What jokes do you know?

[FGII-XR6]

People say I'm politically incorrect.
I think all politicians are lying, self-centered scumbags - that's correct isn't it?

[FGII-XR6]

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods..

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On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

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On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

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On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

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On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well... duh, a bit late, huh!)

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On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(.... and you thought????...)

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On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(... I'm taking this because???....)

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On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only.."

(as opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

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On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

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On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)

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On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."

(Oh my God.. was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[FGII-XR6]

sweet revenge

[FGII-XR6]

An interesting statistic on the Iraq engagement

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U. S. involvement in
Iraq,
here's a sobering statistic:

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of
operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths.

That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The firearm
death rate in Washington D. C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same
period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the
U. S. Capital than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U. S. should pull out of Washington

[FGII-XR6]

How do these people survive?

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have
an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the
counter. 'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a
half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my
head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned
all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me,
'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I
don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need
some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery
to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No,
just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette,
by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher
tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother
says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to
emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

[Fev]

hahaha love the last one

[homegrown]

A blonde takes her car to a crash repair shop to fix a couple of dings in her car. The mechanic taking the p... out of her told her to blow into the end of the exhaust pipe and the dents will pop out. So she takes her car home and starts blowing into the exhaust. Her blonde friend comes out and yells out "What are doing? you can't blow them dents out like that you need to wind the windows up first"

[homegrown]

On that note thats why Irish blondes walk around with burnt lips, Trying to blow start there cars.

[homegrown]

Thats not very fair here's some for the wogs (welcomed overseas guests)

How do stop a wog from talking?
Tie up his hands

Why do wogs have necklaces?
So they know where to stop shaving.

How do you teach a wog to wear his jocks properly?
Yellow to the front, brown to the back.

Greeks invented sex, italians introduced it to woman.

[DJR-351]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his
driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the
lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."
"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
said:
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass
is almost a foot tall."

[DJR-351]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of death.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table - were hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the
sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Leave them alone" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Burnout]

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of
the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only
be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine
the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic
balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures
differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the
twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It
is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact
the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary
items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
is an unhappy customer.

[homegrown]

Told this one to my Maths teacher today, he loved it.

How do you teach a blonde Maths?
Subtract her clothes,
Split her legs,
Square root her,
And watch her multiply.

[onfire]

Hey, did you hear, two of the contestants from the Biggest Loser had a baby together? Yeah, they said it was 8 pounds and delicious.

[GMACK24]

Knock Knock

(who's there)

Orange

(Orange who)

Orange you glad you found Fordforums.com.au ! !

HA HA HA

[Charliewool]

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, he returns to the bar looking just as frustrated. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the silly horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!"

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[Spitfire 6.2]

I was walking through the cemetary this morning and saw a bloke squating next to a grave. I said "morning" He said "No mate, just takin a crap!" Can you believe some people? :voldar02:

[Charliewool]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A 2 litre bottle of skim milk
A carton of eggs
A litre of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 700g jar of coffee
A 1kg of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."


I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.


I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're so damn ugly."

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by charliewool

"you're so damn ugly."

Ho, Hum! Sad, but true!

[Burnout]

A young woman in Brisbane was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself off the Gateway Bridge. She went to the Bridge and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a
trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Moreton Island Ferry."

[Fev]

oldies but goodies

[homegrown]

What do you call a prostitute on amphetamines?

Speed Hump!

[homegrown]

What the difference between a social worker and a Pitbull?
You get your kid back from the pitbull.

The hardest thing about sex change?
Sewing in the anchovies.

[Iggypoppin']

This one will stump you all

How do you turn a duck into an African American blues singer? Put it in the oven till it's Bill Whithers...

[homegrown]

What are test tube babies most scared of?
Dingoes with straws!

[homegrown]

Why havn't woman gone to the moon yet?
Because it doesn't need cleaning.

[homegrown]

One for the woman.

The head nun was giving a speach to her peer nuns.
"Now no matter what happens Do Not succumb to half an hour of pleasure ..."
When the other nun interupts,
"How do make it last half an hour!"

[homegrown]

A nun was having a shower when she hears a ring at the front door bell. She yells out who is it"
"Its the blind man"
Being the nice woman she is, went to attend the front door and thought well if he can't see wont worry about spending time getting dressed.
As she answered the front door the blind man said,
"Here's your curtains you wanted, by the way nice tits.

[homegrown]

Some for the kids.

How do you stop the dog barking in your front yard?
Put it in the back yard.

What has 18 wheels and flys?
A garbage truck.

[pauljh74]

Research has shown women generally have far cleaner minds than men. I'm not really surprised. Let's face it, they change them every five bloody minutes of the day!
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Breast size is a lot like Coke and Pepsi. Men have a preference but will take whatever's on tap. As long as it's not flat.