What jokes do you know?

[Fled74]

With no internet, those poor Egyptians have it tough.
What if some of them want to get ripped in 4 weeks, meet hot girls in their area, or grow a larger willy?

[LANKY 1]

Originally Posted by Jason[98.EL]

A 2009 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
...
Bloody good value that!

The average Australian uses Litres and Km's jokes

about 83L and 1440km. 17km per Litre wich is bloody good value

[Dauphin]

Two statues, a man and a woman, stand guard over the entrance to a park. After hundreds of years, God visits them and brings them to life.

“You have been such good statues,” God says, “that today I grant you 10 minutes of life!”

The statues, elated with great joy, climb down from their posts and run off together into the nearby bushes. After much shaking of the branches and giggling, they reappear 5 minutes later with big smiles across their faces.

“You have 5 minutes of life remaining,” God says, “what will you do next?”

The female statue turns and says to the male statue, “This time, you hold down the pigeon and I’ll poop on its head!” And with that, they run off back into the bushes.

[Fled74]

Emma Watson has been quoted as saying she would go naked in a film if she were asked.

So... Emma, would you go naked in a film please?


* * *


What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?

A dead centipede.


* * *


My wife is so immature.

There I was, just sitting in the bath, and she busted in and sank all my boats.

[pauljh74]

I phoned my Irish boss this morning to call in sick.

I said, "I'm not coming in today because I've been drinking heavily all weekend and now I feel like crap".

He said, "You're lying, I can tell by your voice that you've got a cold".
*******************

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up & never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure & comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express deepest emotions & give in to his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident & sexy, seductive & invincible... No wait .... I'm thinking of beer, It's beer that does that. Sorry
*******************

[LilLauren]

Weekend Assignment

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales
approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would
keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.


"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing,


"Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

Then I would say,"It is dog ****.

Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something

****** for free, and then making you pay to get

the taste out of your mouth."

[FGII-XR6]

Jehovah's Witness

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said: "I'm a
Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down. Now what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " stuffed if I know I've never got this far before"

[FGII-XR6]

How to say I love you in 10 languages
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Sh*te Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Australia: Nice Tits, get in the Ute

[FGII-XR6]

Irish Burial at Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring
gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded
onto their row boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer
enuff out, Paddy?âEUR^(TM) Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only
to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick.
Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side
again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick
asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No,
dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row
and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit
of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when
suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

[FGII-XR6]

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should
make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves 24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

[FGII-XR6]

TESCO EMPLOYEE

A man in a London Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young
produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The
man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his
manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the
other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Manchester, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Manchester?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Manchester.'


'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

[vztrt]

Hmmmm, research department went on strike??

[birdman941]

Originally Posted by vztrt

Hmmmm, research department went on strike??

No one here in the States watches CNN, now you know why.

[briank]

So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks "Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

"I don't know" the pirate says, "but it's driving me nuts!"

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by vztrt

Hmmmm, research department went on strike??

Could be worse - they could have shown a map of Austria

[JimNiki]

I believe it's because they're not allowed to say "map 'o' tassie!" hehe

[Resurrection]

An old man and his grandson were talking about the heavy rain. The grandfather said "It's bucketing down outside". "Tell me something I don't know" responds the grandson. The old man pauses for a few seconds then says "your grandmother's a%$# can take my whole fist".

[Mickxr8]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.








'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that

[Mickxr8]

Goodbye Granddad



Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,



Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath… …until he heard the splash!!

[rodderz]

Whats the difference between Ironman & Ironwoman?

Ironman is a superhero, Ironwoman is a simple instruction

[Auslandau]

There must be a theme happening

[Mickxr8]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,

I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was
a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen
donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Politician was very happy and left the
shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[pauljh74]

Who named Trojan condoms?

The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and screwed everyone's day up.

Doesn't fill me with confidence.
********************

Dad and son in supermarket.

Son: "whats those dad?"
Dad: "thats a 3 pack of condoms for schoolboys. 1 for friday night, 1 for saturday night and 1 for sunday night"
Son: "well whats those dad?"
Dad: "thats a 6 pack of condoms for university students: 2 for friday night, 2 for saturday night and 2 for sunday night"
Son "well what about those pack of 12?"
Dad "those are for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
********************

I fell asleep watching the Country Music Awards. When I woke up I was missing 4 teeth and I was married to my sister
********************

My Valentine sent me a letter and as I looked at the envelope, I noticed it was marked "S.W.A.L.K". When I asked what it meant, she informed me that it stood for, "Sealed With A Loving Kiss."

So I sent a letter back asking for her hand in marriage and, after a moments thought, I decided to mark the back of the envelope so she would know how I felt about her;

Eternal And True,
Sealed Hopefully In Tenderness.
********************

Just bought a new wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden seats, wooden roof, wooden boot, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden engine, wouldn't start

[BENT_8]

I walked into my local fruit and veg shop last week and was checking out the produce when the little italian fruiterer approached me.
"My friend, you like apples, i have special apple out back, come, come"

I went out the back and he handed me a granny smith and said to take a bite.
I took a bite out of 1 side and it tasted like a peach.
"Thats amazing i said"

"Turn round, bite other side" he said
So i did and it tasted like pears.

"wow, this is great, i wonder if you could get 1 to taste like a vagina"

Today i went back...

"my friend, come, come, i have lovely apple for you"

I went out the back and again he handed me a granny smith.

I took a bite and quickly spat it out "yuck, that tastes like ****"

"oops" he said, "you bite wrong side..."

[Dauphin]

This bloke walks into a doctor’s office, and the doctor is surprised to find that he has a carrot up his nose, a banana sticking out of his right ear and a steak up his backside.

After an examination, the bloke asks “What’s the matter with me, Doc?”

“Well, that’s pretty obvious,” replies the doctor, “you’re not eating properly”.

[FGII-XR6]

Is Sex Work ?

A Canadian Army N.C.O. Was about to start the morning briefing to all of
his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O.
Decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and
therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was
'work',
and how much of it was pure 'pleasure'?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure',
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C..O. Turned to the Newfie Private who was
in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion ?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure, Sir."
The N.C.O.. Was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And why
is that soldier" ?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them, Sir".

The room fell silent.
God Bless the Newfie.

[FGII-XR6]

Time for a drink
A bloke walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks.
"On second thoughts, make it a double" he says
"Sounds like you're a bit down" said the barman
"That is an understatement," he sighed "I just found out that my brother is
gay." He proceeded to drown his sorrows.
The next night, same guy, same bar, same barman, but this time he sat down
with his head in his hands and ordered a quadruple scotch.
"Sounds like things aren't getting any better" said the barman
sympathetically.
"It can't get any worse" said the bloke "Now my son has come out of the
closet, give me another whiskey and keep them coming"
The very next night, he returns to the bar and orders more hard liquor.
"This time, leave bottle" he sobbed
"Hell," says the bar tender doesn't anyone in your family go for women?"
"My wife does" said the bloke.

[rjk74]

A bloke walks out the front door of his house and sees his neighbor shaking a big rug, curious asks whats wrong Abdul wont it start?

[GYRKIN GT]

Maybe a re-post?




BOB & THE BLONDE:


Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.

[Mickxr8]

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it. "Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window." "Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death. "Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

Probably a repost but still find it funny