Guaranteed to offend - what your pet says about you.

shedcoupe · 08-05-2011, 04:30 PM

In tribute to the great Sourbastard, I have drooled this pool of drivel -

WARNING - NOT TO BE READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

You have been fairly warned.

Whatfollowsisrubbishandmustbetakenseriously. Normalchargeswillbepreferred.

Mental illness, pets, and you.

There’s some strong associations between pets and owners – let’s examine how your pet defines you, and what can be done about it.
You will certainly be highly offended, so stop reading now.

Dogs -

Poodles –

Psychological requirements :

A definite sense of unjustified self-importance and superiority.
Or you are just French.

Symptoms :

You have a strong sense of fashion and think that a poodle sets off your ‘look’.
Your outfit makes you look like a turkey, so a poodle doesn’t help.

Treatment :

Will happen spontaneously.
All dogs (even poodles) hate poodles, so yours will be savaged very soon.

Prognosis :

You are arrogant and will get another poodle anyway.

Shi tzus –

Psychological requirements :

The ability to ignore withering looks of disgust.
Fierce enjoyment of continual shrill yapping.

Symptoms :

Carrying tissues to wipe the mess dripping from the dog’s eyes and elsewhere.

Treatment :

Supply a stuffed dog about the same size, with a large selection of real turds to scatter about for reassurance.

Prognosis :

Shi Tzu owners will miss the sound of these dogs’ distress and anxiety, and will become addicted to extremely strong purgatives so they can make their own similar sounds.

Great Danes - Male – (there’s no female great danes it seems)

Psychological requirements :

You must feel ugly and have a need for large things in your life.

Symptoms :

Owners walk proudly with their dog pretending that people aren’t thinking the obvious.

Treatment :

Encourage the acquisition of a boyfriend.

Prognosis :

Boyfriend will certainly disappoint, so will buy adult toys in increasing sizes.

Rottweilers -

Psychological requirements :

A fear of being involved in violent acts unless the violence is occurring to others.

Symptoms :

Slow lurching gait brought about by long work hours required to keep dog in food and studded leather.

Treatment :

Buy a handgun instead.

Prognosis :

May gain enough confidence to downsize and get a staffy (see below).

Pit bulls -

Psychological requirements :

Enjoys warm feelings towards all humanity except those who don’t like you.
Suspicious that everyone doesn’t like you (you’re correct).

Symptoms :

Displays ability to deny any and all wrongdoing by dog, and turns white with rage if the word ‘ranger’ is mentioned.
Always able to insist that it’s a staffy instead.

Treatment :
Show images of toddlers without faces.
Won’t make a scrap of difference.

Prognosis :

Will inevitably break into rangers pound, and do time instead of revealing whereabouts of dog.

Heelers red and / or blue -

Psychological requirements :

Extreme patriotism required for ownership.
Must strongly desire numerous tattoos of dog’s face.

Symptoms :

Ripped and torn clothing, boots, and heels.
Continual hand-washing due to wiping saliva from anything retrievable.

Treatment :

none possible – see below.

Prognosis :

Will not accept reality and will have to pay for much property damage.

Staffies -

Psychological requirements :

Easy-going, but fond of rugby and other legal forms of assault.
A strong need to be constantly vigilant, due to the staffy’s lust for wickedness.

Symptoms :

Ceaseless cries of ‘he’s not a pit bull’

Treatment :

Record the dog on video, and take to the pound.

Prognosis :

Will inevitably get another one.

Border collies -

Psychological requirements :

Intelligence, combined with madness.
A desire to be outsmarted by an animal.
A need for a blonde rival.

Symptoms :

Anxiety due an awareness of being less intelligent than a collie.

Treatment :
Shock treatment for the dog, or owner. Whichever is cheaper.

Prognosis :

Dog will recover, owner will not.

Labradors / golden retrievers -

Psychological requirements :

A lust for constant attention, and a focus on tv cooking shows.
Eagerness to observe the dog drooling beside the dinner table.

Symptoms :

Never-ending purchases of new vacuum cleaners as the old ones can’t cope with all the hair being shed.

Treatment :

Buy vinyl flooring and shave the dog daily

Prognosis :

Not good. This sort of dog-owning habit is canine heroin.

Cats -

Siamese -

Psychological requirements :

Intense hatred of Burmese cats due to insane jealousy.

Symptoms :

Telling anyone who will still listen about how smart Siamese cats really are. No-one will listen.

Treatment :
Borrow a Rottweiler.

Prognosis :

Will get a Burmese next.

Persians -

Psychological requirements :

Morbid fascination with grooming.

Symptoms :

Deafness from vacuum cleaner noise.

Treatment :

Rottweiler.

Prognosis :

Will swear off high maintenance cats, get a tabby, and be disappointed.

Tabbies -

Psychological requirements :

A great need to be ignored.

Symptoms :

Hollow-eyed gazing at an empty cat-basket.

Treatment :
Get a fish – will be more responsive.

