Paddock Car Review

[GreenMachine]

Thought I'd put this one up again... Wrote it last year in my "under-employed" phase... - Hope y'all enjoy!

____________________________________

Thrash Metal - A Battle for Paddock Car Supremacy

HG Kingswood-R (tm) v XD Blues Brothers Special v AU Falcon Wagon

The comment has been made that my last writing was a bit soft, pitching three excellent Fords against each other. This time, I thought I'd stir it up a bit, bring the Lion in to the equation.

Paddock cars are a vital piece of technology for those on the land. Kids learn to drive in them, teenagers learn how to survive rollovers in them (seatbelts on, one hand on the roof, the other on the dash, brace your feet), they do the job of a horse, a motorbike, a plough and a combine harvester, and when they finally give up, serve perfectly as dog kennels and art deco paddock ornaments.

But ultimately, one must choose one's workhorse carefully, or Rural Ridicule (tm) may ensue...

THE CONTENDERS:

The three cars tested have all given excellent service on a smallholding on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. The first, a white 1970 model Kingswood sedan, powered by a very tough XU-1 spec 186 motor, Trimatic gearbox and Salisbury LSD. This car was purchased for $25 (one carton of XXXX) after being ordered off the road due to rust and accident damage. The second is an XD Station Wagon sporting Mt Prospect police car livery, a 4.1 litre crossflow motor and an exceptionally rare Borg Warner 2 speed gearbox (1st and 3rd). The third is a green AU Station Wagon company car, purchased for 30-something thousand dollars in 2002, and recently traded on a Holden Crewman for $9000. This car is a dual-purpose daily driver AND a paddock basher, so it gets marks on the board before the review even starts!

All fullsize Australian tanks, with styling cues dating back to the mid 1700's. Big, reliable motors and tough auto gearboxes. But how do they go when the rain's coming down, the cattle are out, there's stumps to be pulled and doughnuts to be spun? Through extensive use, I've found several key criteria make the perfect paddock car: Style, Dodgy Mods, Quality of Donuts and Carrying/Pulling Capacity.

Style

Proper paddock-cred is essential. This does NOT mean a Landcruiser ute with 400 Hella spotties, a Kenworth mudflap and an RM Williams sticker. Paddock cred is more of a homegrown style. Age or spec level of the vehicle isn't a factor. Mud, rust and busted parts all rate highly.

In the rust stakes, the Kingswood won hands down, with rust damage in all four doors, boot floor, all 4 footwells, sills, roof and bonnet. It's appeal was also enhanced by extensive airbrush (Australian Export-style) work, including a large (HSV) - Hype Sells Vehicles mural, GTS stripes, painted-on flares and a painted-on rollcage.

Whilst the HG was indeed impressive, it's hard to go past the classic looks of a black-and-white Blues Brothers paint job, including (painted-on) "BLUES" personalised plates. This car is indeed on a Mission from God. Continuing the musical theme, the XD is also one of the few paddock cars with a stereo system, consisting of a stock 1979 tape-deck and a Peavey guitar amp speaker.

In its own way, the AU is also impressive, sporting several custom dents and scrapes, mudflaps torn off, bumpers hanging loose and several interesting stains on interior upholstery.

Dodgy Mods

Dodgy mods are one of the defining qualities of a good paddock car. Country people pride themselves on being resourceful and practical, and this really shines through on their vehicles.

The HG tested had many such mods. These include open pipes, a welded locker diff, a free-flow intake (no air filter), aftermarket guages, keyless start, various suspension and steering improvements involving 8 guage wire and radical chassis-lightening modifications including missing sheetmetal.

The XD again shone through in the modifications department. Originally a station wagon, judicious use of an angle grinder has created a functional open-topped crewcab ute. Side pipes were also used to up performance, along with a custom gearbox, sound system and dashboard.

The AU was sadly lacking, being totally stock other than some floorpan raising work to improve ground-clearance (performed with a large rock and several thousand kilograms of rolling force).

Quality of Donuts

Paddock cars are made for work. Circle work. The ability to get sideways and spin is essential for jobs such as rounding up cattle, avoiding fences you forgot were there, entertaining yourself on wet days and using 14" retreads as a plough in a muddy paddock. All three cars performed admirably in this test.

