What jokes do you know?

[WOLF]

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that is never empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."

[Jason[98.EL]]

ANZ Bank - This is Brilliant !!!

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!'

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
'Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney, Plot Number 1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the hell do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[Mr Hardware]

http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/deadcard.asp

[LTDHO]

Originally Posted by Jason[98.EL]

ANZ Bank - This is Brilliant !!!

It would be brilliant if it was remotely true...

[flappist]

Originally Posted by LTDHO

It would be brilliant if it was remotely true...

Absolutely true (well similar situation).

My wife died in 2003. She had a savings account with "which bank" with a balance of about $80. About a year later I started to receive letters in her name about overdrawn balances.
I rang the contact number and explained she was dead. They said they would fix it up.
The letters continued and got nastier.
I eventually went down to the local branch with the letter and got the manager to look up the account which was by then several thousand dollars overdrawn all of which were fees and overdrawn penalties.
I asked them to just fix it as it would look pretty silly on TV.

They fixed it.

Telstra also hunted her for about 2 years over a contract termination. They got nastier and nastier and in the end sent her now huge account with various fees to a debt collector and sent her a letter saying that she is now on the "can't get a phone connection" list. I don't think she really cares.
The debt collector started sending nasty letters, I just chucked them in the bin. They gave up after a few years.....

[TheInterceptor]

How to Give a Cat A Pill


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws Ignore low growls emitted by
cat.. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.

13. Tie the little . front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.



14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you
to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[Jason[98.EL]]

Originally Posted by Mr Hardware

http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/deadcard.asp

there you go that is where it came from then

I received the thing as an email so had no idea that web page excisted

thanks for posting

Jason

[TheInterceptor]

The teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'



'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.



'It sure was,' said the little girl.



'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but
before she could say ' . Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

[TheInterceptor]

Think of a number.
Multiply it by 2.
Now add 10.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 5.
Divide this by the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes.


























Dark, isn't it?

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by TheInterceptor

How to Give a Cat A Pill


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws Ignore low growls emitted by
cat.. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot.

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.

13. Tie the little . front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.



14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you
to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.

aint that the truth, I actually succeeded with step 6 (without the ruler) and my mates cat still hasnt forgiven me, i visit and it bolts for the bedroom to hide under the bed

[cool65]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

[FGII-XR6]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla.

One is from Canberra , another from Melbourne , and the third one is from
Brisbane . All three go with a Labour Government Official to examine the
fence.

The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works out some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the
job will run to about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100
profit for me”.

The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says
"I can do the job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me".

The Brisbane contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the
government official and whispers “$2,700”.

The Government Official, incredulous, says"you didn't even measure like the
other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?

The Brisbane Contractor whispers back"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we
hire the bloke from Melbourne to repair the fence."

"Done" says the Government Official.

And that my friends, is how the "Kevin Dudd Stimulus Package" works.

[FGII-XR6]

THE HEART ATTACK


A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.


'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mummy Mummy Auntie Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has
no clothes on"


The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband ........ rips open the wardrobe door and sure
enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.


'You rotten cow' she screams, 'My husband's having a heart attack and
you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!

[grandpa_spec_F6]

Originally Posted by Jason[98.EL]

there you go that is where it came from then

I received the thing as an email so had no idea that web page excisted

thanks for posting

Jason

Mr Hardware has a habbit of taking the fun out of things

[redxm]

These new 3-D TVs are so realistic. I dozed off last night watching a doco about criminals. When I woke up my wallet was gone

[Fled74]

BBC News: Fleet of ships recreates Dunkirk journey for 70th anniversary.
In other news, France surrenders as a fleet of ships is spotted off the coast of Dunkirk.

[The Yeti]

This is my 9yo son’s favorite at the moment

Did you hear the police have arrested two boys, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks?

They charged on and let the other off.

