't ready to leave his wife and mum wouldn't have an abortion so despite knowing his wife was pregnant with another mans child, her husband let Mum stay.
The 'plan' was to adopt me out, but when I was born mum couldn't do it.
Her husband took us in and raised me for the first 5 years of my life alongside their own 3 kids.
He devoted his time to me and I loved him dearly.

When I was 5 a man in a big white car pulled up out the front one day when 'Dad' was at work.
This man and Mum started putting everything we owned in his car, they told me they were throwing out my toys.
That was how I met my real father.
We were whisked away to his farm never to return.
That night I accidently knocked over a clothes airer full of clothes doing what kids do and copped my first belting, it is a moment I will never forget, the ferociousness of the attack and my unsuspecting innocence to that form of parenting.
My Brother fled to QLD and one of my Sisters went off the rails and was killed in a car accident soon after at 15.
I never even got to say goodbye.

That really sucks, uncanny how many similarities that we have. My sister (daughter of my abuser) is so much like her father it scares the **** out of me even now. I try hard to not let it affect our relationship as it is not her fault but it is so hard when she reminds me so much of him. As a result we seem close but it takes so much effort on my part it is exhausting.

I think my hardest lesson that I had to learn over time was who is at fault. I used to blame myself for being abused, blame myself for not having a father and not being normal. Then after about 20 years when my step father was tried and convicted of the sexual abuse someone finally asked me if I was ok. That was the detective that handled the case and he was the first person that ever asked me that question. The answer was no, I was a complete mess as the trial had bought back the nightmares and insomnia more than normal. The flashbacks had increased more than normal and some bed wetting had started again. I would have nightmares re living the abuse and wake up feeling like I was a kid again in a wet bed, I was nearly 30. I was put onto some counselling that was specialised to child sexual abuse and it helped. My first lesson was that I was not a freak, I was having normal reactions to abnormal experiences. The next big lesson is that it was not my fault, it was his and I was allowed to hate him for it, it is ok to be angry.

During the next 10 years there was so much turmoil around in my life, I had met my father, discovered I had 6 other half brothers and sisters and that they all held me openly responsible for the breakdown of their parents relationship. To this day I have never been accepted and am an outcast.
I feel sorry for my own kids as they basically have very little family around them.
Its hard to ask people to forgive when your very presence is a symbol of the worst period of their lives.
Their poor old Mum went to her grave a bitter resentful woman and its largely my fault.

Important thing here is it is not your fault, it was theirs. That does not mean you have to resent them or be angry with them for what happened (although I would expect some anger regarding the abuse), it just means you don't need to be angry with yourself. You are not at fault for their actions which resulted in your birth and life there after. The hard part of this concept is getting yourself to believe it.

I could go on for hours, but I feel it just sounds like a 'poor me' thing for those reading it.
I feel that one of the reasons why people remain silent on these things is because they believe anyone who wasn't there or hasn't experienced these things wouldn't understand.
That's how I feel anyway and why I struggle to submit to professional help.

I know, so hard to believe that anyone that has not walked in your shoes can even comprehend how it feels. Importantly someone can be helpful and empathetic without having the same experience. If they don't have a similar story and they tell me "I know how you feel", they are of no use. If they say something along the lines of "I imagine that would be hard" they are more realistic. It is hard for me at work because I have to listen to other peoples problems and be caring and empathetic when inside I am thinking how pathetic their problems are, they should try being me. Unfortunately I have to choke it back, smile and play the game. I do not know about you but I have become the master of playing the game. I can feel like shooting myself in the head because my world is so dark, but on the outside I seem normal and in control.

'I've been contemplating suicide, but it really doesn't suit my style' a song line which sums up my attitude towards it, funny how song writers find the right words for that stuff.
To be honest I don't think I could actually go through with it.
Too gutless, broken spirit.

Thanks, now I am trying to rack my brain on the name and artist of that song, I love that line because I really related to it as well. Perhaps your reason for not going through with it is not being gutless. Perhaps you have some strength and some good reasons not to.

