Depression, Anxiety

[DFB FGXR6]

I'm back under the shade of the dark clouds.

I have severe moments of dread with pretty much everything, sometimes even activities I usually love. I find myself hiding away in the confines of my home, hiding away from people, hiding away from showing my pain. The act of hiding is generally know to continue fueling the internal dialog, I'm pointless, I'm a failure, I'm weak, no one would notice if I was no longer around but that is where I'm at. I find everything to be an effort and I feel like I want to just quit everything and disappear for a while, un-announced. I feel like a winger typing this. Life has to better than this?

[T3rminator]

Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6

I'm back under the shade of the dark clouds.

I have severe moments of dread with pretty much everything, sometimes even activities I usually love. I find myself hiding away in the confines of my home, hiding away from people, hiding away from showing my pain. The act of hiding is generally know to continue fueling the internal dialog, I'm pointless, I'm a failure, I'm weak, no one would notice if I was no longer around but that is where I'm at. I find everything to be an effort and I feel like I want to just quit everything and disappear for a while, un-announced. I feel like a winger typing this. Life has to better than this?

Whats the trigger? Do you find that you are getting somewhere, then start feeling afraid or anxious or guilty because you are feeling good? LOTS of people do this. If so, listen to the episode on Self Sabotage on the audio I gave you.

[DFB FGXR6]

Originally Posted by T3rminator

Whats the trigger? Do you find that you are getting somewhere, then start feeling afraid or anxious or guilty because you are feeling good? LOTS of people do this. If so, listen to the episode on Self Sabotage on the audio I gave you.

I don't think so. And I would say a couple of key triggers that I'm keeping to myself.

Today I was called into the bosses office, me expecting to be brought into line or warned (I cant hide it any more). Instead I was offered a promotion and pay rise. Any normal person would be delighted by this, most would probably thank the person, smile and walk out feeling good about themselves. I nodded, told him what he wanted to hear, but I couldn't get out of there fast enough, I simply just don't care. Nor do I think I deserve the promotion, or the praise. I so tired, physically and mentally.

[buggerlugs]

Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6

I don't think so. And I would say a couple of key triggers that I'm keeping to myself.

Today I was called into the bosses office, me expecting to be brought into line or warned (I cant hide it any more). Instead I was offered a promotion and pay rise. Any normal person would be delighted by this, most would probably thank the person, smile and walk out feeling good about themselves. I nodded, told him what he wanted to hear, but I couldn't get out of there fast enough, I simply just don't care. Nor do I think I deserve the promotion, or the praise. I so tired, physically and mentally.

One of my customers has got an amazing and very profitable Macadamia Farm up here. But he has also got the black dog and Bi Polar. Selling the whole lot, will probably bring in 20 million but won't make him happy. I reckon he'd give the lot away to get his head right...............

[slowsnake]

It's so very easy to get lost in your own thoughts and in particular imaginings, that's the worst part, imagination seeming to come to life right inside of you but it's not really anything at all.
And I am only talking of my experiences not anyone else's but my own "down bits" my view of our world, which is of course subjective and can't be anything else!

But me being me, well I try to find the cause or triggers and I hit em head on, I force myself to face my own misgivings and fears ��
It's not easy or quick, but again this is about me not anyone else in my life or on this forum, in reality my situation is bloody dire, I really am done like a dog's dinner right now, I will not get any better, I will only go further downhill, but it just does not matter to me, I am very happy and have accepted my demise, but what choice do I have, stand and fight ( which I am doing ) or lay down and say woe is me, well I took that off the table, I decided that I will accept all my short comings, and go with what life has in store for me, what do you do, I was given a choice and chose life, but life my way, life were I pull the strings!

Meditation is my saving grace, and I don't have to sit any special position, that's crap, I am meditating now, subconsciously, Samartha meditation, the Lord Buddha's meditation, well it worked for him?
And I do a type of yoga, but not physical yoga but a breathing yoga, and it works, I am doing it subconsciously too, my life is sh.t but it's a happy life, nothing bothers me too much now, I only worry about others problems, mine are nicely tucked away, put in a place that only I have access to!

I hope anyone whose life is upside down works out how to reverse it!
Not easy, but far from impossible, and doctors don't know how to help unless you tell em everything, and choose who you tell your sh.t to.
Be happy everyone, and don't forget it's Armistice Day!.