[pauljh74]

American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.
****************************

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I''."
******************************

My dad has a weird hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic
******************************

I was out with my mate the other day when the phone rang, I could tell he was eavesdropping on my conversation, until I put the phone down and said 'Yeah babes, love you too'
My friend looked at me and said 'Who was that, your mum?'

'No yours.'
That shut him up.

[Fled74]

First of all, just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's messed-up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of screwed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so f*%$@#g beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy ***** went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to **** her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up - but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

[itchy brother]

You really are messed up Luke!!

[sarrge2001]

Apparently there is now a Muslim social networking site....

It's called youcan'tseemyfacebook.com

[RSgerry]

My wife made the allegation

"I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch".

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

[pauljh74]

There's a rumour going around that the police have said you're not allowed to wear England shirts in pubs in case it upsets Muslims.

What the hell is a Muslim doing in a pub?
*******************************

SKY SPORTS: "Tiger Woods is ready to quit golf to save his marriage"

I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.
*******************************

RIP Gary Coleman and may heaven treat you well.

Word of advice though - given you still look 12, stay away from Michael Jackson
*******************************

My wife just bought a bloke translator machine which deciphers male conversation

The other day i came home from work and said "Hi honey, i'm home"

The machine said "Feed me, shag me, then shut the hell up!"
*******************************

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
*******************************

I finally found a cure for my insomnia this morning.

I just sat outside the Apple store for half an hour counting sheep.

[TheInterceptor]

There are two blokes out walking along the Afgan border.They are picked up by Bin laden.On the way back to

his camp they stumble across a lamp.The Canadian chap picks it up and gives it a clean.Out pops a genie.The

genie says since three found me only one wish each.The Canadian says since I am a farmer here doing peace

work I have always wished for all of Canada is farmable.There is a pause then a mighty rumble and the Genies

says done who`s next?Bin laden is impressed grabs the lamp and says my wish is a 150 mtr high wall 50 mtrs

thick to to enclose all the countrys of the middle east that are musslim and me inside as well.To give us a

land of peace and keep the infadels out.The genie snorts say to easy by far.There is a rumble lightning

flashes and across the border a huge wall appears.Binladen dissapears in a flash of smoke and fire.The genie

turns to the last man,an Aussie.genie tell me about this wall is it totaly sealed?Yes of course says the

genie I created it! Nothing out nothing in. Ok says the aussie,

fill it with water.

[Fled74]

I chatted up this MILF in a bar. About 40-45, but very well preserved. We end up at her place, snogging on her sofa.

Suddenly she says, "What do you say to a mother-and-daughter threesome?"

"Thats my ultimate fantasy!" I say.

So she goes to the foot of the stairs and shouts, "MUM!"

[Mickxr8]

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' ‘Don't get up,' said the Rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Rabbi’s shoe and spat in it.

When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi’s other shoe and spat in it. When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors . . ..

'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on . . . ?

This fighting between our nations . . . ?

This hatred . . .. ? This animosity . . . ? . . . This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes? .. ........
.................................................. .................................................. ....


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
.................................................. .................................................. ...


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
.................................................. .................................................. ....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
.................................................. .................................................. ....
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :-



2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 English men and 1 English woman



One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:



One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.



The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.



The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.



The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.



The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.



The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.



The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.



The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the

Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn ' t raining.



The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they ' re satisfied because at least the English aren ' t having any fun.



The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

.................................................. .................................................. ...

Colonoscopy Journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an



appointment for a colonoscopy...



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram


of the colon... a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place...


at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis...





Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough...



reassuring and patient manner...



I nodded thoughtfully... but I didn't really hear anything he said...



because my brain was shrieking...





'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'









I left Andy's office with some written instructions... and a



prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box



large enough to hold a microwave oven...



I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later... for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to



fall into the hands of America ’s enemies...









I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous...



Then... on the day before my colonoscopy... I began my preparation... In



accordance with my instructions... I didn't eat any solid food that day...



all I had was chicken broth... which is basically water... only with fewer flavors...



