A Parents worst fear

[Sam_Boss260]

Bent, what a very well written OP. Needless to say, you and your wife are not to blame here. The other friend / driver is. All you can do, is empart the warning signs that you saw and noticed to your kids, so that when they see another friend (and they probably will) exhibit the same traits, they will not go in a car with them.

Just as an aside, have you shown this OP to your kids? I would. It shows not only what you were and feeling but also the impact and unfortunately the 'what could have been impact'.

I have two daughters, and yes this driving thing in coming years does frighten me, so does the whole 'staying over at a friends place' from time to time. But that is another story.

Don't beat yourself up mate, just reflect, and go give your wife and daughter a hug.

[supershifty]

All praise to the above comments Bent.

We were all teenagers and felt that we were "bulletproof" at some stage.

I got lucky and survived it, although I couldn't be told as "I knew better" - BS now, I know. I had some close calls due to my ignorance in my late teens and early 20's. Thankfully I didn't kill myself or anyone else in the process.

You have survived the worse fear of losing a child, no parent should have to see one of their children off in the ideal world - it should be that they see us as parents off.

I have two daughters and could not imagine the grief of parting with their lives, it would probably destroy me.

So happy to hear your girl is alright. You can't foresee what is going to happen or predict another's actions - you've nothing to answer for if the worse had happened Bent.

Cheers!

[Matty4]

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone's sentiments on here.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AS A PARENT!!

My oldest daughter is almost 17 and I've been teaching her to drive (Mum's not confident enough to teach her). Reading your OP just brought it all home to me as well, that life is indeed balanced on a knife-edge at times. Thankfully my daughter doesn't have any friends that are older than her and are already driving and showing her their bad habits.

I'll happily incur the wrath of my daughter if it means she still comes home every night.

All the best BENT 8

[zilo]

Bent8...your daughter has just had a get out of jail free card.

Don't blame yourself but get tough, learn to say no to her if you have even the slightest doubt about her safety.

You don't have to explain why to her or anyone else.


Pull the reins right in.


Your story nearly broke my heart, was expecting an unhappy ending.

[BENT_8]

Bit of a dig, but i really would like to know some thoughts on a dilemma im currently facing in relation to this topic.

My eldest son, 17, approached his mother and asked if he and his mates could go on a 'cruise' on Sunday.
There is a group of about 4 drivers all who will be in seperate cars and my son who will be the only passenger that im aware of, they are all 'P' platers with one having his less than 4 months.

If you have read the opening post of this thread, what im about to say should leave you as dumbfounded as i.

Believe it or not, my wife said 'we'll see'.

'Now to many, 'we'll see' means just that, we will consider it. But in our household, 'we'll see' means, 'ask your father'.

So on his way to work this morning he drops it on me...
'Im going cruising with my mates on Sunday'

'I beg your pardon, cruising where and with whom.'

'Cruising up the Barossa with the lads from work, im going with one of them.'

'How old and how long have they had their licenses?'

'Around 18 and not long but mum said its ok'

'Did mum'

'Well she said i'd have to check with you'

'Are you for real, we nearly lost your sister 7 months ago when her friend decided to go cruising. Now you want to go off through the Barossa at high speed with a bunch of inexperienced male drivers in their own cars and expect me to go along with it, you are dreaming'.

'But we're only cruising, we wont do anything stupid'

'Of course not, it starts off innocent and then someone sets the bar and everyone tries to out do the other and before you know it your wrapped around a tree and everyone says what great kids they were'

So as you can imagine, i find myself in a situation where if i say 'yes' im going against everything i believe in and thumbing my nose at our recent experience.
If i say 'no' im the ******** parent and the wife comes off scott free as she handed it over to me.

I have had a melt down to her on the phone, she knows exactly how i feel on this subject and despite giving the ok that led to my daughters near miss, she couldnt find it in herself to wear the consequences of just saying 'no' herself and saving me from the predicament.
I know if tables were reversed there is no way i would consider making the same mistake twice, let alone referring it off to someone else to create the animosity this has created.