[blueoval]

Thinking of all my fellow friends here. Thanks for checking up on me.

Just take one day at time and forget about what happens tomorrow.

My update goes like this:
Im refusing to feel guilty for doing the right thing. Im refusing to feel shame because I have brought to light the lies and deceit of certain family members doings. I refuse to feel remorse over helping certain members of my family without the blessing of other family members.

Without saying too much more, I have a Probate court hearing to attend over my late fathers estate. I'm not the one fighting it. But I am in the middle of it being a beneficiary. I know my dad would be rolling in his grave knowing what he had worked hard for since being divorced from my mother for the last 20yrs is going to be chewed by lawyers and legal fees.

Ive had to block family members now because I refused to take sides and I have been the recipient of verbal abuse and now have been cast out.

Happy to chat with anyone via PM.

[FTE217]

Good for you blueoval refusing to take sides.
You have nothing to feel guilty for taking the fair road.
All the best keep smiling your being the gracious family member period.

[slowsnake]

You haven't been cast out blue oval, you have been set free!...

[DFB FGXR6]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Thinking of all my fellow friends here. Thanks for checking up on me.

Just take one day at time and forget about what happens tomorrow.

My update goes like this:
Im refusing to feel guilty for doing the right thing. Im refusing to feel shame because I have brought to light the lies and deceit of certain family members doings. I refuse to feel remorse over helping certain members of my family without the blessing of other family members.

Without saying too much more, I have a Probate court hearing to attend over my late fathers estate. I'm not the one fighting it. But I am in the middle of it being a beneficiary. I know my dad would be rolling in his grave knowing what he had worked hard for since being divorced from my mother for the last 20yrs is going to be chewed by lawyers and legal fees.

Ive had to block family members now because I refused to take sides and I have been the recipient of verbal abuse and now have been cast out.

Happy to chat with anyone via PM.

At the end of the day, you must do what you fairly believe is right for you.

I have just finished listening to an audio book, the author is by no means a mental health professional but well versed in dealing with his own troubles. In one section, the author describes how he has always been very passive in dealing with the wants and needs of others, often at his own detriment. He explains how everyone, either consciously or unconsciously, is always looking out themselves, it’s a basic human survival trait. His realization was that it was about time he started thinking about what he wanted, not in a selfish way, but in a way that gives himself peace of mind and balance.

I tend to fall into this trait, saying yes to everyone and everything to follow the path of least resistance. “Can you work for me tomorrow, I have a function to attend”……….. “yes, that’s fine”………. Meanwhile I miss out on seeing my sister for her birthday…………….. and so on and so. In the process, I’m depriving myself of what suits me, what I want to do, what I want to achieve, an exhausting thought process that becomes a drain on a persons love for life.

It’s a hard stop this train of thought, to stop saying YES to everyone but yourself. I’m getting better at it as I get older, but I think there is merit in not being afraid to say no and in the process saying yes to yourself.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6

At the end of the day, you must do what you fairly believe is right for you.

I have just finished listening to an audio book, the author is by no means a mental health professional but well versed in dealing with his own troubles. In one section, the author describes how he has always been very passive in dealing with the wants and needs of others, often at his own detriment. He explains how everyone, either consciously or unconsciously, is always looking out themselves, it’s a basic human survival trait. His realization was that it was about time he started thinking about what he wanted, not in a selfish way, but in a way that gives himself peace of mind and balance.

I tend to fall into this trait, saying yes to everyone and everything to follow the path of least resistance. “Can you work for me tomorrow, I have a function to attend”……….. “yes, that’s fine”………. Meanwhile I miss out on seeing my sister for her birthday…………….. and so on and so. In the process, I’m depriving myself of what suits me, what I want to do, what I want to achieve, an exhausting thought process that becomes a drain on a persons love for life.

It’s a hard stop this train of thought, to stop saying YES to everyone but yourself. I’m getting better at it as I get older, but I think there is merit in not being afraid to say no and in the process saying yes to yourself.

Some good points there mate. I can see this happening with me by being a bit of a whipping boy and not speaking up louder when I saw injustice happening. Never really thought I needed to stand up to people whom I thought had my back, in this case, family.

[DFB FGXR6]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Some good points there mate. I can see this happening with me by being a bit of a whipping boy and not speaking up louder when I saw injustice happening. Never really thought I needed to stand up to people whom I thought had my back, in this case, family.