Then, in the evening... I took the MoviPrep... You mix two packets of



powder together in a one-litre plastic jug... and then you fill it with



lukewarm water... (For those unfamiliar with the metric system... a litre



is about 32 gallons!!... Then you have to drink the whole jug... This



takes about an hour... because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being



kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser... with just a



hint of lemon...



The instructions for MoviPrep... clearly written by somebody with a



great sense of humor... state that after you drink it... 'a loose... watery



bowel movement may result...'









This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof... you may



experience contact with the ground...



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative... I don't want to be too graphic... here



but... have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much



the MoviPrep experience... with you as the shuttle... There are times



when you wish the toilet had a seat belt... You spend several hours



pretty much confined to the bathroom... spurting violently... You



eliminate everything... And then... when you figure you must be totally



empty... you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep... at which point... as



far as I can tell... your bowels travel into the future and start



eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet...









After an action-packed evening... I finally got to sleep...



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic... I was very nervous...



Not only was I worried about the procedure... but I had been



experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage... I was



thinking... 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend



for something like that? Flowers would not be enough...



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood



and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said... Then they



led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people... where I went inside



a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of



those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts... the kind that...



when you put it on... makes you feel even more naked than when you are



actually naked...







Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left



hand... Ordinarily I would have fainted... but Eddie was very good, and I



was already lying down... Eddie also told me that some people put vodka



in their MoviPrep...







At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this... but then I



pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to



the bathroom... so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode...



You would have no choice but to burn your house...







When everything was ready... Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room...



where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist... I did



not see the 17,000-foot tube... but I knew Andy had it hidden around



there somewhere... I was seriously nervous at this point...







Andy had me roll over on my left side... and the anesthesiologist began



hooking something up to the needle in my hand...



There was music playing in the room... and I realized that the song was



'Dancing Queen' by ABBA... I remarked to Andy that... of all the songs



that could be playing during this particular procedure... 'Dancing



Queen' had to be the least appropriate...



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy... from somewhere behind me...



'Ha ha,' I said... And then it was time... the moment I had been dreading



for more than a decade... If you are squeamish... prepare yourself...



because I am going to tell you... in explicit detail... exactly what it was like...







I have no idea... Really... I slept through it... One moment ABBA was



yelling 'Dancing Queen... feel the beat of the tambourine...' and the next



moment... I was back in the other room... waking up in a very mellow mood...









Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt... I felt



excellent... I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was



all over... and that my colon had passed with flying colors... I have



never been prouder of an internal organ...







On the subject of Colonoscopies...



Colonoscopies are no joke... but these comments during the exam were



quite humorous... A physician claimed that the following are actual



comments made by his patients... predominately male... while he was



performing their colonoscopies...





1. 'Take it easy Doc... You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'





2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'





3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'





4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'





5. 'You know... in Arkansas... we're now legally married.'





6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners... Chief?'





7. 'You put your left hand in... you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'





9. 'If your hand doesn't fit... you must quit!'





10. 'Hey Doc... let me know if you find my dignity.'





11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron... didn't you?'





12. 'God... now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all...





13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[FGII-XR6]

A Guide to Software Revisions

Once you start playing with software, you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This e-mail provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to
release it because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than (say) a computer virus, and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so
we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time,
so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these
bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't
believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and
wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are
really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest!

5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base
out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1:
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who
works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've
made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept
complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're
talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it
for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

[FGII-XR6]

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the Cop because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense...........

Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

[FGII-XR6]

Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

[JimNiki]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

A Guide to Software Revisions

Once you start playing with software, you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This e-mail provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to
release it because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than (say) a computer virus, and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so
we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time,
so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these
bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't
believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and
wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are
really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest!

5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base
out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1:
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who
works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've
made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept
complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're
talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it
for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

very true ...and then windows "7" comes out!
let's wait and see how that copes... so far so good with me.