Fair dinkum, this could be the moment which brings to an end 24 years of partnership, 12 years of marriage and the settled lives of 4 children.
I feel so betrayed by her, especially after convincing her that what happened to our daughter wasnt her fault.
How could you even consider allowing a convoy of teenage, inexperienced drivers to go 'cruising' at high speeds on unfamiliar roads with your son in the passenger seat after what weve been through.

Thoughts?

[Burnout]

Don't blame her, parenting is hard for both sides of the gender fence....
Discuss and support will give her the courage to empower herself in these family situations.

[snopony]

Tell him it's all cool- your mother is going with you.

[The Yeti]

Jeguz Bent 8 I miss read that and had to read it twice you can imagine the relief I felt when I realised I was wrong and that even through your daughter was involved in a car accident she was lucky enough to survive.

I read it about the same time I saw this post

https://www.facebook.com/86100626731...type=3&theater

if you don't to facebook this is the image in the post

[Yellow_Festiva]

Tough one... I know what I did when I went 'cruising' with friends. Surprised I'm still alive. At least the cars the youngins drive these days have an airbag or 2 and other electrical driver aides to help.

Say yes and follow in the distance in a mates car. The moment something spikes your concerns call him and tell him to step out of the car ready to be collected.

I would also be more concerned when a group of cars are involved, this triggers all sorts of behaviors that would not be a problem had they been in a single car. Competitiveness, proving yourself, pack following, trying to out-do each other etc etc etc

[bathurst-racer]

Originally Posted by ford71V8

Of everything you wrote in the opening post, the unhelpful reaction of the driver stands out and angers me.

Dangerous driving causing actual bodily harm.
The charge(s) the driver is facing will hopefully help your family come to terms with this horrible scenario.
The drivers behaviour should send a tremor through every member who has contributed to our threads discussing substance abuse.

[Yellow_Festiva]

Driver could have been suffering from shock? What did they actually get charged with I wonder?

[MercurySilver]

I live in the barossa
You need to pay attention on those roads
The amount of twits I see going from lyndoch thru Rowland flat to tanunda is unreal
Then there's the back roads thru Bethany up to menglers hill, wildlife, trees a foot away...I'd be weary of 4 young lads in 4 sep cars.....smells like 'racing' to me
I don't want to be hearng at work about another accident up here

Great op and posts

[Maka]

Teenagers can be one-upmanship experts with their immediate peers, in other words they respond to getting egged on by their mates if left alone for long enough, consequences be damned!

You know that Bent so don't trust them by themselves, I have a teenager son too & i will be going through this too very soon, I wont be letting him go on their own either until attitude & consequence training is completed first & that includes parental observation in the field lol!!!

Imo tag along with the missus in your car or better still contact some of the other kids parents & get them to tag along too if possible Imo. Tell the kids a big cruise is better than a little ****y one & more cars the merrier & safer. Good luck!!!

cheer's, Maka

[Boosted8]

Seems like it was beyond your control. You shouldn't blame yourself.

The driver made her choice the second she got behind the wheel intoxicated. She's just lucky she has been given a second chance, many people only get one opportunity to screw up.

[JC]

OP - caught between a rock and a hard place. Do what you think is right (I wouldn't let the son go if it were me).

[Boosted8]

Judging by how I drove when I was out with mates as a P plater... I wouldn't let him go.

Your son might be mature and have good judgement but guaranteed one of his mate's will want to show off at some point.

[fordomatic]

I don't know how i survived through my P's, one not dying and two not getting pulled over. Well i do know why i never got pulled over because me and my mates used to head to all the back roads where no police were near. As if they will just be going for a "cruise" that's what i used to tell my mum every time i left home. One of my mates would do a burnout then the next one would one up doing fishys up the road then we would be dragging after that, always one upping each other. I've only had my licence 14 years but at least when i was on my P's cars weren't as powerful, my EF Fairmont was the fastest in my group. Now days P platers have way faster cars and they are cheap.

I wouldn't let the son go mate, no way.

