Little joke to brighten your day :)

[bindi]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and many others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny...he just said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.....and left it there all night.

[LTDHO]

Bindi - good one.

[Charliewool]

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive
blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.
"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.
"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.
"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my
children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.
The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking
woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children."
Then he began to worry.
He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a
child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same
height.
On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran
over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at
a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We sh*gged on the billiards table
in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I
didn't get your telephone number."
The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's
English teacher

[Charliewool]

An old cowboy sat ddown at the bar and ordered a drink.As he sat sipping his drink, a yong woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy? "

He replied " Well I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy".

She said"I'm a lesbian.I spend my whole day thinking about women.As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.when I shower, I think about women"

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, " Are you a real cowboy? "

He replied, "i always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian"!!

[Shonky]

Bwahahaha! Classic!

LMAO!

[Charliewool]

A Police Joke:
A policeman was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny new bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike" the cop said."Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes", the little girl said," he sure did! "
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The Policeman said,"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it"
The young girl looked up at the Cop and said,"Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said," Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse,not on top"!!

[bindi]

lmao, specially at the cop one

[Heeno]

lmao oh some quality jokes there, i'd tell you all some but mine are just to filthy for this site...comes from growing up listening to rodney rude and kevin bloody wilson.

[Charliewool]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the
Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a
little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way
for the locals so much, that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th
drink for you." "Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion,
the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the
Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the
Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself,
personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

Originally Posted by charliewool

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the
Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a
little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way
for the locals so much, that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th
drink for you." "Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion,
the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the
Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the
Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself,
personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

LOL thats a good one

what a great ten or fifteen minutes I just had reading the funnies, thanks everyone, it's put a smile on the dial :1syellow1

[outback_ute]

WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED!

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the pit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.

[bindi]

Heard some of these before, but gee they make me laugh!

Most embarrassing stories:
4th Place.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

3rd Place.
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles,cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties

2nd Place.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize".

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"


1st Place.
And the winner is . . . This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned.

However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

[bindi]

Probably a repost, but I still like it

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' ****ed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick the bartender phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[PULLY6]

Originally Posted by bindi

"Mick the bartender phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Classic!

[Peuty]

Hahahahah they are all excellent!

[megsy]

see below

[FordGirl]

Link not found? :(

[Shonky]

Try again Megsy...

[TZENU]

: @ bindi and charliewool .... good stuff

[megsy]

AFF censorship is causing me problems so ive also hosted the file myself and reoved the inapproprate word. not that its inapproprate to this application as you will see.

http://users.tpg.com.au/sjhicks/beer.wmv

[Sagerian]

Aww bummer, unfortunatly I've seen that ad before.

Still it's bloody great.

[Charliewool]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and Now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his Best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very Nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned From the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three Friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's My son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."