The AU was the easiest to achieve wheelspin in, although the single-spinner diff severely hampered its donut abilities. However, an excellent handbrake allowed effortless bootlegger turns. The XD also spun admirably, with speed and heavy steering input being the stunt-man's friend. One particularly memorable slide across a rough paddock resulted in 3 blown tyres - bliss!

However, for sheer uncontrollability, the HG was streets (paddocks?) ahead. With a locker diff and a strong and particularly revvy 186 motor, it made heli's and skids effortless. Manouverability of the slightly smaller sedan was also impressive, with some sharp turns nearly causing rollovers.

Carrying/Pulling Capacity

Don't think you need a tractor or a drott to remove a large stump, drag a fallen tree, move large loads of hay or demolish a line of fenceposts. A well-sorted paddock car will do all of these tasks and more.

The AU started ahead of the other contenders due to several factors - a heavy duty towbar, huge load area and the callous disregard for mechanical parts that comes with a company car. Over the years, a casual observer may have seen it snaking back and forth, wheels turning at 400kph, attached firmly to a stubborn tree-trunk by a heavy guage chain. It's also been used to haul impressive loads of firewood, 8-foot wide rolls of agricultural water pipe (threaded out the rear window, thorough the wagon hatch and back), bundles of star pickets strapped to the roof (in consideration of the luxurious Congo Green paint, newspaper was spread undersome of the pickets).

However, the AU and the HG have also proved capable workhorses. The huge load area created by the chopped roof of the XD has allowed massive loads of vegetation (sometimes 4-5 feet above the roofline) to be carted on several occasions. Upwards of 30 drunk hillbillies can be seated in the load area with comfort and style.

The HG's sedan body-style severely limits load capacity. However, it more than makes up for thisby being endowed with what some consider an essential paddock-car feature - sturdy chrome bumpers. This car is a veritable battering ram, easily shifting loads nearly twice it's size when the appropriate speed is used. One can also not underestimate the towing capacity of the torquey little 186 - this car was used on one memorable occasion to tow a bogged RACQ 4wd out of a paddock, where it ventured to rescue a bogged AU.

The Verdict:

A very tough choice, all-up. Each car has its own qualities that make it a stylish and practical workhorse. However, a decision must be made. Despite rugged good looks and excellent load area, the XD was ultimately discounted due to reliability issues and the fact that it took a whole day of blood sweat and tears to get its carcass on a trailer and take it to the dump. The HG also has much to recommend it - non standard parts, a cool spray job, outstanding performance and good ol' Oz paddock cred. However, the AU simply cannot be beaten due to one factor - it's a company car... the petrol and the repairs are someone else's problem!

Happy thrashing, y'all.


Nick Holliday

[smciner1]

So this is where you have been for the past week and a bit Nick?

:p

[mick.wheelz]

thats brilliant, bloody brilliant. I should do a review of the paddock bashers i have arround here.

[XA_GT351]

http://www.fordforums.com.au/showthread.php?t=288 Heres some pics of my bashers, each one has a story to tell!

[Magical_ED]

That was an inspirinread, i'm gonna get rid of the crappy honda city now. or i could put stiffer springs in the focker. as it bottoms out all the time and we have already ripped the sump gaurd of twice and now ahave a custom one on.

[LUXO_8]

haha as said brilliant, bloody funny stuff

wish i could do said carnage to the olds AU Fairmont.......... well i could do it but i think they'd kill me lol

[FordFan86]

now that was a good read, thanks

[Peuty]

Top article! That should make the boys at Wheels very proud!

[GreenMachine]

http://www.nickheywood.fotopic.net/c266458.html

How could I forget the pics???

[xdc351]

I always get a laugh out of that, a classic if ever there was one!

Still waiting on the Crewman Paddock Basher (tm) review

[mcflux]

LMAO classic!!! Unfortunately I have no pix to offer :(

[Damo]

LMAO, good one matey. Still can't believe you flog the AU like that...

immagine an EA paddock basher.. or not. :(

[GreenMachine]

Ah yes... The (utterly scathing) Crewman review shall be next!!