With the wife, i think she was just so worried about the blow back she would get from the son and the relationship they have that she said "ask you father". I bet she didn't think about the issues it would cause you. Talk it out between you both and see if she will approach your son and tell him the truth on why she was too scared to say no.

[STEALTHY]

I think you're overreacting here. When people are young and just get their cars, they always want to drive. The fact that 4 of them want to take their own cars is nothing unusal, and doesn't mean they're just out to race eachother as some here think. I'm not saying they're wrong, but i am saying that not every kid who just gets their license is out to race all their mates.

I think you need to actually drive with your son, and make sure he is taught his limits, and his cars limits. And even get to know the friends, dont just write them off as people who are going to kill your son, without even knowing how they drive! Someone here said to make the mum tag along. Now i'm sure they said that as a joke, but going for a drive with them (maybe not on the cruise on sunday, but before hand) to get to know the kids will work out better for you.

If you get active in this sense, it'll have a much better outcome than if you flatly refuse it (he will hate you for it, and then sneak out and go anyway)

[sixman]

As a parent i learn a lot reading threads like this.
Thanks for sharing!

[Beastie]

How do you rate your son's driving and overall attitude?

I note that you mentioned that your son will be the only passenger.

I would be a bit worried if my son was a passenger in this situation as he will have no control of what his driver does, but I would not be worried if he was driving his own car. At least that way he is in total control.

Tell him that he can go, but as a compromise, he must make the mature decision to turn around if things start getting 'silly' (assuming he is driving)

I also like the suggestions about calling a few of the other parents and explaining how you feel, particularly due to your previous experiences. Who knows, they might not even know what their own kids are planning and may share your own concerns.

[DBourne]

I can understand why you're so angry about it, and you're 100% right, if it was you who said it is ok to go out, you'd be getting your head chewed off!! (but then that's just Men V Woman isn't it).

I don't think any of us can really give you advice, because ultimately we aren't involved in the relationship, but I'll give my opinion anyway (see, I don't even listen to myself).

1) Lets give your son credit for telling (sort of asking) you that he wants to go on a cruise. He could have easily just not said a word, and you'd be none the wiser until after, so don't discount this.

I don't have kids, so you're more than within your rights to say I'm wrong, get stuffed, but the fact you have open communication is pure gold, and should be something that is encouraged.

2) In the end, no matter whether you say yes, or you say no, something COULD always happen, I hope beyond hope nothing does, but it COULD always happen.

3) I know I don't know you or your missus from a bar of soap, but also don't discount the fact that she may look to you to be a pillar of strength in this situation. Not saying that she shouldn't be able to stand up to him herself, but it may just rip her apart and she's looking for you to be there.

[BENT_8]

Thanks guys, some great posts.

Just to make it clear, my son is still on his L's so wont be doing any driving, he's a passenger and at the mercy of the driver.
I dont have a problem with him getting a ride to or from work etc. with a mate who drives, what concerns me is the 'convoy' situation where the likelyhood of competition is elevated.
The recent fiery crash in Melbourne is a shocking reminder that the above scenario can end in tears in the blink of an eye.
I showed them the footage taken by the witness and gave them a brief outline of how something as simple as taking a wrong turn can set in motion a chain reactioin which can end badly.

I then took him for a driving lesson and during that time we had a good chat about all the things that concern me and how it impacts my wife and my relationship when we clash over this stuff.
During the conversation he got distracted and nearly cleaned up a car by attempting a lane change without a blindspot check.
It scared the **** out of him, so i got him to pull over to regain composure.
I asked him what went wrong, he said he was too busy listening to me and thinking about what i was saying and got distracted.
It was then that he realised the method of my madness, see normally i keep quiet and just instruct him on where we are going etc. but i wanted to put him under the pressure of driving and communicating with a passenger and how easily one can become distracted and make an innocent mistake.
He got it, no doubt.

The wife and i will get through it.

Thanks guys.

[Ross 1]

Originally Posted by DBourne

3) I know I don't know you or your missus from a bar of soap, but also don't discount the fact that she may look to you to be a pillar of strength in this situation. Not saying that she shouldn't be able to stand up to him herself, but it may just rip her apart and she's looking for you to be there.

