What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt
while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around

3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's *** and honestly
believe we could do it too

4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless
hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago

5. We drop our 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor (which we're eating even though
we are not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it

6. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much

7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my god! I love this song!"

8. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us

9. The man we're flirting with used to be our 5th grade teacher

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or
dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us

11. Our eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep
them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy

12. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it

13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just
coke, but that's just because we can no longer taste the vodka

14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor

15. We start every conversation with a booming, "don't take this the wrong
way but..."

16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it

17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves

18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap

19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pants to cut down
on the time we're in the bathroom away from our drink

20. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're
having problems walking straight

[Charliewool]

Latest from the financial world...

The credit crisis has reached Japan...In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Sayonara

[Charliewool]

Update on Cinderella



Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

[Charliewool]

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[BigTony]

shes so fat ,it doesnt matter where shes sitting in the room ,shes always sitting next to ya!

[BigTony]

Seen my old grandad the other day,i said ere ,theres a rumour going round you have a 12 inch knob,he said, i know ,i f***in started it!

[pauljh74]

How to cure Premature Ejaculation.....

Open your eyes and actually look at your wife instead of fantasising about her younger sexier sister............
*****************************

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater."

*****************************

What's the difference between a dwarf bank robber and VD?

One's a cunning runt......

*****************************

[XR6_661]

The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts


1) The "fishing" text.

This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? “
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don’t do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.


2) Predictive “-ups”


The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

Some favourites:

"Sorry still outside the club. steve." (queue)


"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt)


“Ready and raping to go!” (raring)


The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

It was inevitably written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''


"Can't wait to be licking your puppy” (pussy)


"Fancy a dual?" ()

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"


"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)


“Gassy new year!!!" (happy)


"come on over... I have wind" (wine)


My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:

“I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!” (rides)


“Put your coal into my puppy” ( & pussy)


I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)


Whilst preparing for a play:
“Have you got the rapist ready yet” (script)

“Spank me when u get here” (Prank)



3) The "friend locator" text

One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:


"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exasperated when you realise you have all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?”


4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

“If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together”

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"


It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won’t and she will have the evidence in her inbox


5) "Family texts"

Doesn’t happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.

Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to “fitties” in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" or “Danni” alphabetically.

My favourites:

"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn’t speak for a week or so)

"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)

And the worst case...Text sex!!!

"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet... (you go)"

The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!


6) ", & bollocks text!"

The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.

Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.

For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:

“Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?”

Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door


7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!


8) "The One Eyed Text"

By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.

9) Pre-lash booty check texts

A sister to the "fishing text", the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.

It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later."
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!

I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!


10)The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how ****ed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent Boycey £40"
"Key is under bin"

11) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".

Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking "What’s your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you're doing it!!!!

Drunken text messages can happen to anyone, although admittedly some more than others! Will we ever learn? I hope not!

[birdman941]

Good Lord there are some winners in here!
Funniest thread ever.

[Burnout]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So, he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little
white box to use as a house. He took the box back home, found a good location for it then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with
me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to
ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's
house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place
and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time - I'm putting
my shoes on!"

[pauljh74]

Having given up smoking two weeks ago, I decided to take the advice from a health magazine which suggested starting a hobby, so I started doing pottery lessons.

And the first thing they taught me to make?... An ashtray.
************************************

Three blokes get caught by Red Indians, an English bloke, a Scottish chap, and an Irishman. The Red Indian Chief tells them that they must die by use of bow and arrow, but they each have one request.
The English bloke asks for a sexy blonde who he shags for ten minutes before he recieves an arrow to the head. The Scottish bloke asks for a bottle of Jack Daniels, which he swigs straight down, and he recieves an arrow straight to the head as well. Paddy asks for a bottle of aftershave and he splashes it all over his body.
The Indian Chief fires his bow and arrow at Paddy but the arrow shoots to the left, so he fires another arrow but this time it shoots to the right.
The Chief tells Paddy that if he fails to kill him with his third arrow then he is free to go.
He fires the arrow but it goes straight over Paddy's head.
The Chief says, "you are a free man but, can I ask you, what aftershave you are wearing?"
Paddy says, "Aramis!"
************************************

I had these two blokes knock on my door today so I kept them talking while my Girlfriend nicked their wallets.

Lets see if Jehovah witnessed that.
************************************

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "this is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "so, how are things in America these days?"
*************************************

A recent survey asked women how they felt about their men wearing condoms.

85% answered, "depends on what's in it for me."
************************************

What do you call a man with three balls?























...a juggler.

*****************************************

What's hard and guarantees to get a woman wet when it's turned on?

A shower.
*************************************

[xy351]

what do you do when your dishwasher breaks? slap the

[snakeoil]

loved the centipede joke dude.kids will love that one
Cheers

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by snakeoil

loved the centipede joke dude.kids will love that one
Cheers

Yes it's a good'un, now watch me stuff it up.


One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a
brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and
have intelligent conversations with Eve."

