What jokes do you know?

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

What do you give to someone who has everything?

A cocaine addiction, so in 12 months, they'll have nothing

An alternative:
What do you give to someone who has everything?
Antibiotics.

[AndrewR_AUII]

For the science geeks:

Two atoms walk into a bar, one of them says to the other

"I think I've lost an electron"

"Are you sure"

"I'm positive"

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by guitarman

MATE!!!...Seriously!.........G, sometimes you C that A joke will Bb, but that one was F#

I've made a note of that one.

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Soo.... software problems are fixed with a hammer. Got it.

[Fev]

Osama's Letter to Bush

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George
Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line
of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with
this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by Fev

Osama's Letter to Bush
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."

Bit like to Blonde walking in to an Auto parts shop looking for a '710' cap.

[Fev]

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by guitarman

Citizen 1: "Did you see that our local Chinese Food store has closed down, and a Cat Shelter has opened up in its place!"
Citizen 2: "Gee, that's like one extreme to another!"

[AndrewR_AUII]

Spot the misteak....

[AndrewR_AUII]

Man was in the Doctor's office, doctor says:

"I'm putting you on a diet of pizza and pancakes"

"Why Pizza and pancakes ??"

"Well, what you have is very contagious, and that's all that will fit under the door"

[AndrewR_AUII]

The God of Thunder rode along, astride his mighty steed

"I'm Thor !!" he cried, and the horse replied:

"You forgot your thaddle thilly"

[Charliewool]

Things people actually said in court, word for word. (Long read, but some quite funny)


CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be
the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well! Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say : "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
"The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cethy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
> to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the
keepers of the word in various parts of the world...

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's
vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what
did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the
hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
removed and put on top of my head.


LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the
farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the
duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did.
(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes.
(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his .
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good,
you were sober, you have good eyesight and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."

[Fev]

Oh the hilarity!

[Fev]

As a guy drove along the highway, a he kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy. "Count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

[Fev]

sorry i had to post this one


What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by Fev

sorry i had to post this one


What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Wrong Forum.... this is more suited to the Holden forum...

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by AndrewR_AUII

Wrong Forum.... this is more suited to the Holden forum...

Or
The North Adelaide/Elizabeth Forum.

[Burnout]

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although
measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was
orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs... the tallest ones, anyway.

[Fev]

WHAT IF FOOD WAS DIRTY AND SEX WAS CLEAN?



When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."

What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister." Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

[irlewy86]

How many lawyers jokes are there?


Just 2, the rest are true stories.

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by Fev

WHAT IF FOOD WAS DIRTY AND SEX WAS CLEAN?

Food would become a four-letter word.

If I can count correctly..... it is.

[Fev]

Have you no sense of humor?

[pauljh74]

Jack goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Jack," the boss replies. "I'm sorry, I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Jack, "I knew I could count on you!"
**********************

Benefits for single mums should be stopped and force them to get back to work.

Lap dancing bars might have to close otherwise.
**********************
New Orleans is spared the worst of the storm. Great news for those who stayed behind and also for eBay who seem to have a large number of Tellys up for auction in the New Orleans area.
**********************

Dear agony aunt,

I have a problem husband. He's always *in the mood*. He's trying to have his way with me no matter where we are whatever we're doing. I can't sleep in front of him. Even if i'm sleeping, standing, sitting, walking, eating, he's trying to jump on me. I'm dead tired now. Can you help me.

Thanks,

Stella

PS: Sorry for the shaky handwriting
**********************

[Burnout]

My GP referred me to a urologist.


To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why... ?????
...
...
...

She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'

[T3-STROKER]

A couple had an Argument while Driving out bush,
They passed a pig farm Wife asks Sarcastically Relatives of yours ?
Husband Answers Yip inlaws.

[Burnout]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in
the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun ... "It's a
soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood .. sure enough
he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three
times but nothing happens. Then she yells " .... Holy Mary, Mother of God -
it's hand lotion!"

[Burnout]

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top
End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the
Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air,
under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
discovered, lying in the middle Of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear
pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high In the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the
prostrate
Aborigine.

'Jacky,' said the tour guide, 'what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?'

The aborigine replied, 'Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it
has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking
warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front
seat.'

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed
knowledge. 'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?' asked one.

The Aborigine replied, 'I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour
ago!'