My reason not to is my family, that is my only reason now. I do not want my daughter going through her life knowing that her dad killed himself. Or Tarn (my spouse now) living with that either, it would cause so much pain on the both of them. Both of them know my history and they see how it affects me. They don't really understand because they have not lived my life but they can see the pain. There is also my mother, she blames herself so much for what happened to me, how would she feel if it killed me?

I wish I had a release, being out of work really makes it hard because all you have is time to think.
I smashed the job adds for months without luck which just compounded the problems.
Im getting a few days here and there with my old employer so that keeps me looking forward.
I try to fill my days with constructive stuff, housework, maintenance, spending time with my daughter.
I bought a kayak and when I can I just get out there and hammer it until im exhausted, that works but I don't get out as often as I need to so im looking at getting back on the bike and taking it out on the tracks.

The more I read the more I believe that we all have some underlying issues, its just that some people have developed valuable coping skills which smooth out the ups and downs.

Based on my experience, get the bike. Cycling and the ability to go out and push myself to exhaustion does so much to clear my head. I got to a point that I needed it and I still do. I went through a rough patch recently and I think a lot of it is because I was not riding, I forgot how to cope and the downward spiral started. Sometimes if you can just fix one thing, it leads your to a better place that you can concentrate on other things. I hope that you getting out and doing something active, helps you with your head which improves your motivation which leads to some work coming your way.

Stay a survivor and not a victim.

[TheSneakiness]

Originally Posted by geckoGT

Stay a survivor and not a victim.

Quoted for truth. My depressive episodes seem relatively minor to you guys but these 7 words ring true to me as well.

[geckoGT]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

Wow, I didn't think anyone else believes what I suspected with regard to this disease.
Now I've just got to get my GP to listen..lol

Im fairly well on top of it now, I just don't let myself get that far before im on to it.
When I first get the acute pains coming on I know its time to remove myself from the situation and destress, seems to work in most instances.

Change GP then, it is pretty well known that stress can cause physical symptoms including gastro intestinal issues.

I have had a heart problem since I was about 35, I frequently go into prolonged runs of bigeminy (sometimes runs of VT) that last hours. This is a heart abnormality that can progress to VT (ventricular tachycardia) and cardiac arrest. I used to tell my GP it was stress induced but he did not agree. He was convinced it was because of drinking coffee. My cardiologist disagreed and agrees with me that stress will bring it on. Every time I get really stressed I can feel my chest pounding away and the bigeminy kicks in. The sad thing is it does not take much stress now, I think I have worn out my body's tolerance for stress.

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by geckoGT

I still don't see that as fortunate, I went through the same physical and emotional abuse and going through life feeling worthless is so hard to do. Often you just think why bother getting out of bed, you are not worth it. It was that feeling of worthlessness that is one of the reasons for my self harm as a kid. It was not a cry for help because no one knew I was doing it. It was a way of punishing myself, getting the pain I deserved for being weak, worthless and pathetic which is the way I felt about myself (still do although not as much now).

Yes, you are spot on. I guess when you read someone else's story and you see how different things have effected them its almost like a natural reaction to lessen your own issue and elevate theirs out of compassion.
Putting others first, something im sure many silence sufferers negotiate every day.

Originally Posted by geckoGT

I think my hardest lesson that I had to learn over time was who is at fault. I used to blame myself for being abused, blame myself for not having a father and not being normal. Then after about 20 years when my step father was tried and convicted of the sexual abuse someone finally asked me if I was ok. That was the detective that handled the case and he was the first person that ever asked me that question. The answer was no, I was a complete mess as the trial had bought back the nightmares and insomnia more than normal. The flashbacks had increased more than normal and some bed wetting had started again. I would have nightmares re living the abuse and wake up feeling like I was a kid again in a wet bed, I was nearly 30. I was put onto some counselling that was specialised to child sexual abuse and it helped. My first lesson was that I was not a freak, I was having normal reactions to abnormal experiences. The next big lesson is that it was not my fault, it was his and I was allowed to hate him for it, it is ok to be angry.