Some good answers in here already so I won't repeat what others have already said, a very good point in the above quote. I have 2 teenagers and we as parents basically trust our gut feeling on a situation. If your instincts say no then go with it. When you tell him no, both you and your wife should be there, telling him WE don't think it is a good idea and WE both say no. Even if there is times when we don't agree on a subject there is always a united front for the kids so they know not to play us against each other.

[STEALTHY]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

Thanks guys, some great posts.

Just to make it clear, my son is still on his L's so wont be doing any driving, he's a passenger and at the mercy of the driver.
I dont have a problem with him getting a ride to or from work etc. with a mate who drives, what concerns me is the 'convoy' situation where the likelyhood of competition is elevated.
The recent fiery crash in Melbourne is a shocking reminder that the above scenario can end in tears in the blink of an eye.
I showed them the footage taken by the witness and gave them a brief outline of how something as simple as taking a wrong turn can set in motion a chain reactioin which can end badly.

I then took him for a driving lesson and during that time we had a good chat about all the things that concern me and how it impacts my wife and my relationship when we clash over this stuff.
During the conversation he got distracted and nearly cleaned up a car by attempting a lane change without a blindspot check.
It scared the **** out of him, so i got him to pull over to regain composure.
I asked him what went wrong, he said he was too busy listening to me and thinking about what i was saying and got distracted.
It was then that he realised the method of my madness, see normally i keep quiet and just instruct him on where we are going etc. but i wanted to put him under the pressure of driving and communicating with a passenger and how easily one can become distracted and make an innocent mistake.
He got it, no doubt.

The wife and i will get through it.

Thanks guys.

That melbourne crash wasnt a bunch of cars on a leiserly cruise, so i dont think it can even be brought up here...

When you say he got it, i hope you mean he understands both sides of it, so as a passenger, he can still have an impact on the driver (such as, not talking about distracting things when the driver needs to be fully concentrating)

So are you allowing him to go on the cruise?

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by STEALTHY

That melbourne crash wasnt a bunch of cars on a leiserly cruise, so i dont think it can even be brought up here...

When you say he got it, i hope you mean he understands both sides of it, so as a passenger, he can still have an impact on the driver (such as, not talking about distracting things when the driver needs to be fully concentrating)

So are you allowing him to go on the cruise?

From what i can gather, it started off as an innocent trip away for a Party, it wasnt until one of the group got seperated that the chain of events that led to the crash began.
Im of the belief that no one was doing anything wrong, they got lost, the passenger tried to get instructions from the rest of the group via mobile phone and it obviously distracted the inexperienced driver leading to the crash.
Correct me if im wrong, but thats what i understand of it.

Yes, i explained it to him that he has a responsibility as both driver and passenger to maintain focus at all times and not add to the info overload that can lead to distraction.

No, he wont be going on the cruise, when i explained the environment and the associated risks involved he fully understood and said it was all good, he's not the type of lad to try and go behind our backs so i have faith that he will do the right thing.

As for the wife and i, well, i will be honest and say that in reflection i definately over reacted to the situation, but to be fair, i lost a sister at 15 to a reckless driver, almost lost my daughter to a reckless driver 7 months ago and obviously my first reaction was to baulk at the idea.
After a good chat we are all on the same page and she can understand where im coming from, you never know until it happens to you and i couldnt believe she hadnt learnt from our recent near miss.

Thanks again.

[XR.1967]

Bent 8 My 2c
I think one of the best things you could purchase is a dash camera.
Fit it to the car he will be in and it will be like your in the car..
You know if your out of site your out of there mind..
But if they know there being filmed and your going to watch it back they will behave better..
If the young bloke driving the car doesn't want it in there then you don't want your child in there..

To the OP.
I'm glad your daughter was not hurt.
There wasn't much you could have done but gorn with your gut..
Don't beat yourself up just go with the gut feeling next time..
Good luck to all parents raising your kids..

