What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

A man in Wollies tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce
assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man
persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager
about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.' As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Collingwood, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Collingwood?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Collingwood.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[FGII-XR6]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's an d put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that
you didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[FGII-XR6]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor
creature ?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right awa y Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?

[FGII-XR6]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times..'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: I'm telling everybody who'll listen.

[Burnout]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court,
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details,' the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road --"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told
the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in
the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I
was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol'
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman
came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,
'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[Riksta]

I like anti-jokes:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a
bridge?
She wasclinically depressed and took her own life because ofher terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' The otherman replies: 'Yes, she
has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind abush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.

Why do the call it the xbox 360?
That is the name given to it by the consoles developer Microsoft

What did the farmer say when he lost his cow?
-Wheres my cow?

one cloud rolled up to the other cloud and said nothing because clouds don't talk.

What's green and has 4 wheels?
grass, i lied about the wheels.

What did batman say to get robin into the batmobile?
robin, get in the car.

A rabbi, a priest, and a baptist minister went out to play a game of golf.
In spite of the differences between their faiths, they are long time friends and often go out to play golf together.

have you heard the one about the dog with no legs?
it was put to death to stop its suffering.

Why did the little girl fall of the swing?
She had no arms.

Did you hear the joke about the deaf man?
No, neither did he.

[XA373]

BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! all of these are funny as.

[homegrown]

Why does a blonde smile when there's lightning?
Because she thinks she getting her photo taken.

What does a blonde do when she is cold?
Sits around a candle.
What does she do when its really cold?
Lights it.

[homegrown]

What is the ultimate rejection?
When your hand falls asleep.

[Auslandau]

Dear, Dad.

It is both with joy and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothing and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad - she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Ted.

PS - Actually, I'm over at Tom's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.



| [/url] |

[RSgerry]

My wife was crushed to death by a steamroller.

It took me a while to get over her.

[gtfpv]

Originally Posted by silvergsvan

*immature rubbish*

THATS SICK MATE . I'M REPORTING THAT.

[burnz]

man i'm quick at doing jigsaw puzzles, it only took me 6 months.
the box said 4~6 years.

[Burnout]

This was sent around from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the
guest's complaints during the season.

"Some people should not be allowed to go on holiday!!!!!"
(Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA)

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the
local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger
nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the
afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this
should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that
almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we
had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a
waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the
sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel
"inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd
been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not
disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.
Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too
thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday
was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a
street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi
drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."
16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it
only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'.
We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks
Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or
unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in
a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the
room that we booked."

[balthazarr]

The big day had finally arrived. He was the new CEO of a multi-billion dollar, multi-national company. He’d never been a CEO, so it was an exciting and nerve wracking time for him.

He spotted the outgoing CEO as he was leaving the retirement party and approached him for some advice.

‘I’ve never been a CEO before, do you have any advice for me?’

The retiring CEO reached into his jacket pocket and handed him three envelopes, marked with the numbers 1, 2 and 3 respectively.

‘Here are three envelopes with words of wisdom and advice. Keep them safe and use them wisely. Open them one at a time in numbered order, and only in case of extreme emergency.’ And with that, he was gone.

He was tempted to open the envelopes then and there, but thought better of it.

The next day, he settled into the task of running the company. At first, things were running smoothly. Being a CEO was a piece of cake! Long lunches (paid for by the company, of course), overseas junkets, day-long golf games… the dream job. The weeks were flying by.

Like all dreams, it wasn’t to last. The company’s share price was tanking, sales were dwindling, it was looking grim. No matter what the CEO tried, he couldn’t turn around the fortunes of the company.

One night, after long meetings trying to formulate a plan to save the company, he spotted the three envelopes in his office safe.

At first, he was reluctant to open the first envelope. The former CEO had said only to open them in case of extreme emergency. What could be more dire than the company collapsing, he thought?

His hands trembled slightly as he tore open the first envelope. It contained a piece of paper with three simple words written on it - ‘Blame your predecessor’.

Brilliant! After all the meetings, all the plans, these three simple words would surely turn things around.

The next morning, he called a press conference.

The press conference was short. He acknowledged the company’s problems, but assured investors, regulators and the company’s customers that all of the problems were caused by his predecessor, and that he was working hard to rectify those mistakes and take the company to new heights.

It worked like a charm. The share price regained its former highs, sales were through the roof - everyone was happy, especially the CEO.

Crisis averted, the CEO gave himself a pat on the back.

Weeks turned into months and, once again, things were looking grim. Worse than before. The shares had hit rock bottom, sales were even worse than before. Nothing he tried worked. No matter how many meetings he held, things would not look up.

He thought about the remaining envelopes. The last time, the advice was spot on - but there were only two left. Dire emergency, he’d said. Once again, he bit the bullet and opened envelope number 2… ‘Blame the market’

These envelopes were brilliant! Why hadn’t he thought of that? Of course it was the market.

Again, he called a press conference. He explained that times were tough, the market was down, but the company was strong and his leadership would see them through.

As if by magic, customers returned in droves and the share price was pushed higher than ever. Once again, the envelopes had saved the day.

But it wasn’t to last. As the months ticked by, the company was facing its worst crisis yet, it was now on the brink of liquidation.

What was he to do? Nothing he tried had any effect. He knew that the envelope would save the day, but he only had one left.

He had to open it, surely it would tell him what he needed to do to save the company - for good this time.

His hands shook as he carefully broke the seal and removed the paper inside.

As before, it had three words written on it…
‘Prepare three envelopes’

[ltd]

If a mexican wave at the football is called a wave, would the same by a group of midgets be called a ripple?

[ltd]

How does a blonde spell FARM?
E-I-E-I-O

[flappist]

Originally Posted by ltd

How does a blonde spell FARM?
E-I-E-I-O

Old MacDonald was dyslexic O-E-I-I-E.......

[Burnout]

On with the fun then:

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair.
His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be
the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he
could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great
job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to
change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

[deesun]

Thank you Burnedout :

[FGII-XR6]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his
bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission
parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann
's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care
of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment
........................

Father O'Malley then replied ...

''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of
kin.''

[FGII-XR6]

Winner of "Joke of the Year 2009"

Two women were sitting together, quietly!

[FGII-XR6]

are you gay?

[FGII-XR6]

why the ban drag racing on the street

[FGII-XR6]

jacko at the pearly gates

[wbb54]

Confusius says: Man who runs behind car will be exhausted.. :

He also says: " man who stands on toilet will have shitty time"

Did you hear about the blonde who wanted to waterski...........................
She did'nt.... she could'nt find a lake with a slope. :

[vztrt]

Originally Posted by wbb54

Confusius says: Man who runs behind car will be exhausted.. :

He also says: " man who stands on toilet will have shitty time"

He also say: man with hands down pants feeling co*ky.

[wbb54]

2 old ladies are on the bus..
1st one says: " have you heard about these new super strong panty hose from built tuff, they are great."
" yes " said the other " I've got a pair from target, the only trouble.. when I fart I loose my shoes"

[AndrewR_AUII]

And also: man who have fling on inner spring have offspring next spring.

[wbb54]

And there's this blonde who brought back a scarff she bought because it was too tight :