When I was younger I often felt like pressing charges, two things stopped me, admitting what had happened to me and a belief that no one would listen anyway.
I think that is one of the reasons I cant let go, no one has ever taken responsibility for what happened, so I do.

Originally Posted by geckoGT

Important thing here is it is not your fault, it was theirs. That does not mean you have to resent them or be angry with them for what happened (although I would expect some anger regarding the abuse), it just means you don't need to be angry with yourself. You are not at fault for their actions which resulted in your birth and life there after. The hard part of this concept is getting yourself to believe it.

I actually had a conversation with one of my half sisters once, she referred to my Mother as a Slut who wrecked her life. I reminded her that it took two to tango but she wasn't hearing that, it was all my Mothers fault and by default mine.

Originally Posted by geckoGT

I know, so hard to believe that anyone that has not walked in your shoes can even comprehend how it feels. Importantly someone can be helpful and empathetic without having the same experience. If they don't have a similar story and they tell me "I know how you feel", they are of no use. If they say something along the lines of "I imagine that would be hard" they are more realistic. It is hard for me at work because I have to listen to other peoples problems and be caring and empathetic when inside I am thinking how pathetic their problems are, they should try being me. Unfortunately I have to choke it back, smile and play the game. I do not know about you but I have become the master of playing the game. I can feel like shooting myself in the head because my world is so dark, but on the outside I seem normal and in control.

I've followed your posts over the years with regards to your occupation. To now see what you deal with personally in addition to that is truly the work of a wonderful human, the world is a much better place with you in it.

Originally Posted by geckoGT

Thanks, now I am trying to rack my brain on the name and artist of that song, I love that line because I really related to it as well. Perhaps your reason for not going through with it is not being gutless. Perhaps you have some strength and some good reasons not to.

Screaming Jets, Shivers.

Originally Posted by geckoGT

My reason not to is my family, that is my only reason now. I do not want my daughter going through her life knowing that her dad killed himself. Or Tarn (my spouse now) living with that either, it would cause so much pain on the both of them. Both of them know my history and they see how it affects me. They don't really understand because they have not lived my life but they can see the pain. There is also my mother, she blames herself so much for what happened to me, how would she feel if it killed me?

I have never approached the subject with Mum, it's something she needs to leave behind.

Originally Posted by geckoGT

Based on my experience, get the bike. Cycling and the ability to go out and push myself to exhaustion does so much to clear my head. I got to a point that I needed it and I still do. I went through a rough patch recently and I think a lot of it is because I was not riding, I forgot how to cope and the downward spiral started. Sometimes if you can just fix one thing, it leads your to a better place that you can concentrate on other things. I hope that you getting out and doing something active, helps you with your head which improves your motivation which leads to some work coming your way.

Stay a survivor and not a victim.

Cheers.

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by geckoGT

Change GP then, it is pretty well known that stress can cause physical symptoms including gastro intestinal issues.

I have had a heart problem since I was about 35, I frequently go into prolonged runs of bigeminy (sometimes runs of VT) that last hours. This is a heart abnormality that can progress to VT (ventricular tachycardia) and cardiac arrest. I used to tell my GP it was stress induced but he did not agree. He was convinced it was because of drinking coffee. My cardiologist disagreed and agrees with me that stress will bring it on. Every time I get really stressed I can feel my chest pounding away and the bigeminy kicks in. The sad thing is it does not take much stress now, I think I have worn out my body's tolerance for stress.

I think we may be twins.

I have suffered from it for years, although I never knew its name until I just googled bigenimy.
Its a weird sensation, when I first noticed it I thought my heart was stopping all the time, then my specialist said it was actually 2 beats together and a pause.
I get it real bad when I get stressed, and when im confronted with a fight or flight situation my heart pounds so hard I simply freeze.
It can take half an hour to regulate again.