[irlewy86]

A PLEA FOR HELP FROM A GROUNDED AUSTRALIAN TO HIS FRIEND "BJ"
Hi Mate,


I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody pilots licence back (you keep telling me you got all the right contacts, well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate). But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA Examiner.


On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA d**khead) seemed a reasonable sort of bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have look over my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.


Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the ALA (Authorised Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than that strip, despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip (it's not really a problem to land and take-off because at the half-way point down the strip, you're usually still on the ground). For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again.
Because the p***k was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two. My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks - in fact they went a bright red.


In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit of a chase, I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron started gettin' into me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves like to move around a bit - particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground, so it's bloody pointless trying to secure them, as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.


Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimised the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500rpm. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded that I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on 'All tanks', so I suppose that's OK. However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof.


I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel chock again". The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked wildly around just in time to see a rock thrown by the propwash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble", I thought. While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the ALA and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word - at least, not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, then he bloody screamed his head off ... "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" "Take it easy, Ron" I told him firmly, "that often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it."
I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it worked just fine
- if you know how to coax it properly.


Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test.
He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer (I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days). I selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax.


Meanwhile I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet (I don't normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because as you know getting Fax access out here is a f#*% joke and the bloody weather is always
8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking). Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. Now I hate camels, and I always carry a loaded .303 clipped inside the door of the Cessna - just in case I see any of the bastards.


We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron was friggin' electric. As I fired the first shot, his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.


Shortly afterwards, I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flap, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushing up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate!
About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment on this unusual sight but Ron looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the foetal position and was screamin' his f*&%# head off.
Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there, it was so bloody funny!


At about 500 feet I levelled out, but for some reason we continued sinking.
When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothin' happened; no noise no nothin'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying "carby heat, carby heat", so I pulled carby heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!


Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. BJ, you would've been bloody proud of me as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a while now).


Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened wide, very wide, but no sound emerged. "Take it easy," I told him.
"We'll be out of this in a minute." Sure enough, about a minute later we emerge; still straight and level and still at 50 feet. Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing".


This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again. By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. "Ah!," I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right there."


Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway.


I turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her down with a real thud.
Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!


Halfway through our third loop Ron at last recovered his sense of humour.
Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it; he couldn't stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow. I then began picking clumps of dry grass.


Between gut wrenching fits of laughter Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can you believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution ? poor bastard!


Anyhow, mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I just got a letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test.


Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I did that was so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin' licence, can you?





Don Joyce

[Burnout]

You know you are a true Greek when:

1) You respond to Reh or Mori.

2) You consider a komboloi to be a stress reliever.

3) Your parents believe that there is a conspiracy behind everything.

4) Your mother gets vicious on Jehovah's Witnesses.

7) You have been so bored in church that you have imagined being Luke
Skywalker with your labatha and that the priest was Darth Vader.

8) Fakkes help fuel up your house in the winter.

9) Your luggage smells like: oregano, ouzo, figs, kefalotiri, loukoumiaetc.
It is also wrapped with string.

11) Survivor and Big Brother are a joke after having spent a summer inthe
Horio (Village).

12) You know that there is no mouthwash or toothpaste strong enough to
conquer tzatziki.

13) You know that in Greece taxi driver means tour guide.

14) Your family argues over: Pasok vs. Nea Demokratia, Olympiakos
vs.Panathinaikos, sheep vs. goats, feta vs.kefalotiri, and land vs.money,
etc.

15) The closest you have come to winning the lottery is finding the coin in
the Vasilopita.

16) You know that the term "Car Pool" in Greece means 3 on a donkey.

17) Somebody calls out your name at a family gathering and 5 people respond.

18) Your father still has Greek 8-Track tapes and a player.

19) Your parents know "Horiatika Martial Arts" (village-like) they are
trained with such moves as: the "traditional skabeelee" (smack),
the always dangerous"anapodi" (upside down), the "sto dialo sfaliara"
(the devil's smack/hit) and the torture techniques which involve the
pulling of the ears or sideburns.

20) Your parents are also trained to use weapons such as: The "kolo killing
koutala" (bum-killing-spoon) the "flying pandofla" (slipper), the "lethal
loureeda" (belt) and let's not forget a classic: The "vicious verga".

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by irlewy86

A PLEA FOR HELP FROM A GROUNDED AUSTRALIAN TO HIS FRIEND "BJ"

Sorry mate re-post (136, page 6).