What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

Queens University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[fordOwner]

Two squirrels were in a bar. One stared at the other and slurred "I SCREWED YOUR MUM!"

The squirrel on the recieving end just ignored him.

Thinking he did not hear him the Squirrel grabbed him by the collar and yelled "I SCREWED YOUR MUM!!!!"

Shaking his head the squirrel replied "Go home dad, your drunk!"

[birdman941]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated,
a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real beech this time.'!

[FGII-XR6]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought
it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings...

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she
gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely
enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

[FGII-XR6]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

[FGII-XR6]

A Blond Joke

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After
sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear
a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it
is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight Lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still want to tell that
blonde
Joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...
not if I'm goanna have to explain it five times.'

[FGII-XR6]

Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of the
West End ...

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every
day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.

Parvinder says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'

Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get £2-3

Habib says.... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign......

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan

[Kamshaaft]

After reading through this thread day to day for the laughs and finding some common themes in your contributions here and elseware on the forums, I get the impression that 'immigrants' make you uncomfortable.

?

[FGII-XR6]

just a joke lighten up I went through my last 2 posts and 2 dealt with ethnic groups I would hardly call that " uncomfortable with immigrants" i am uncomfortable with immature fools who over analyse humor and play the "racist card" for no valid reason if you come to a joke page you will find something that goes against your section of the community at some stage so as I said lighten up

Originally Posted by Kamshaaft

After reading through this thread day to day for the laughs and finding some common themes in your contributions here and elseware on the forums, I get the impression that 'immigrants' make you uncomfortable.

?

[MNM96]

Originally Posted by Kamshaaft

After reading through this thread day to day for the laughs and finding some common themes in your contributions here and elseware on the forums, I get the impression that 'immigrants' make you uncomfortable.

?

After making very little effort to analise all your posts (I only looked at this one), I get the impression that "you got a stick broken off somewhere painful!"

AU3XR6, don't let these near sighted posters stop you spreading the joy!

[FGII-XR6]

A man with a brain tumor is seeing a doctor for a radical new procedure, a brain transplant
the doctor says "I have 2 brains available at the moment I have the brain of a brilliant psychiatrist for $50,000 and the brain of a polititian for $150.000"
the man asks " is the brain of the polititians that much better?"
"of course it is" replys the doctor, "it has never been used"

[pauljh74]

Women say that a man's brain is in his "little head"
In which case, we men often do "brain exercises" and therefore must be smarter than women.
********************************

Sometimes when my internet is down, I forget that the rest of my computer still works.
********************************

Bachelor's Dilemma:

Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?
********************************
Coming up next.....

'Christine'

Toyota.. sponsors ITV movies
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085333/ for those unfamiliar with the movie
********************************

[Mickxr8]

Wouldn't you just love to be this honest... and still get a job!





B & Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME:
Kenneth Way

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will co-operate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.


DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

[Mickxr8]

Subject: Fw: FW: What part of your body goes to heaven first?



The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question:
'When you die and go to Heaven... Which part of your body goes first?'


Suzy raised her hand and said: 'I think it's your hands.'



'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together
in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.


Little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'


The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'


Little Johnny said:
'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night,
Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh !
God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


The Nun fainted!......

[vztrt]

Wonderful tips!


AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

==========================================

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[birdman941]

Pretty good!

[MNM96]

Originally Posted by vztrt

Wonderful tips!


AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

==========================================

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

If you find yourself choking on an ice cube, scoll a glass of boiling water!

[prydey]

along the same kind of theme

If it won't go, force it! If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

[birdman941]

[Fled74]

A guy in the back of a cab touched the driver's shoulder to ask him a question. Upon being touched, the driver screamed, panicked and nearly wrecked the cab.
He eventually regained control and parked at the side of the road.
He turned to his passenger and apologised, "Sorry about that. This is my first day driving a cab. For the last 20 years I drove a hearse!"

[Jason[98.EL]]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'


Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled, 'be jezis you should see the back of mine! '

[pauljh74]

I've just been to the doctor's and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

[FGII-XR6]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he
think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up

[Charliewool]

How I learned to mind my own business


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All of the patients were shouting "13....13....13."


The fence was too high to see over,

but I saw a little gap in the planks,

so I looked through to see what was going on...


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!




Then they all started shouting "14....14....14."

[Iggypoppin']

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I've just been to the doctor's and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

ok I'm going to bite...can someone explain that one to me? Haha

[Coogs289]

Originally Posted by mickxr8

Subject: Fw: FW: What part of your body goes to heaven first?



The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question:
'When you die and go to Heaven... Which part of your body goes first?'


Suzy raised her hand and said: 'I think it's your hands.'



'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together
in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.


Little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'


The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'


Little Johnny said:
'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night,
Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh !
God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


The Nun fainted!......

[flappist]

Originally Posted by Iggypoppin'

ok I'm going to bite...can someone explain that one to me? Haha

Go and buy some Ikea, unpack it and put it together.........all will be revealed.

[cheek]

Flappist bet me

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by Iggypoppin'

ok I'm going to bite...can someone explain that one to me? Haha

Frustration, stress and getting annoyed with assembly of product = higher blood pressure

[Iggypoppin']

Ah. Very good! Thanks flappist