I have been in that situation before. At the end of the day, family members are people too and they still have the "me first" mentality. I'm not typing this in a malicious or nasty way, it's just human nature. There comes a point where everyone reaches a limit to the yes yes yes and stands their ground. It doesn't make you narcissistic or selfish, it makes you human.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6

I have been in that situation before. At the end of the day, family members are people too and they still have the "me first" mentality. I'm not typing this in a malicious or nasty way, it's just human nature. There comes a point where everyone reaches a limit to the yes yes yes and stands their ground. It doesn't make you narcissistic or selfish, it makes you human.

I guess trying to look out for family members at the sacrifice of my own self worth was always at the forefront. But you are right, eventually something has to give and I have been pushed to my limit.

Sadly though its meant I have been accused of the very things these others have been doing themselves. Hypocrisy at it's finest.

[DFB FGXR6]

Originally Posted by blueoval

I guess trying to look out for family members at the sacrifice of my own self worth was always at the forefront. But you are right, eventually something has to give and I have been pushed to my limit.

Sadly though its meant I have been accused of the very things these others have been doing themselves. Hypocrisy at it's finest.

Hang in there. Misunderstandings with family members can be messy to deal with, the cliched saying "time heals all wounds" is true in this case.

I have a strong hatred for Hypocrisy. I am a very black and white person, most likely to my own detriment, but if someone tells me something and then does the complete opposite, then I will have a hard time respecting that person.

[slowsnake]

Everything mentioned in the last 4 or 5 posts could be me, easily be me or my friends who are like me, and like does attract like minded people, my late Mother was a hypocrite, its hard to say that, but she was " do as I say not as I do" type of person, worst of all she was a "God botherer" the worst type of hypocrisy in fact, never understood her logic or lack of normal logic, screwed around with my head that sh.t, very dangerous people, just get rid of that stuff out of your life, it's never too late!

[Giant Cranium]

Originally Posted by slowsnake

Everything mentioned in the last 4 or 5 posts could be me, easily be me or my friends who are like me, and like does attract like minded people, my late Mother was a hypocrite, its hard to say that, but she was " do as I say not as I do" type of person, worst of all she was a "God botherer" the worst type of hypocrisy in fact, never understood her logic or lack of normal logic, screwed around with my head that sh.t, very dangerous people, just get rid of that stuff out of your life, it's never too late!

my mother in law is like that, im now completely done with her, the straw was not coming to my dads funeral 2 weeks ago because of a disagreement she had with my mum in 1998. had no concept that she would be there to support her daughter who lost an awesome father in law

[DFB FGXR6]

Originally Posted by Giant Cranium

my mother in law is like that, im now completely done with her, the straw was not coming to my dads funeral 2 weeks ago because of a disagreement she had with my mum in 1998. had no concept that she would be there to support her daughter who lost an awesome father in law

I have witnessed similar behavior from deeply religious members within our family. Without getting political, I know how you feel.

[blueoval]

Without steering this thread off course, I will say I am trying to be a spiritual person (Christian) but not necessarily a religious one because I believe there is a difference in how you act.

Part of me is trying to be a better person from all of this, but the human in me feels broken because of the situation.

Mentally and emotionally I know I have a long way to go before this is all over. So I will continue to find some solace in knowing I have done all I can to be the better person.

[slowsnake]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Without steering this thread off course, I will say I am trying to be a spiritual person (Christian) but not necessarily a religious one because I believe there is a difference in how you act.

Part of me is trying to be a better person from all of this, but the human in me feels broken because of the situation.

Mentally and emotionally I know I have a long way to go before this is all over. So I will continue to find some solace in knowing I have done all I can to be the better person.

The hardest task in the world blueoval is saying "No"
It's an excruciatingly difficult thing to do, and the worst part?..the person you want to say "No" to is well aware that you are an easy mark because you are a decent, honest and agreeable person, and, you have a conscience!......

[CoupeKing]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Without steering this thread off course, I will say I am trying to be a spiritual person (Christian) but not necessarily a religious one because I believe there is a difference in how you act.

Part of me is trying to be a better person from all of this, but the human in me feels broken because of the situation.

Mentally and emotionally I know I have a long way to go before this is all over. So I will continue to find some solace in knowing I have done all I can to be the better person.