[Crazy Dazz]

Originally Posted by geckoGT

That brings me onto the main reason for this post, the subject of depression and suicide. I have felt that death for me would be an end to the pain since I was about 8 or 9 but increasing through my life. To this day I want to die, I want the pain to stop. I have had enough of living my life and in my head, I have had enough of the memories, the anger, the pain, the resentment and everything else. To the point that if I were diagnosed with cancer there would be no chemo, just kill the pain and let me go. I served in the army actually hoping I could be killed on duty, at least my pain would stop but people would be proud of me. I think about death every day, I think about suicide frequently (more than weekly) and assess my reasons for and against.

Will I suicide? I don't think so as I do not want to do that to my family, I do not want to make them suffer. Instead I suffer in silence and manage things the way I always have. Sometimes this works for me and sometimes I have really rotten days but I have no choice but to keep going until one day I am released from the pain.

My kids keep me alive.
Staying alive because death would hurt them isn't exactly "living" but at least I am still breathing.

Strangely, EMBRACING suicide has been one of the most liberating things for me. I have accepted that at some point in the future, there will be no further point to my life, and I will ride off into the sunset. The good thing is that I know that point is a good ways off, so until then I will put up with the pain.

There's obviously a "link" between brain-chemicals and how we feel, but its almost impossible to diagnose. I take drugs that boost Serotonin levels (SSRI's) and that helps me cope with the depression, but it doesn't eliminate it.

I was sexually abused as a child. There's no doubt that screwed me up, then some fairly major upheavals in my life (that I was unable to cope with) left me mentally bruised. It certainly doesn't help that for 25+ years I have been married to an abusive psychotic *****.

To top it off, life just keeps delivering *****-slaps. The problem is that I'm basically a good bloke and bendover backwards to help people, then get kicked in the balls for my trouble.

[castellan]

I am not one to say I understand mental illness really much at all.
But I know of a few people who do have problems.

A mate of mine had 2 kidney trans plants and on di al, his brother said he became a different person and then turned on him and all the people who loved him and I agree it was as so.
His brother was talking to a doctor about this and the doc said many with transplants do as such and it's got to do with the drugs they have to take over the years.

My mate that I have known all his life and he called me his best friend all his life, I know he did the wrong thing by his little brother and the thing is he never wanted to seen him again because little bro did not want to tow the big brothers line with selling the family home after there mother hung her self.

What could I do about his hatred, nothing. but some weeks before he died he asked me if he should seek help for his mental wellbeing, I said yes why not.
He was great after going doing it, all the stupid hatred went away and I could not believe it and it was great but it came back due to a evil person fanning the flames of hatred in him again and he liked others to be behind him with his hatred as this evil monster did, who was his power of attorney, it was just so sickening to see this poor creep love the power he had and when my mate died I have never seen such a low handed filthy display in my life.
He did not let my mates ex wife or her kid come at all to the funeral at all and did not want his brother to come as well.

Then the evil sod ran for the hills as soon as the funeral was over, he did not want to hang about. he did not have the guts to and the creep has left a lot of pain for others and just could not give a toss at all about anyone.

I asked what about my mates brother, he said that he could go jump off a cliff for all he was concerned and he does not even know him.

Just lovely people like that, no wonder people end up with mental problems and more and more problems.

[Syndrome]

From personal experience I'd rather have a physical than a mental ailment any day. But there is hope as I am much better than I was several years ago. So NEVER give up.

[geckoGT]

Originally Posted by Crazy Dazz

My kids keep me alive.
Staying alive because death would hurt them isn't exactly "living" but at least I am still breathing.

Strangely, EMBRACING suicide has been one of the most liberating things for me. I have accepted that at some point in the future, there will be no further point to my life, and I will ride off into the sunset. The good thing is that I know that point is a good ways off, so until then I will put up with the pain.

I know that feeling, it is the same for me. It's like I am not terrified by the prospect and nor do I feel strange to have those thoughts. Now it is just one of the things I live with and sometimes it almost seems like a daily check, "nope I don't need that today so things are manageable".

[martyal44]

I appreciate these posts and just have a good day, our families are so important and so is our perspective. There is a lot of help out there and not always easy to find.