"The other organ I have for you is called a . It will allow you to
reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve
will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow,

"I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[pauljh74]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?"
"No you twat," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."
********************************************

After five years of marriage, a woman was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"Just tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby, if I told you, you'd go off your head".
She promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her husband to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen......"
*********************************************

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. Instead, I would like you to know that I have looked after you handsomely in my Will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "can I see that prescription I just gave you, I'd like to make a little change..."
*********************************************

Gareth had a little lamb
His father had it too
If you're in to beastiality
New Zealand's the place for you.
*********************************************

I have been so depressed lately that my wife threatened to leave me.
Even that didn't cheer me up.
*********************************************

The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.

When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect… It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still laughing.
**********************************************

Panic on Wall Street yesterday after the US government failed to agree a financial bail out saw shares in Banks tumble to record lows.

On the flipside Shares in Mcdonalds, Starbucks, Burger King, KFC and other american fast food brands continue to rocket as all the Fat Bastards started comfort eating to cope witht he crisis.
**********************************************

Porsche is rolling out with a new line of cars geared towards Jewish drivers...they can stop on a dime, then pick it up.
**********************************************

Apparently the PM receives two turds a week through the post.

But what I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

[Burnout]

Thirteen Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pis*y Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favourite one :
13. Potential Murder Suspect

[Burnout]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just
fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........ I'm a little busy
right now!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions!"

[big-e]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 150 litres of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 1.5 litres so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 150 litres of milk. Did you mean 1.5 litres?"

The blonde said,

"I want 150 litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked,

"Do you want it Pasteurised?"

The blonde said,

"No, just up to my t!ts, I can splash it in my eyes....

[big-e]

A mother goes to her married sons house and walks in to find her daughter in law sitting in a chair entirely naked. The mother in law asks "what the hell you doin?"
"im wearing my love dress" responds the daughter in law."Steve and i havent made love in a while so im wearing it waiting for him to come home"..
The mother in law says "mmm maybe i should try that"

She goes home and finds that her husband still isnt back from the pub, so she undresses and waits for him. Two hours pass and she finally hears her husbands car.

He walks in the front door and says "what the hell are you doing?"
"im wearing my love dress" says the wife.
"Well" responds the husband, "it needs ironing"

[Burnout]

'Friends don't let friends take home ugly women'
-Someplace Else, Brisbane

'Beauty is only a light switch away'.
-Ergon Energy

'If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives'.
-Pizza Hut, Taigum

'Remember, it's not, How high are you? it's Hi, how are you?'
-Nimbin Health Centre

'Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity'.
-Cleo Magazine

'No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her '.
-Men's Room Gold Coast

'At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry'.
-Sizzlers, Mt. Gravatt.

'It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere'.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Alice Springs

'Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED'!
-Women's restroom Garden City.

'If voting could really change things, it would be illegal'.
-Q. B. D. Bookshop, Garden City.

'Express Lane: Five beers or less'
-Sign over one of the urinals "The Paddo Tavern"

'You're too good for him'.
-Sign over mirror in Women's restroom The Chancellor

'No wonder you always go home alone'.
-Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Mobil Servo, Burpengary

'A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it'.
-Women's Restroom, Inala

[Burnout]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when
suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy,
whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window,
snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both
collapsed in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are
starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks
having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she
allowed the kinky bastard to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in
all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
that I've ever seen.

[Charliewool]

Tool Definitions!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[HOEBAG]

hahah van aerial disease. classic!

[Burnout]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when a Bakery Boy bends over?
Dough-nuts.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Gympie schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does a Maryborough family go on vacation?
A different pub.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a Queensland zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women could put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their
finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and
forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits
by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the bush and there are no women there, is he
still wrong?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

[Russ]

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Westfield Centre Manager comes out and unplugs it.


A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the panel shop.
The panel beater, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"



Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the conversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally the discussion led to what the sex of the unborn child would be, and the manner in which they were conceived.

The first brunette says "I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top."

The second brunette says "I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom."

The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out "Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy".



The Blonde at school !!!


Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.


Little Johnny's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.

The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Little Johnny is last to speak. He says, ''My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "The moral is don't f!c# with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

[Burnout]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go
to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied. "You keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How
did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

[pauljh74]

Ultimate phone prank:

1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"

2. Operator replies, "you're through to Childline."

3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE @#$%, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD" before hanging up the phone.
*************************************

Hold your palms up to your mouth and make biting gestures, ''What's this?''
''Jesus biting his nails.''
*************************************

I used that new Lynx deodorant with a touch of chocolate last night.

My mates were ****ing themselves, I pulled every fat bird in the club.
*************************************

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said an employer to a prospective employee.

"I'm your man," replied the potential employee. "On my last job, every time things went wrong, they said I was responsible".
*************************************

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,

how should he express himself?



Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...



















He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.'

If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.


(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer.)
*****************************************

[RSgerry]

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "this is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "what's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "so, how are things in America these days?"

[The Dark One]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]



Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson



Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.



Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins.



Take out the literature from the box andread it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'



HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS!

[Russ]

An old couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, "For god's sake woman, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!"