A Father's Rules

**Captain Stubing** · 23-01-2005, 09:51 AM

I've just come home from work, and before sleeping the day away, I found this on my email. It might be because I'm tired, but I think his ideas are pretty tame!

Dating My Daughter

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

"So," I’ll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don’t you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

NAK302 · 23-01-2005, 10:16 AM

:evil_laug good one swanny. i might show this one to the 13 year old that thinks she's 17 :voldar02:

LuvinmyEB · 23-01-2005, 11:02 AM

I'm shuddering remembering the days when my dad would turn the front light on (that practically lit up the whole street), then wait at the front door that was half glass when I got home from a date.

Paris Hilton · 23-01-2005, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swanny

why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

there has to be something better...if i had a car, and some little punk touched it, he wouldn't be around for much longer

23-01-2005, 12:19 PM

You forgot rule 9

I like to sit up at night cleaning my guns, and when the agent orange starts acting up I may mistake your car for choppers coming in over the rice paddies, so when you return EARLY with my daughter you will park in the driveway, exit the car, speak the password and state that you are returning my daughter home safe and well. Do not walk her to the door, do not expect a goodnight kiss and that camoflagued sillouhette at the window holding a rifle is mine

b2tf · 23-01-2005, 12:20 PM

LOL @ the bit about the Agent Orange. Love it!

svo347 · 23-01-2005, 12:55 PM

A good funny read mate...
Cheers for sharing...

Mike Gayner · 23-01-2005, 01:29 PM

Hehehe, nice one.

:

champsky · 23-01-2005, 02:04 PM

lmao! gold, absolute gold.

just makes me glad that i dont ahve to meet any chicks father now

Smoked · 23-01-2005, 03:15 PM

HAhahahahahahaha.

Have had a couple of fathers act somewhat similar to this when ive gone to get their "innocent Little girl".

Most of em turn out alright when they get to know who you are and what your about, but some of them, one actually, well, he just has issues.

MotherNatureVer2 · 23-01-2005, 03:56 PM

You all realise that these arnt only the rules of a father ............. I am about to print them out & plaster them onto the daughters rooms :P

The Mighty Red · 23-01-2005, 03:56 PM

Funny thing , i got three older sisters and when they were dating they had to be home by 11pm no matter what until they got married . They'd have to leave the drive in early and allsorts of stuff cos dad would be at the front door at 11.05 waiting to kill some young bloke in his supt up HR holden if they wern't home. When I turned 16 dad said to me " If your not in bed by midnight come home". You could imagine how happy my sisters were about this but hey, Horses for courses I reckon.

:

Feathers · 23-01-2005, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by our_blue_xr6

Funny thing , i got three older sisters and when they were dating they had to be home by 11pm no matter what until they got married . They'd have to leave the drive in early and allsorts of stuff cos dad would be at the front door at 11.05 waiting to kill some young bloke in his supt up HR holden if they wern't home. When I turned 16 dad said to me " If your not in bed by midnight come home". You could imagine how happy my sisters were about this but hey, Horses for courses I reckon.

:

: Thats very funny. Of course he probably didn't consider that somewhere else there was another father telling his son that before going out on a date with one of your sisters...

DivHunter · 23-01-2005, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Feathers

:

: Thats very funny. Of course he probably didn't consider that somewhere else there was another father telling his son that before going out on a date with one of your sisters...

Your dad's a reasonable bloke isn't he?

:

Feathers · 23-01-2005, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fairmont99

Your dad's a reasonable bloke isn't he?

:

He is when I'm not not involved.
Better we just keep you quiet.

_2:

paul7v7 · 23-01-2005, 08:19 PM

hehe love it.

XRQTOR · 23-01-2005, 08:26 PM

Very funny thread, sound like my old man 1oo%. He done it more to be a smartarse than anything and embarrase my sister's.

Both my sister's one older one younger get the shits caz i can go out and do whatever i want till when ever i want and they (One is 21) still have to say where they are going and when they'll be home.

FEATHER's you are a crackup. Very very funny but very very true.

M14A-Mclaren · 23-01-2005, 08:31 PM

Isnt that the basis of the tv show "8 Simple rules [for dating my teenage daughter]"?

The problem with that though, if you act like that then your probably going to cause rule 6, But I'm just saying that because I dont want to be on the recieving end of all that, lol.

XRQTOR · 23-01-2005, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by devil cv8

You forgot rule 9

I like to sit up at night cleaning my guns, and when the agent orange starts acting up I may mistake your car for choppers coming in over the rice paddies, so when you return EARLY with my daughter you will park in the driveway, exit the car, speak the password and state that you are returning my daughter home safe and well. Do not walk her to the door, do not expect a goodnight kiss and that camoflagued sillouhette at the window holding a rifle is mine

Heard that b4 and i wasn't even going out with the girl, just a good friend.