What jokes do you know?

[TheInterceptor]

Whats red and looks like a bucket?
















a picture of a red bucket!





Whats yellow and looks like a bin?














a yellow bin!

nope sorry, you cant win.

[T1 Terry]

Sorry, no more liberal voter jokes then is it?

T1 Terry

[Auslandau]

No more racial, political or just stupid bad taste rubbish! It is really really simple.

Read the T & C's of this site that everyone agreed to when they joined .........

[FGII-XR6]

Subject: THE CRABS AND THE BLONDE

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box
and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he
was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her
about what would happen if she let them thaw out.


Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing
in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would
the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your
hand?"


Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons
here:


1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most people think

[Mickxr8]

Subject: Space for rent

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

Had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

[grandpa_spec_F6]

Our workplace is locked down something severe when it comes to the internet, however the below was found on one of our Network Admins facebook page, posted by an employee:

"Hi *****, Just thought I better let you know that the web content filter is down ta"

[Fled74]

I don't know if you guys have seen this site before:

People of Walmart

Some fine specimens of humanity (and sub-humanity) on there.

[pauljh74]

Computers are like air conditioners...

They work fine until you start opening windows
******************************

After I told a few jokes down the pub, A ginger guy came up to me and said

'The jokes you just told were not funny and most of them were verging on the offensive!'

I replied 'there's only one virgin on the offensive here'.
******************************

I was out and got hit by a rental car today.

Bloody Hertz.
******************************

All this talk of Chernobyl still being dangerous is nonsense.

Since we returned from a day trip there, my wife and I have found out that we are expecting a child.

Hers is due March, mine in April.
******************************

What would God say about file-sharing...

According to all four Gospels, Jesus himself once took five small barley loaves and two small fishes and multiplied them using a kind of biblical BitTorrent swarm to enable the feeding of 5,000 people. They weren't starving people, it just wasn't convenient for them to get food where they were at that moment in time. ...While they all got to eat a very nice meal it could be argued that local fisherman and bakers wouldn't have appreciated the slump in business, but there again they could have adapted more quickly and followed the demand...Sound familiar?

[pauljh74]

They say the Inuit Eskimos have over 100 words for snow.

Thats nothing, I've just had a look on match.com and women have well over 1000 words for fat.
****************************

The Sun newspaper: "Gay 65yr old Vicar marries 25yr old toyboy lover."

The Vicar said, "He's my soulmate and fantastic in bed. I just wish we'd met 20 years ago."
****************************

The people of Pakistan are in a desperate situation, food is short, water is filthy and disease is spreading fast.

They, as a nation, all call out the same request to the world...

... don't send that arrogant bastard Bono over here, we'll sort this out ourselves.
****************************

'...Apparently, when I was born, I was a Caesarian birth.

This doesn't affect me at all, except every time I get out of the car, I leave through the sunroof'.
****************************

What do you call a deer with sandpaper for eyes,

I don't know but I've got a rough eyed-deer

[Mickxr8]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

Computers are like air conditioners...

They work fine until you start opening windows
******************************

After I told a few jokes down the pub, A ginger guy came up to me and said

'The jokes you just told were not funny and most of them were verging on the offensive!'

I replied 'there's only one virgin on the offensive here'.
******************************

I was out and got hit by a rental car today.

Bloody Hertz.
******************************

All this talk of Chernobyl still being dangerous is nonsense.

Since we returned from a day trip there, my wife and I have found out that we are expecting a child.

Hers is due March, mine in April.
******************************

What would God say about file-sharing...

According to all four Gospels, Jesus himself once took five small barley loaves and two small fishes and multiplied them using a kind of biblical BitTorrent swarm to enable the feeding of 5,000 people. They weren't starving people, it just wasn't convenient for them to get food where they were at that moment in time. ...While they all got to eat a very nice meal it could be argued that local fisherman and bakers wouldn't have appreciated the slump in business, but there again they could have adapted more quickly and followed the demand...Sound familiar?

you`ve snuck over to fordmods and pinched a joke
bugger. i guess its game on then

as long as we keep within t+c`s

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by mickxr8

you`ve snuck over to fordmods and pinched a joke
bugger. i guess its game on then

as long as we keep within t+c`s

They probably got it from where I did

[Mickxr8]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

They probably got it from where I did

fair call.
it`s getting pretty hard now to come up with new stuff that appeals to everyone.
( i enjoy my jokes )

[pauljh74]

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

....Deja

Deja who?

knock knock.
*********************

I was no good as a panel beater, so I became a joiner.