[live_1991]

it's a company car... the petrol and the repairs are someone else's problem

hahah i like good work

[GreenMachine]

Originally Posted by Damo

immagine an EA paddock basher.. or not. :(

I'd give my left nut to have photo's of my old EA in full B&S Spec (tm)... unfortunately none were taken. It was a thing of beauty - big bullbar, Hella Predator spotties the size of hubcaps, low mounted foggies, CB antenna...

Thanks for the kind comments guys - Will post the others over the next few days, and have a think about writing some more...

[Damo]

mmmmm drooolz... B&S spec EA (tm).

[Hitman]

HAHAH excellent

[The MaDDeSTMaN]

I agree with what others have said, that was a very well written, not to mention entertaining, read.

Nothing quite like living in the country, I still miss it (I grew up 15kms out of Mansfield, Victoria)

[BlueRaven]

Originally Posted by GreenMachine

The HG's sedan body-style severely limits load capacity. However, it more than makes up for thisby being endowed with what some consider an essential paddock-car feature - sturdy chrome bumpers. This car is a veritable battering ram

I have a video that demonstrates that feature somewhere...

[GreenMachine]

That barbecue jumped out in front of me, Andy!!!!

[BlueRaven]

Originally Posted by GreenMachine

That barbecue jumped out in front of me, Andy!!!!

Dude, I was in the car at the time! The BBQ was not going anywhere!

[smciner1]

Originally Posted by BlueRaven

Dude, I was in the car at the time! The BBQ was not going anywhere!

I hope you both weren't in the Back seat together!

[GreenMachine]

What happens at the farm stays at the farm...

BREAKA!!!!!!!

[smciner1]

Originally Posted by GreenMachine

What happens at the farm stays at the farm...

BREAKA!!!!!!!

It is probably best that way.

:lookedat:

[BlueRaven]

Originally Posted by smciner1

It is probably best that way.

:lookedat:

We wouldnt want you to feel left out :

[Timmeh]

Very well written, many laughs were had!

One day down at Pano's house demonstrated to me the importance of his paddock bashers - for the rescuing of other paddock bashers!

Thanks for the laughs.

Tim

[Robocop]

haha very entertaining review. Love the mods on that XD. Reminds me of this gemini we were driving round in at a mates farm one time....i have never seen duct tape and zip ties used so well lol

[b2tf]

I love it, still makes me laugh!

Id love to one day get an XD or XF, take all the glass out of it, weld up the doors + boot and turn it into a full rally-spec car. :nutsycuck

[Magical_ED]

Originally Posted by back2thefutura

I love it, still makes me laugh!

Id love to one day get an XD or XF, take all the glass out of it, weld up the doors + boot and turn it into a full rally-spec car. :nutsycuck

dont forget the dodgy chicken mesh front screen to prevent logs enterinhe rally drivers cockpit. or the FIA approved wooden rollcage.

[rodderz]

My dad bought an early 70's 2-door Corrolla for mum, but when she saw it was too small it sat up at my nanna's for nearly 20 years with the motor and drivetrain out. Dad got it as it was a cheap buy and a mate was getting rid of it. When i was about 6 my brother and dad put it all back together, got it going, and around this time my folks had bought a 1-acre lot next door, so this became the fang area, and was stripped of all grass pretty quick. This corrolla copped a thrashing most weekends from when I was 6 till I was about 15 or so, and the only things that really had problems were the accelerator spring (a bugger if the spring pops off at full revs and you cant find anything to stop the car, it had no key slot), and we replaced the clutch. Everything else while getting very worn survived the onslaught. Brilliant Toyota reliability! Funnily enough none of us stacked it either except for a mate who drove it once, and my brother who jumped it over an old fire heap ripping off the zorst lol

My 2 brothers didn't like me driving it much as when we had time trials (plant pots around the paddock) i used to get just as fast as them when I was only 8 and they were 13-15 lol. It was bloody fun and it would be great if everyone could experience it, it taught me how to drive at an early age off the road, which doesn't happen much these days. I've attached a couple of pics of it (pretty crappy quality, prob 15yrs old or so) and a cortina we had a couple of years ago at a mates place....that went well and was pretty quick (had a falcon motor in it) but we got to it with the logs in a bad way after a mate spun out over a stump and pushed the radiator and fan into the engine :