Police Officer Quotes (funny) Plus more jokes!

[big_pete]

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor....

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the
country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm
bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that
means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the
shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poo"

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend
of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one .

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ......
You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."

[big_pete]

Another Joke:

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a
pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18",she
whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...


"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[big_pete]

and another:

John met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening
Sharon invited John to her place, where they quickly got involved in a
very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up
close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking John's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, John comments, "Surely you can't be ready for
more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I
miss the days when I had mine."

[csv8]

Which Doll



A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.



"Would you like male of female?"



"Female, please."



"Would you like Black, or White?"



"White, Please."



"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"



This question confused the man ... and he replied, "What has the religion

got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"



Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"





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[outback_ute]

Microsoft's TV Dinner

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights).

You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

Then enter:

<ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specifications.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '06. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

[Peuty]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah to all of the above!!!!

[LuvinmyEB]

All brilliant!!