What's your best/worst joke?

[trick_xd]

Mating.
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of
breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times
last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign
that**said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You
could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
This
bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said,
That's once a day. you could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was
with
the same cow every time.
(The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable. He
should be able to eat soft foods in a week, and is expected to make a
full recovery.)

[trick_xd]

Cyber Sex !!!!

How to succeed with women, virtually online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as “cybersex’’. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you’ll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again maybe he does…………

Wellhung: Hello, sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt & high heels. I work out everyday, I’m toned & perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3’’ & 250 pounds. I wear glasses & I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought from walmart. I’m also wearing a t.shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…..it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: ok

Sweetheart: we’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo & candles on my dresser & night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works it’s way down to your crotch & begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt& kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse & sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling & rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidently rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s ok, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising & falling, as I breathe harder & harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand & kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How do you do that? I’m picking up the bra & inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit & phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: ok. I’m pulling your sweat pants down & rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in & out nibbling on you…..umm……wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you ok?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There that’s better.
Sweetheart: come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tugging your pants off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: Ok, but I can’t see very well without them. I place them on the nighttable.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way across the room toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom & it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but can’t find it. Uh-oh.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realised that I’ve peed in your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes Come on.

Wellhung: ok, now I’m going to put my…you know…thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m topuching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Ummm, I’m having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my *** back & forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up & turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses & see what’s wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling around along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames & your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting my shoes on.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. MY GOD! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to Hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire ! oh nooooooo!

Sweetheart: { logged off }

[trick_xd]

Affairs
A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day,their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house,where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 PM. As the man threw on his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through
the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped
into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his
wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been
having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife
glanced down at his shoes and said,"You lying bastard! You've been playing
golf!".

The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two
stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one
last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife
finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine
months later. The Joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the
father of that Child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then
he gave her a stern ook and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair
A mortician was working late
one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before They were sent
off to be buried or cremated. As he Examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who
was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the
mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously
huge private part like this. It has to be saved for
posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead
man's member. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh
my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!

The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with
talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as
he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one
for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they
went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks,"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak,
with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money. "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the
bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The
bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his
business."

The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying.
His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held
his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from
his slumber. He looked up and his pale life began to move slightly. "Becky
my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He
was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in
peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[trick_xd]

Why Engineers should not believe in Santa









1. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in

the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,

Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for

Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the

Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5

children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming

that there is at least one good child in each.



2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the

different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he

travels East to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7

visits per second.



This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,

Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out,

jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, and distribute the

remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left

for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to

the next house.



Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed

around the earth. (Which, of course, we know to be false, but will

accept for the purposes of our calculations). We are now talking

about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles,

not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is

moving at 650 miles per second -3,000 times the speed of sound. For

purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses

space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional

reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.



3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego

set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not

counting Santa himself.



On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that the reindeer could pull ten times the normal

amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa

would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting

the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times

the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).



4. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous

air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion

as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of

reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second

each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,

exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms

in their wake.



The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of

a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his

trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of

accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mph in .001 seconds, would be

subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa

(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the

sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and

organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink-goo.



5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

[trick_xd]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the
floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge
enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is
surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this
to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns
to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make
hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman
rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy
says: "Help
yourself to any prize from the bottom
shelf."

[jzab]

q. What's brown and sticky?
a. A stick.

q. What do you call a girl who sets fire to all her bills?
a: Bernadette

q. How many male chauvinists does it take to wallpaper a womens liberationist's office?
a. It depends on how thinly you slice them.

q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
a. Two, one to get the camel and the other to fill the bath with custard.

[svo347]

Ok since this is an ADULT site, requiring you to register etc..
Whats the most sensitive part of the body when you are having a ****????

Your ears listening for footsteps..

[trick_xd]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get
to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take
my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ***
and shout, "WHO'S HORNY??"..." and she acts like she is asleep every
time.

[trick_xd]

How to treat a Woman



It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:



1. A friend



2. A companion



3. A lover



4. A brother



5. A father



6. A master



7. A chef



8. An electrician



9. A carpenter



10. A plumber



11. A mechanic



12. A decorator



13. A stylist



14. A sexologist



15. A gynaecologists



16. A psychologist



17. A pest exterminator



18. A psychiatrist



19. A healer



20. A good listener



21. An organiser



22. A good father



23. Very clean



24. Sympathetic



25. Athletic



26. Warm



27. Attentive



28. Gallant



29. Intelligent



30. Funny



31. Creative



32. Tender



33. Strong



34. Understanding



35. Tolerant



36. Prudent



37. Ambitious



38. Capable



39. Courageous



40. Determined



41. True



42. Dependable



43. Passionate




WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:



44. Give her compliments regularly



45. Love shopping



46. Be honest



47. Be very rich



48. Not stress her out



49. Not look at other girls




IN ADDITION, YOU MUST:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself



51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes



53. It is very important that you never forget:



* Birthdays



* Anniversaries



* Arrangements she makes






HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:



1. Shag him



2. Leave him in peace

[trick_xd]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
"You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car."

