Marriage - Bliss or Prison?

[guzzis3]

Originally Posted by Franco Cozzo

Anyway where did you all meet your current or former partners? That has to be a happier turn to this thread.

My last one was at work, late 90's.

[asagaai]

Originally Posted by FoxtrotGolfXray 5.0

…..My biggest regret is that I wasn't there for my wife when she needed me the most. Not that it was ever intentional, I just was too insulated to be able to see the signs. And, on some things, she felt she couldn't share them with me. I haven't had the chance to tell her that, but would really love to do that some day. Not to make me feel better, but just so that she knows that I'm sorry for every time I wasn't there for her and the hurt I caused as a result. That, to me, is the sign of love; even in our failed marriage I still don't want to hurt her.

Thank you for your post - one of true value and reflection on life.

In a marriage we all have fights and in the red mist want to lash out and hurt the other in that moment. But when the dust has settled and in the following calm, even if there are still "issues"- if you still fundamentally do not want to hurt your partner and viscerally rip them apart I agree it means there is still love there.

And I totally agree that life and living is too precious not to take the risk of giving a union a go through fear of failure.

And I met my wife via an introduction through a mate. And I am still with my wife, and still catch up for bicycle rides with my mate.

[PG2]

Originally Posted by Franco Cozzo

...

Anyway where did you all meet your current or former partners? That has to be a happier turn to this thread.

...

Gee I hope my wife does not read this...


I read this question the other day Franco and have been thinking about it since then, but guess what?

I CAN'T DAMN REMEMBER!!!

To be fair, I knew my wife a long time before we 'hooked up'. I went to school at the same time as my wife, I repeated year 12 and went back to her year. We weren't school sweethearts though.

I think we ran into each other when we both left school somewhere. We became pretty good friends for about 12 months. She had a boyfriend and during those 12 months I met another girl and we moved in with each other.

We then again went our own separate ways for another 12 months and then ran into each other again somewhere after our other relationships had ended.

For the first 24 years of our marriage the wife always reminds me of the anniversary of our first kiss. This year will be different though, I'm sure to remember, I bought an AU wagon last year and its rego is due on the same date!

[Charliewool]

Originally Posted by PG2

Gee I hope my wife does not read this...


I read this question the other day Franco and have been thinking about it since then, but guess what?

I CAN'T DAMN REMEMBER!!!

To be fair, I knew my wife a long time before we 'hooked up'. I went to school at the same time as my wife, I repeated year 12 and went back to her year. We weren't school sweethearts though.

I think we ran into each other when we both left school somewhere. We became pretty good friends for about 12 months. She had a boyfriend and during those 12 months I met another girl and we moved in with each other.

We then again went our own separate ways for another 12 months and then ran into each other again somewhere after our other relationships had ended.

For the first 24 years of our marriage the wife always reminds me of the anniversary of our first kiss. This year will be different though, I'm sure to remember, I bought an AU wagon last year and its rego is due on the same date!

Lovely post, my heart was all a flutter (til you mentioned AU!)

[Polyal]

We met at uni, I was chasing a chick, we got drunk and that was it. 4 kids and 18 years (crap!, 12 married) we are still happy.

IMO you need to make sure you dont get in a rut, go out and do things together. We have moved around alot so we are what I guess you would say are friends as such because we dont stay to long to establish ourselves in towns. This will change soon as we look to settle somewhere. No idea where that will be though.

[Mulva]

Worked for same employer as my now wife for 2 years but we were in different departments (her in Finance and me in Sales). We knew of each other but had never really spoken before I properly met her when I was on the 19th pub of a 24 pub pub-crawl (The Earl of Aberdeen).

She had been on a dinner and movie night with the Finance girls but ditched them to join our crawl as we left The Earl for The German Club. The pub crawl was an annual thing on the last Friday before Christmas - it was for some Korf-ball team one of the Sales guys played in - crawl was about 70-strong and I doubt 50 of them even knew about the Korf-ball team. Following 5 years we'd do the crawl together to celebrate our anniversary of meeting.

Met December of 97, married 2004, still together today with 2 girls (13 and 10)

[blueoval]

Having things in common other than family commitments is essential to keeping the relationship healthy.

It doesn't have to be hobby based either. Just going for walks, exercising, restaurants, movies etc can be a good way to spend some time.

[Polyal]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Having things in common other than family commitments is essential to keeping the relationship healthy.

It doesn't have to be hobby based either. Just going for walks, exercising, restaurants, movies etc can be a good way to spend some time.

Agreed, I have very little in common with my wife, some times even to do with ethics, social topics etc. Makes spending money on cars hard too...seems to work somehow.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by Polyal

Agreed, I have very little in common with my wife, some times even to do with ethics, social topics etc. Makes spending money on cars hard too...seems to work somehow.