Well, if you can't beat 'em...
*********************

Gas man knocks on a house door. Teenage boy answers wearing lipstick, stockings, suspenders, heels and smoking a joint. Gas man says, 'Is your mum in, son?' Boy replies, 'Does it bloody well look like it?'

[RSgerry]

Lady Ga Ga has been asked why she uses that name instead of her own.
Apparently, 'Geoff' doesn't have the same ring

[pauljh74]

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to.......................... the other side
****************************

All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.

The problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves but the maniac doesn't.
****************************

Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell
****************************

Tiger Woods: The only golfer whose bank balance has suffered from too many birdies.

[rodderz]

To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken travel to the future?

[Iggypoppin']

Originally Posted by rodderz

To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken travel to the future?

that made me cack it far too hard!!!
its more intelligent than funny, but nonetheless, i gotta say, that was HILARIOUS!

[FGII-XR6]

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I
shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

My Dear Husband ,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at
the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[FGII-XR6]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
laybuy.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' paramedics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

[Iggypoppin']

Originally Posted by au3xr6

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
laybuy.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' paramedics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

*makes mental note to do all of those when next in target*

[prydey]

Originally Posted by Iggypoppin'

*makes mental note to do all of those when next in target*

*makes mental note to steer well clear of target - edwardstown*

[Fled74]

I've done #1, #2 and #11.

[pauljh74]

I ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK.

Monday. 12%
Tuesday. 23%
Wednesday. 40%
Thursday. 20%
Friday. 5%
*************************

My wife rang me at work. She said, "Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 3 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."

I said, "You'll be lucky if I do... I only ordered one controller."
*************************

Twatter's for twits... wait a minute
*************************

What do you call a group of ducks?

English batsmen.
*************************

I'm all for the banning of unwanted technology from X factor.

I think they should start with the microphones and cameras.
*************************

A bloke takes his new car back the garage.
"I don't understand it," he says, "every time I drive past a vicar there's a beep and number comes up on the instrument panel."
"Don't worry about that," replies the dealer, "that's just the rev counter."
*************************

boy: dad, what's politics?
dad: well, I'm the breadwinner, so I'm capitalism, your mum manages the money, so she's the government. Your nanny is working class, let's call you the people and your little brother the future. I'll explain more tomorrow....

In the night the boy wakes up and needs a pee. As he wanders around, he sees his brother has crapped himself. He goes to tell his mum, but she won't wake up. He goes to tell the nanny, but sees her shagging his dad. So he takes a leak and goes to sleep.

the next day:

boy: dad, i think i know what politics is now!
dad: good, what then?
boy: well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep crap!

[Mickxr8]

Subject: Fw: 3 words: I love it









A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how
kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed
$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with
her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely
concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully
said....



















"Clean my house."

[Mickxr8]

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.


And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called

'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband,

'Why dost thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said,

'How, dear?'

And Dot replied,

'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages
saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the
best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his
tent. But this success did arouse envy A man named Maccabia did secrete
(look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused
of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth
the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called

Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every
drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say,

'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it
came to be known 'eBay' he said,

'We need a name that reflects what we are.'
And Dot replied,

'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'

'YAHOO!'

exclaimed Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Velociraptor82]

1957 vs. 2010

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School council hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Chen fails high school English.

1957 - Chen goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2010 - Chen's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. A lobby group files a class action lawsuit against state school system and Chen's English teacher. An English pass is no longer required. Chen given diploma anyway but ends up sweeping paths for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2010- Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Social workers investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


How stupid we have become!

[bungarra]

Originally Posted by Velociraptor82

1957 vs. 2010

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School council hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Chen fails high school English.

1957 - Chen goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2010 - Chen's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. A lobby group files a class action lawsuit against state school system and Chen's English teacher. An English pass is no longer required. Chen given diploma anyway but ends up sweeping paths for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2010- Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Social workers investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


How stupid we have become!

Sadly this is so true

[pauljh74]

I got sacked as a tour guide in Vatican City.

As I was talking about the pope, we turned a corner and I said, "Ah, speak of the devil".
***************************

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.

There were four men.
one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?

The man going up the hill: he's Russian
The man in the brothel: Himalayan
The man walking down the hill: he's Finnish

The man in the car at the bottom of the hill was Irish; he was waiting for the light to turn green.

[my67xr]

went past macca's the other day and noticed their latest advertising,

the mc cousins meal deal, no burger, no fries , just coke and ice...

[T1 Terry]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"



Apparently the correct answer is ' Fiji Islands '.

T1 Terry