[STEALTHY]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

From what i can gather, it started off as an innocent trip away for a Party, it wasnt until one of the group got seperated that the chain of events that led to the crash began.
Im of the belief that no one was doing anything wrong, they got lost, the passenger tried to get instructions from the rest of the group via mobile phone and it obviously distracted the inexperienced driver leading to the crash.
Correct me if im wrong, but thats what i understand of it.

Yes, i explained it to him that he has a responsibility as both driver and passenger to maintain focus at all times and not add to the info overload that can lead to distraction.

No, he wont be going on the cruise, when i explained the environment and the associated risks involved he fully understood and said it was all good, he's not the type of lad to try and go behind our backs so i have faith that he will do the right thing.

As for the wife and i, well, i will be honest and say that in reflection i definately over reacted to the situation, but to be fair, i lost a sister at 15 to a reckless driver, almost lost my daughter to a reckless driver 7 months ago and obviously my first reaction was to baulk at the idea.
After a good chat we are all on the same page and she can understand where im coming from, you never know until it happens to you and i couldnt believe she hadnt learnt from our recent near miss.

Thanks again.

Yes, one car missed a turn, and got seperated. But this was on a freeway with 4 or so exits in a row, which can be difficult to navigate if you dont know the roads, completely different to sleepy old SA (where theres only 1 road in and out). Theres still no explination as to why the car left the road in the first place...

Just keep in mind, you're basically painting all young people with the same brush, based on the experience of one moron! There are other ways to approach the situation without having to flatly say NO (like i suggested before, meet the friends and see how they drive), but also, listen to your kid. Ask him about his friends driving. If he's learnt about the responsibilities of driving like i assume, he'll be honest with you about it (such as if his friends cant drive for ****, or they use their phones while driving etc). I know of many 16/17/18yo's who are much better drivers than people with 20years experience on them!

Personally i'd be more worried about other drivers on the road than the 4 friends, and if you start playing bubblewrap, well you've already lost ;)

[The Yeti]

Originally Posted by XR.1967

Bent 8 My 2c
I think one of the best things you could purchase is a dash camera.
Fit it to the car he will be in and it will be like your in the car..
You know if your out of site your out of there mind..
But if they know there being filmed and your going to watch it back they will behave better..
If the young bloke driving the car doesn't want it in there then you don't want your child in there..

To the OP.
I'm glad your daughter was not hurt.
There wasn't much you could have done but gorn with your gut..
Don't beat yourself up just go with the gut feeling next time..
Good luck to all parents raising your kids..

There are quite a few different products around typically designed for the transport industry, but you can fit almost any number of cameras (I know one that even has a camera on the driver so if theres an accident they can reply the front rear and driver in the lead up to the accident.

They even use speed limits and notify the driver if they exceed the speed limit and notify the supervisor if there are continual breaches

I'm not suggesting you go to these extremes but the products are out there

a mate of mine agreed to buy his son a car when he got his P's under 1 condition

That there be 2 dash cam's one facing forward one facing backwards and that these would be checked regularly

He checked them for a little while, then got board, now he just brings them in and pretends to check them. and relies on the fact that they live in a small town and every one knows every one so if little Johnny is driving like an idiot word will get back and fast

Its worked so far in that one of my mates employees dobbed on the young bloke for speeding and driving like a dick with his mates in the car, so he actually checked the footage and hauled him over the coals for it so far there haven't been any other incidents

[nuthin' fancy]

Bent,

As parents, our path is to worry until we die (hopefully before our kids). You make a judgment call about risk vs kid's desire to get out and about in the world.

You are lucky that you have a second chance, it was a close call but it was bound to happen. There is no point in beating yourself up.

John

[MrEL]

Simple.
New rule to be bought into the house.
When something gets asked that's a tough question reply to the kids "Your mother/father and I will discuss it and let you know"
Stops either of you being put on the spot or played off against each other and you will both be on the same page.
Concerns , differences of opinion can then be discussed between your wife and yourself without the kids around.
Thats how my olds did it and im still alive.