Thats interesting. Seems as though you two are polar opposites but are able to make it an amicable relationship.

I know with my mrs, we have music, humor, ethics, religion and food as major common interests. It doesnt mean we see eye to eye on everything but it helps to have somethings in common we can agree on.

[zilo]

Originally Posted by Polyal

We met at uni, I was chasing a chick, we got drunk and that was it. 4 kids and 18 years (crap!, 12 married) we are still happy.

.

Last century we did drugs as well.

that's why there are less kids in the equation, kids are expensive.

[DJR-351]

One thing i haven't seen mentioned is the fact that some people are just not built for marriage, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them, not at all, it just means it's not for them.....

The trick though is knowing this yourself and not submitting to the pressures of society, family or friends to get married just because everyone else is, trying to conform with others expectations or beliefs is always going to end in disaster if the head and heart are not 100% committed, it's just not fair on your partner and it's certainly not fair on yourself.....

2c worth from a lifelong and committed bachelor.....

[Mulva]

It was a 50/50 as to whether I would ever marry.

My mother has Huntingtons disease, something that usually hits people in their 40s and leads to progressive degeneration of nerves in brain and early death. Absolute ****ful **** of a disease, so incredibly sad to see what it did to mum and is doing to my two eldest sisters and older brother.

Mum was already impaired by Huntingtons when I met my now wife at end of 1997, but she really started to go down hill around then. I rented a place that had a granny flat under main roof and we cared for mum as best we could for 5 years until her needs exceeded the care we could give her and she had to go into a home.

Around that time things were getting pretty serious with myself and now wife and she was keen to get engaged. Being a genetic disorder, it was 50/50 chance that I would also suffer from Huntingtons - if I got that specific gene from dad then I would be fine and could never pass it down to kids; but if I got that specific gene from mum then I was ****ed and would then have a 50/50 of passing it on to any kids I might have.

Having been through those years caring for mum there was no way I was going to subject my wife to that (having to care for me while I progressively deteriorated with no cure), so I made the decision to get tested. I'd been putting it off as long as I could as I really did not want to know - but the time had come.

If the test showed I did not have the Huntington's gene then I would get engaged and married, build a house, and have kids. Things I did actually want to do but only if I was free of Huntington's. Thankfully this is what happened.

If the test showed I was going to develop Huntington's then I was going to break-up with my wife (then girlfriend) for her own sake, and would never marry or have kids. Plan was to build a Toyota Coaster bus into a camper, travel Australia being an absolute ****-drinking drug-fueled root-rat, then make sure I died of excess or misadventure before symptoms took too much of a hold on me.

Obviously very happy with the way things panned out for me. I am the 4th of 5 kids and was first to get tested. I got the good result. Eldest child (sister) got tested next and got bad news. Brother (3rd eldest) got tested and also got bad news and is on a self-destructive path. We had second eldest (sister) tested when symptoms started to show and it confirmed what was already assumed (she already had an acquired brain injury from motor vehicle accident in the 90s - her decline was very rapid and we had to put in her a home before her 50th). Youngest (another sister) has not been tested to my knowledge - we don't discuss it, but she is now 44 so will soon start having symptoms (if not already) if she also got dealt a bad hand.

Things are kind of difficult with my eldest sister and brother now.

[MercuryT]

As a poster rightly said earlier, it is really important to consider that people can change, which automatically makes the relationship change.

The person you married may not be the person they are later (and vice versa)

I have no doubt that contributes to many divorces as my Ex is nothing like the person I married. I'm a different person in many ways too I'm sure my Ex would say.

Some people change for the better, some change for the worse. No doubt this is exaggerated if marry young like we did with lots of maturing and life experience still to come.

[ford71V8]

Geez Mulva, that put a few things into perspective after a crappy day.
All the best for your future, Sorry that you and your family have had to go through all that.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by MercuryT

As a poster rightly said earlier, it is really important to consider that people can change, which automatically makes the relationship change.

The person you married may not be the person they are later (and vice versa)

I have no doubt that contributes to many divorces as my Ex is nothing like the person I married. I'm a different person in many ways too I'm sure my Ex would say.

Some people change for the better, some change for the worse. No doubt this is exaggerated if marry young like we did with lots of maturing and life experience still to come.

You are right in this assessment. It's rare that the person you marry at a young age is the same a lot later on. The thing is, are you adaptable and what were your expectations? (rhetorical question)

I married very young. I was 22, she was 20 and we wanted to be together despite family resistance. But we grew together and made decisions together. Im not the younger dude I once was. Physically I am no where near what I was 20yrs ago due to health issues. She has changed and matured a lot too. Her tastes have changed, outlook on life has changed, expectations on certain things have changed and to some degree this has altered her attitude somewhat.