Life doesn't get easier, the individual just gets better.

Keep grinding.

[blueoval]

Thanks everyone. It's helped knowing I wasn't going out of my mind thinking it was ME who was in the wrong. That said, I think I will always be saddened knowing that there are family members who I was close to that have now turned their back on doing the right thing and as a result, turned their back on me. I pity them.

[slowsnake]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Thanks everyone. It's helped knowing I wasn't going out of my mind thinking it was ME who was in the wrong. That said, I think I will always be saddened knowing that there are family members who I was close to that have now turned their back on doing the right thing and as a result, turned their back on me. I pity them.

F..k em!

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by slowsnake

F..k em!

I know thats the easy approach to take Billy, but I'm not one to burn and run. I will always give people the benefit of the doubt if they change. It may be a sign of weakness but that's just who I am.

[Itsme]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Thanks everyone. It's helped knowing I wasn't going out of my mind thinking it was ME who was in the wrong. That said, I think I will always be saddened knowing that there are family members who I was close to that have now turned their back on doing the right thing and as a result, turned their back on me. I pity them.

Have been in your shoes with your family situation where I now have nothing to do with my family anymore, hurts like hell being in this situation but with support from my children and wife I have moved on for the better.
I truly hope you find your way....cheers.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by Itsme

Have been in your shoes with your family situation where I now have nothing to do with my family anymore, hurts like hell being in this situation but with support from my children and wife I have moved on for the better.
I truly hope you find your way....cheers.

I appreciate it. Having my wife and extended family have helped in this regard. We all want peace, but somehow that peace seems to be evading us.

[FTE217]

Originally Posted by blueoval

I know thats the easy approach to take Billy, but I'm not one to burn and run. I will always give people the benefit of the doubt if they change. It may be a sign of weakness but that's just who I am.

correct mate, for some of us its not as easy as black and white, walk away and they don't enter your mind.
For many years I have seen this burden in my wife's heart comign from a fam of 8.
Long storey short (alot to do looking after the parents, power of attorney, selling the ol fam home, putting parents into aged care, the money) she and her eldest have been put through the ringer the last 5yrs to date, in turn it effects our home obviously.
1 sister has been blocked ex communicated long ago But it hurts my wife greatly.
No matter how many abusive SMS's or word of mouth from other siblings my wife has tried to reach out after things cool off not being able to let go only to be abused again and again.
Another brother has caused both of us issues since last Nov and minor things before hasn't had the balls to talk face to face to clear up utter BS.
Another dagger in the heart.
Then another sister is just more probs.
Trouble is she is family through and through and I am the same with mine.
Its what we've instilled in our kids obviously rightly or wrongly some may say for who really wants to endure the internal pain.
Well we do I guess, we always have hope, we tell our kids that also, feel sorry for them for they don't get it.

The brother trouble stems due his new wife, his first was part of the fam for 20yrs.
2 daughters, the ex wife turned feral because he spun lies to cover his infedelity and spun c rap to his girls to make him look that he's ok.
Therefore we have got caught up in his BS spun web.
Now that we have re connected with his ex and girls he's worried about being exposed - not that we care about doing so we're more happier 3 people who were very dear to us in time have "changed" seen the light and admitted their behaviour towards us all was wrong.
Their hurt and obviously lies turned them away from us for years.
Its come full circle and we love them very much and there back.

If we behaved the same and thought to believe in F them look what we would have missed out.
Its also a very good lesson for our 3 grown up kids to see.
I feel sorry for him, his loss.
Same goes for the other 2 sisters behaving as they do, their loss BUT one day it might just change you never know.

[slowsnake]

Originally Posted by blueoval

I know thats the easy approach to take Billy, but I'm not one to burn and run. I will always give people the benefit of the doubt if they change. It may be a sign of weakness but that's just who I am.

It most definitely is not a sign of weakness!
It's a sign of " strength of character " and you are me, but I am now a different me, a wiser me, a sated me, a very happy and content me!

I got rid of the "dross" in my life, I no longer live in purgatory, I now live a free life, free from the shackles of others idea's of who Billy really is, not the person others think I am!

[FoxtrotGolfXray 5.0]

Hey Shav, I've been reading your posts, without commenting because I haven;t been in that situation and therefore feel like I don't have much to contribute in that regard.