[trick_xd]

An Australian Love Story


The fair dinkum, true-blue, ocka luv yarn....


Daryl is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day,

when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself

off. Daryl slams on the brakes and yells,

"Shazza what in the blazes d'ya think ya doin'?"


Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'Day Daryl.
You got me pregnant, so now I'm gunna kill meself".



Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Shazza", he

says......... "Fair dinkum love, not only are ya a top root, but
you're a

real sport too!"........ and drives off..........

[rodderz]

lol..... Trick XD comes up trumps with the pearlers once again!

[trick_xd]

This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitchhiking, on a very
dark night and in the middle of a storm.

The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could
hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without
thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realised there
was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming
his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand
appears through the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they
get to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest
town.

Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for 2 shots of whiskey, and
starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't
drunk.

About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to
the other. "Look Bill, there's the '****er' that got in the car while we
were pushing it!"

[trick_xd]

A squad of Marines drove up the highway between Basra and Baghdad.
They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine
in a similar state, but he was alert.

As first aid was given to both men, they asked the injured Marine
what happened.

The Marine responded, "I was heavily armed and moving north along
the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"I told him Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of crap and then
the Iraqi told me that Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy, John Kerry and
Bill Clinton were miserable pieces of crap!"

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"We were shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[trick_xd]

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

[trick_xd]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as

well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch .
______________________________________________

[trick_xd]

A couple were invited to a s****y family masked fancy dress Halloween
party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was
no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his
costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband
didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by
watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife
went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as
far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really
silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with
unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my
costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[trick_xd]

Telephone conversation goes:

Hello, is this the police?
Yes it is. How can we help you?"
I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine
inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in greatnumbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they dont find any cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.
Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
Yeah!"
Did they chop up your firewood?"
Yep."

Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!

[CAMS290]

Q) Do you smoke after intercourse ?

A) I dont know, i have never looked

[bindi]

Originally Posted by trick_xd

"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

EWW EEWWWWW EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Excellent, I'm now off in search of a cd we burned ages ago... nothing but email jokes on them

[trick_xd]

lol
i think i could nealy fill a c.d with jokes and joke pics
let me know if you want me to keep posting jokes
i seem to be about the only 1 lol
Cheers

[Paris Hilton]

Originally Posted by trick_xd

lol
i think i could nealy fill a c.d with jokes and joke pics
let me know if you want me to keep posting jokes
i seem to be about the only 1 lol
Cheers

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes and pics too!

[lukey]

An inflatable boy is at his inflatable school, sitting in class a bit bored, he runs out of class. Walking down the hallway, his inflatable principal is approaching him. Worrying about being questioned the inflatable boy pulls out a knife and stabs the principal deflating him. He runs out of the school and turns around, lets out his anger and stabs the school, deflating it. He runs home to his inflatable house and goes upstairs to his room and locks the door. A few hours later, his mum comes home and comes knocking on the door with the inflatable police. Not knowing what to do, he pulls out a knife and stabs himself. He walks up a few hours later in the hospital, looks around and sees his deflated principal on the bed next to him. More upset then angry, the principal says to him,"You've let me down, you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."

[bindi]

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to
his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $10 million of it..................Wooooooohooooo !"

"That's great Darling!” she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the
mountains?"

"Who cares," he replies, "Just f**k off!"

[bindi]

A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 250kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[XR8GRL]

http://www.fordforums.com.au/showthread.php?t=2421

[bindi]

Mods, if this is too rude, feel free to delete it. I just thought ppl would enjoy this joke

OK!!! Easily offended ppl and ppl under 18 LOOK AWAY NOW :evil_laug :evil_laug

If the Cosmopolitan adviser was a man

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man.

This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Cosmo
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner.

Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to
his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets.

To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present .... and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

[bindi]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

"Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I get its pyjamas off."

[Simmo]

a mother and her son are eating in dinner in a nice restaurant when the son starts choking. she screams for help and a waiter runs over and tries to apply the heimlich manoever. the kid continues to choke no matter how hard the waiter tries. desparate the mother asks everyone in the place if they can help. a small balding man in a cheap suit walks over to the kid, studies him for a second and grabs his tightly by the balls. the mother runs over to help her son but he coughs up the piece of food in an instant. she thanks the man profusely but asks him why his method worked when the heimlich method didnt? the small man replies 'i work for the tax office'.

[Kenaz]

Q. Why does a golfer wear two pair of pants?

A. Incase he gets a hole in one

Sorry :