Prognosis :

If tabby ‘owner’ persists with tabby, tabby will own ‘owner’.

Fish -

Native species -

Psychological requirements :

An alternative outlook on life and a horror of carp.

Symptoms :

Hairy. Very hairy. Male owners will be similar.

Treatment :

Must read ‘The fish-keepers guide to the galaxids’.

Prognosis :

Will attempt to feed native fish to a koala and be saddened by the resulting indifference.

Goldfish a.k.a. carp -

Psychological requirements :

Fascination with gold, and an urge to release fish into rivers.

Symptoms :

Constant mysterious infections from cleaning filthy tanks.

Treatment :

Tanks – bleach. Carp-fanciers – no known cure.

Prognosis :

Will get bored easily and add rum and amphetamines to the tank to produce Siamese fighting fish.

Neons -

Psychological requirements :

Dependence on pot and obsession with ‘the bong room’.

Symptoms :

Will soon discover that many fish-tank corals fluoresce under UV light, and will create a ‘fish and bong room’ to allow hours of gentle mid-wandering in the purple darkness.

Treatment :

Switch on harsh lighting, but less than 2 kilowatts of mercury- or sodium-vapour lighting, or further problems will result.

Prognosis :

Will grow out of it and start getting into Koi.

Koi -

Psychological requirements :

Feelings of piscine inadequacy leading to a need for a big mother-* fish.

Symptoms :

Large ponds and empty wallets.

Treatment :

Drought, high water bills, or Roundup.
Cormorants and water-rats may assist too.

Prognosis :

Will turn old ponds in to reptile pits.

Alpacas -

Psychological requirements :

Deep regret at failure of IV treatment.
Enormous love of big eyes and long eyelashes.
Great tolerance of spitting.

Symptoms :

Rabid defence of demanding and expensive-to-keep animals.
Deluded raves that insist picnics with alpacas carrying the baskets will be a profitable venture.

Treatment :

Shotgun, or rifle. Alpacas to be taken to the vet for suitable action.

Prognosis :

Owners are too stupid to suffer much from head wounds.
Will go on a camel trek somewhere and may well return.

Reptiles -

Snakes -

Psychological requirements :

Strange brooding ways though otherwise of normal behaviour and appearance.
Illusions of bikie-club membership.

Symptoms :

Peculiar odours from all the vermin that must be bred to feed the snakes.
Excited demeanour when feeding time is less than a few days away.

Treatment :

Rubber snakes are the only possible pathway here.

Prognosis :

Will move on to the development of crocodile farming.

Lizards -

Psychological requirements :

Has never grown out of a childhood obsession with dinosaurs.

Symptoms :

Sitting motionless for hours soaking up the sun and flicking tongue around occasionally.
Snapping at flies in the terminal stage.

Treatment :

Lower the temperature of the lizard room so that the keeper also hibernates.

Prognosis :

Will break into a crocodile farm once the temperature rises again, with spectacular, unrepeatable results.

Birds -

Budgies -

Psychological requirements :

A desire to collect – a pair of every possible colour must be found.
This is not an option.

Symptoms :

Whirling clouds of budgies whirling around inside a very small cage – they will go mad very quickly.
Owner will whirl around in a similar fashion, with a similar result.

Treatment :

Leave cage door open and listen to the kookaburras laugh hysterically.

Prognosis :

Once addicted to budgies, there is no cure apart from canaries, finches, chooks, ducks, pigeons, ……..

Pigeons -

Psychological requirements :

Intensely competitive, with an urge to breathe pigeon-poo and feather-dust in industrial quantities.
Will justify ownership by saying that pigeon-dung is great for the garden, which it is.

Symptoms :

A very neglected garden with enormous piles of unused poo everywhere.

Treatment :

Carefully slide pigeon-roasting recipes under the nose of the pigeon-obsessed, while suggesting that their birds cannot be beaten in any race.
Make notes of the resultant brain haemorrhage. Video is better.

Prognosis :

If able to kick a pigeon habit, then the next logical step is one on the path to the greyhound track.

Parrots -

Psychological requirements :

Sadistic pleasure at the close confinement of living things.
May have fantasies about galahs robbing banks and doing time.

Symptoms :

Deep scars on wrists, and a vast knowledge of mouse-catching techniques due to the sheer volume of badly-stored parrot food.

Treatment :

Release the birds, and imprison the parrot-fancier.

Prognosis :

Will not see reason – a hopeless situation. May pull out hair if pestered.

Rats and mice -

Psychological requirements :

A need to shock and disgust, and to be viewed as ‘original’.

Symptoms :

A peculiar odour of mousy or ratty urine.

Treatment :

Ratsak is no good – Talon wax blocks are the go. But make sure the vermin-fancier’s nose doesn’t twitch with excitement when the blocks come out of the packet – restrain if any doubt exists.

Prognosis :

Ratty vermin is legal and easily-obtained.
A dangerous habit and not easily stamped out.
Watch for any hint of cane-toad fondling.