sat sillies

[Dodge]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.

Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Kremes opened a shop in my neighborhood!

Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Dodge]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.


A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.


Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.


A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"


Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew. .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"They won't let me fart

[Dodge]

Subject: Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dinning room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought . . . just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.



"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"



The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do." she replies.


The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily ."Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?" "Yes, . . . I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.



The husband continues . .. . "Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too." she replies softly.



He wipes another tear from his cheek and says . "I would have gotten out today."

[Dodge]

MASTERCARD Wedding

You gotta love this guy....

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members &
friends........$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion....................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui.................$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man........................................Pricele ss.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

[Shonky]

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Rooted! (quite literally)
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If my body were a car...

Ahhh... Time for me to umm... polish my dipstick!