Is it a bad thing? I guess that depends on your way of thinking and outlook. I havent changed as much as her, but its not a deal breaker for me either. I have learned to adapt and its taken me this long to accept that I needed to make some personal changes knowing who I am now. The experience has helped me grow and look at life differently.

If anything were to happen to our marriage hypothetically speaking, I doubt I'd marry again. But that is a personal choice. Im not saying never, but there are things I would want to do in life I didnt do when I was single. If that makes sense. I dont have regrets being married, perhaps the timing was a bit hasty though at that age. lol

[MercuryT]

BlueOval that's a great post so I won't cover it all.

Yes adaptability is important but it depends on the issue.

For instance.
My Ex VERY money driven - when we married she didn't have a job. I clearly was unaware of this trait and that's my fault. I'm happy with my income and basic life. She is Audi and brand labels when had my/our money available. (her choice, many are)

I am extremely house happy - jobs around the house I can do, movies, dogs etc, my Ex is very social and never slowed down.

At Uni we'd be out 3 times a a week drinking etc but as I'm older I don't really want to go out. My Ex with new husband on Instagram out etc etc and I wouldn't even know how to use it. (nor want to)

So yeah.

No right or wrong, we grew in different ways, just I truly regret marrying too early for me (not saying others like yourselves shouldn't)

The Legal system an entirely different matter which has been covered already in terms of injustice. Refer back to money driven that I wasn't aware of.

[73 4V XB]

Originally Posted by Franco Cozzo

Anyway where did you all meet your current or former partners? That has to be a happier turn to this thread.

Blind date in 1994 at Fun City go-carts on Ballarat Rd Scumshine. Her first words to me was “F off I’m busy”. Your probably to young to remember Fun City. Don’t know if it’s still there or not but she is still putting up with me

[MITCHAY]

Wow this thread has been an interesting read

So here is my opinion as a person who has never been in a long term relationship, let alone married but observed plenty both good and bad.

No one ever gets into it expecting it to go to ****. But if you don't put in the work and compromise it will turn to **** eventually.

That's just simple logic, but love and hate make us do a whole lot of things.

[Franco Cozzo]

Originally Posted by 73 4V XB

Blind date in 1994 at Fun City go-carts on Ballarat Rd Scumshine. Her first words to me was “F off I’m busy”. Your probably to young to remember Fun City. Don’t know if it’s still there or not but she is still putting up with me

Fun City was still around, I went go-karting and played laser tag there nearly 15 years ago

Looks like it burned down in 2017:

https://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/la...f26d3fd40850a4

[guzzis3]

I disagree on the change thing. I've been socialising with friends from school these last few years quite a lot. Your talking people in some cases I knew 45 and 50 years ago. They haven't changed really at all. More mature, more wise but all those personalities are still in tact.

I went on FB whenever it was and found about 2/3 of my high school year on it. I deliberately kept an open mind and became "friends" with everyone. It didn't take long for me to give more and more attention to the people I was closer to then and the ones I didn't hang out with to drift away. Sample size about 120 people. I started high school in 78. That's a pretty decent social experiment.

If you are undertaking a relationship for the long haul probably differences are more valuable than similarities. 2 reasons:

More than anything else you are teaming up to take on life. Different personalities will take on different jobs rather than you both tripping over each other.

Very few relationships thrive with a lot of interaction. You need time apart. If one of you is in the shed polishing rust while the other is inside making pots or crochet bikinis that's likely to be healthy for your relationship.

That's not to say you should have nothing in common, but a balance is good.

[MercuryT]

Just because your own friend group hasn't changed doesn't mean people don't change.

Understand your point and that's great for you - some of us aren't as lucky.

[ford71V8]

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

[MercuryT]

I wouldn't help my Ex even if deserted on an island.

No reflection on females who are fantastic.

[zilo]

Originally Posted by MercuryT

I wouldn't help my Ex even if deserted on an island.

.

I could arrange that if required.

[DJR-351]

And on the lighter side........

[MercuryT]

[MercuryT]

Ha.......

[mondeomatureguy]

my wife and I went to dinner at a mates place and his wife. He was my best man at my wedding and we have known each other for 40 years and were still very good friends.

At dinner he informs us that there eldest daughter " will be getting married" there both young in there early twenty's and I worry about the younger generation because some of them have some strange ideas about what marriage is.

My mate told his daughter "marriage is hard work sometimes and you have to work at it. It has its ups and downs but if you find the right person that makes it so much easier".

Then I said " its not like your wedding reception a party every day and some times things will be a little difficult and you have to work on them and both of you to work them out".

The daughters response was " We never argue or fight". and I said " They all say that and In five years after your married I will ask you if you have had an "argument yet".