However, what I can comment on is how people's actions and attitudes can change so dramatically once money becomes involved.

I understand that it must be very difficult for you, but taking the moral 'high road' so to speak, will be more fulfilling for you in the long run than throwing your principles under the bus to keep the peace when it is most likely (from what you have said) that those people are simply being driven by the prospect of $$$ and have no concern about throwing you under the bus in their pursuit of said money.

Chin up, mate. You ARE doing the right thing.

That also applies to everyone else on here who is struggling at the moment or has struggled with just such a predicament in the past.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by FoxtrotGolfXray 5.0

Hey Shav, I've been reading your posts, without commenting because I haven;t been in that situation and therefore feel like I don't have much to contribute in that regard.

However, what I can comment on is how people's actions and attitudes can change so dramatically once money becomes involved.

I understand that it must be very difficult for you, but taking the moral 'high road' so to speak, will be more fulfilling for you in the long run than throwing your principles under the bus to keep the peace when it is most likely (from what you have said) that those people are simply being driven by the prospect of $$$ and have no concern about throwing you under the bus in their pursuit of said money.

Chin up, mate. You ARE doing the right thing.

That also applies to everyone else on here who is struggling at the moment or has struggled with just such a predicament in the past.

Thanks for the support mate, and to everyone else who has reached out. It means a lot and I feel closer to you blokes whom Ive never met than the people who I considered family at the time.

My dad was a principled person. I know while he would be disgusted at the thought of whats going on, BUT he would have fought tooth and nail to set the record straight.

I have left it all in my sisters hands. Like I said, I never started this proceeding. Sadly being the third respondent, I have to be privy to the doings and while I didnt start this mess, I'm entangled in it. I wish I didnt have to deal with this rubbish. But Im neck deep in it now and have to ride this tidal wave of accusations, legal jargon and bitter twisted family members spite who are hell bent on bringing me down.

I just want to escape and never come back. This could go on for months if not longer. I know the other side are bent on making sure there is nothing left of the estate to make sure nobody gets anything. If that's the outcome then so be it and we can move on with our lives separately.

I can find comfort in knowing though, my conscience is clear and no matter then outcome, I know the truth.

[FTE217]

hehe funny you mention of your Dad.
My father inlaw passed away during the early times of covid (10 only at funeral), we went through hell and back with that as we all do BUT like yours a man of principle and family is family to him.
Whenever there may have been a rackus, a quiet man normally he would stand up and just say, Enough, his 8 kids would shoosh up.
Like yours now what were going through, he would be livid.

Be wary my friend of leaving it all in your sisters hands. I mean in the sense of keeping tabs and being informed and thank her hopefully she one you get along with.
Its so consuming and challenging.
My wife is the main power of attorney with her eldest, OMG the mental anguish it has created on her in turn at home has been so challenging its not funny.
They need someone to let off their frustration/s.
I guess me ol hubby is that outlet.
Walked down the path of divorce probably 4 times over covid and lockdowns.
I knew it was her venting for in the big picture the troubling siblings have caused her rage as humbling as she's trying to be.
I dread the time my mother inlaw pass's, for I know it will be one final massive storm for then its all about the money (mind you with 8 siblings were not talking about alot of $$$ and I've said long ago we don't need it give it/split it to the vultures) and my wife is the b itch having power of attorney, putting the oldies into aged care, having to sell the ol family home the only way to fund it etcetcetc

[DFB FGXR6]

I see a therapist once a month or so. I use these sessions to download my month, to have someone impartial to talk to and to let it all out of my head. Some sessions are great, some not so great. Today was a good one.

I have been seeing this person for 6 years now, I classify it as essential maintenance for my mind. As mentioned, there are times where it just feels like a winging session, others times it can be very constructive.

On regular occasion, there are certain issues that I will have blown out of proportion in my mind, having a different and impartial perspective helps me work through thing those aspects. It has also helped me acknowledge and appreciate the things that are good or I am good at, and being comfortable to celebrate those little victories.

I have also found that my quasi promotion has given me new purpose at work, even if I'm not doing anything different than what I have been doing for years now. I guess it's nice to have some acknowledgement of my work.

For anyone who thinks they need to speak to someone, reach out to your doctor and ask for a mental health assessment, you may be eligible for subsidized appointments.