Thurs Funny

[Charliewool]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th
birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good
about the results. Sometime later, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says
to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops
in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes
up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way
to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward,
but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how
old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts
out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces
and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each
nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes
his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says.....


"I was behind you in line at McDonalds"

:

[JTFG]

lol nice one :P

Gold!

[Mike Gayner]

Haha awesome!

[Charliewool]

Another...

What it is to be Australian

"Being Australian is about driving in a Japanese car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Malaysian furniture and watch American shows
on a Chinese TV. And the most Australian thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."

[EF, What else?]

Originally Posted by charliewool

Another...

What it is to be Australian

"Being Australian is about driving in a Japanese car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Malaysian furniture and watch American shows
on a Chinese TV. And the most Australian thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."

It's funny coz its true! :hihi:

[Charliewool]

THE EXCUSE OF THE CENTURY

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving
this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, but I suppose it'll be the last thing I will hear from
you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home tonight this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and
allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty.

She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great
compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made
for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain
weight and the poor thing, practically devoured them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her
the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer
wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I
gave you on our anniversary and that you don't wear because I don't have good
taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that
you will not wear just to spite my sister and I also gave her the boots that
you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you
saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the
door.

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out
of her eyes, and she asks me:


"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?

[FPV8U]

Originally Posted by charliewool

Another...

What it is to be Australian

"Being Australian is about driving in a Japanese car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Malaysian furniture and watch American shows
on a Chinese TV. And the most Australian thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."

Thats is awesome, the first joke was very good too. :evilking:

That last one is a cracker!

[PH47]

hahahahaha... that's classic